pathetic

[justme107]

I don't know where this belongs, but I guess I just wanted to say it out loud. I'm "involved" with a man who is a lot like my father in some ways. I guess the way that strikes me most and is paralyzing me most is he is depressed and suicidal, a bit. Last night he was crying and put his hands to his face and said, "I just don't understand what's going on in my head." Could have been my father 20 years ago, right before he killed himself. That paralyzed me. Especially since I blame myself for not stopping my dad. I also empathize b/c I've been suicidal and had that outside presence in my head. It's not bad now, for me, because of meds, but I see how it must terrify him. The situation he's in, makes me feel like I can't abandon him. Especially since I know depression and i think i'm the only one he talks to about those feelings. Anyway he thinks we're friends with benefits and that he is awakening my sexual side and teaching me to be a woman and bringning me ecstasy I never felt before. It did feel good at first to have him touch me -- i liked the attention, the non-repulsion, the warmth, some of the sexual stuff. But he just doesn't turn me on that much. I'm so dry when I'm with him. I've never been with anyone else, but I'm sure it's supposed to be different than this. And I worry about pregnancy and disease and the fact that I'm leaning in favor of believing what he says. Although he's clear he "wants" me in a sexual role. I don't want more. I don't want to be his girlfriend. I guess i want less. Just to talk. Cant keep driving there. He's making me sore. And his d/s side is coming out more and more. He's not really awakening me. I can't tell him. I need to. i will today. I'm stuck just like with my dad. And i'm so exhausted and emotionally numb right now. I need to watch out for myself. I need to protect myself. Build that wall back up. i have been really stupid and irresponsible, I hope to dodge any consequences b/c i am such a child. i'm just worrying about him too much, when i need my own help. And he isn't fulfilling anything I need. just be an adult and do it, i guess. :sad:

 

[Finally Independent]

Hi Justme107. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. You should not feel "pathetic" though. I posted here a couple of weeks ago because I just had nowhere else to go. I was feeling pretty 'pathetic' at the time. If you are worried about disease, maybe you should take precautions (read my post Any Suggestions in the Uncertainty Principle forum). Because the doctor misdiagnosed me and my husband was not truthful with me, my pelvic infection went untreated for 5 months and now I am facing surgery to have scar tissue removed because it is causing a great deal of pain and I have been having severe bleeding every month. (I stayed with him for two years after all this had happened and am only now becoming strong enough to stop feeling worthless, guilty, ashamed and pathetic.)

You don't have to abandon him, but don't continue in a relationship that you feel is not right for you. Replies to my post were that I should take time for myself and the women that said this were absolutely right. If you are not strong yourself, you won't be able to help him.

You said he stated "I just don't understand what's going on in my head." I don't know what precipitated this statement but it sounds like maybe he is asking for help. Maybe you could talk to his family or friends and together, get him into counseling. Let him know that you want to help him but he truly has to want to help himself as I am sure you know from your experiences with depression. Let him know that you both need to straighten out the issues you have with each other before continuing in an intimate relationship. Don't let your guilt about your father drive you into feeling more guilt in that you can't help this man. If he cares enough for you, he will accept and respect the fact that you don't want more as far as your relationship goes right now. Maybe that will change. If he can't accept the fact that you don't want a sexual relationship with him and just want to be friends don't feel guilty! You've done nothing wrong. Offer him what you can. Be honest with him, but mostly be honest with yourself.

 

[LtRoarke]

I have actually been in a similiar situation, for a very short time about a year ago. I was "involved" with this man and felt pathetic that I had reached this level of depression, need, whatever you may call it...I just felt terrible. It was taxing me, and I realized that anything that is making me feel worse than I already do is not worth it. So, I ended our "involvement". I felt better for it, and I had a long cry.
You don't have to quit speaking to him, because it is clear that you do care about him. But if this "involvement" is bothering you and making you uncomfortable, express your concerns and end that portion of the relationship.
Also...support him through his tough time, give him encouragement.
I hope I have helped a bit. Good luck, justme107.

 

[BlackPegasus]

First I will say I could be wrong on this but by the way you describe him and the things he says I would be very careful with this man. I've seen many like this who have become abusive and although that might never be the case with him we cannot put ourselves in a position were the other person's emotions depend on us. That is not good for either party. And also you need to listen to what you want. Do not sacrifice your feelings or body to make someone else happy. You need to take care of yourself as well. Listen to yourself on this one. :hug:

Mia

 

[LtRoarke]

(Mia gives good advice )