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Patronising Advice on SF

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kenickie, Jul 5, 2009.

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  1. Kenickie

    Kenickie Account Closed

    Does anybody feel like some of the advice they get given on this forum is patronising at times?
    I have been reading a lot of the threads and I feel like if someone were to say to me we love you we care about you don't kill yourself after I had come on and said I wanted to make an attempt on my life I would feel even mroe like doing it, like as if to say the only people who care about me are strangers who dont even know me in cyber space
    i have tried to give real nitty gritty advice on here and got called out for it, tough love can sometimes be the best medicine though i think being told it like it is not dressing it up like a sheep can be the only way to understand rip the band aid off and i dont think a person should get their hands slapped for that we cant all be sensitive tip toeing around everybody
    and sometimes people do need harsh advice instead of patronising apparently supportive words
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter


    No,I don't feel that way.

    I read some of your previous posts, the post where you told people that showing their cuts is attention seeking behaviour. If that's what you call tough love,then it's unnecessary, unneeded and unsupportive. This is a support forum afterall, judging people you don't even know is unwelcome here.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 5, 2009
  3. Pad

    Pad Well-Known Member

    I don't think it's patronising how people help on here. It's empathetic, people
    here know how sensitive others feel as they feel like it themselves and kind
    words often help people feel better. I understand what you are saying about tough love but it isnt always the best aproach. Different people react
    differently to advice. When you have been here a while people will know how
    to deal with you.
  4. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    :what: ... seriously!!

    It's a SUPPORT forum, the words are meant to be supportive and they always are.
    Ever cried over being dumped by an ex? Well what if someone had said to you 'toughen up loser and get over it, we all get dumped at some time, what makes you so special?'. Is that the sort of tough love and harsh but honest advice you're talking about?
  5. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    People do care on SF it's not false.
    Sometimes we need harsh words to bring us to reality and other times we need support from someone who cares, whether it be online or not. It's good to have a mix.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hear what your saying but i think that type of advice you need to know the person in details before using it. Tough love i think can be given to someone only under supervised conditions say at a hospital where the outcome from it can be monitored. Here people are suffering and really need to know that there is hope beyond the pain and if they could tuffen up they would but it will take time. With care and understanding people get stronger Again i hear what your saying but that type of support needs to be given and handled by professionals take care and thanks for your post
  7. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    But you've gotta know where to draw the line. Especially when dealing with people you don't know on a personal level.
    If you say something overly harsh to someone who might not be able to deal with it on SF and then they go kill themselves, what happens then.
  8. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    of course some ppl need harsh words in order 2 change things .. but th majority of ppl dont .. especially if they come 2 a site like this .. i know if i had been told something on th lines of 'ur silly just get a life and move on' when i first come here .. i probably would have killed myself as soon as i read it ..
    i was pretty disgusted by ur thread regarding 'self harmers as attention seekers'
    anyhows .. u dont have 2 be 'patronising' as u say .. the rest of us will just try 2 be supportive and try 2 help others the way we have been helped.
  9. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    Whilst I agree that tough love can sometimes be the best approach I don't believe that it can work with strangers. I'll tell my friends to stop wallowing and being a twat, but the point is that they know I love them. Without that knowledge it'd just be tough, which only causes people to become defensive and angry. It can be difficult to hold your tongue when you see someone who seems to be just wallowing in their own misery and not toughening up, but you'll save yourself a lot of aggravation in the long run if you just try to ignore it
  10. Poirot

    Poirot Guest

    Not sure about paronising advice but robotic replies annoy me
  11. GeekGurl

    GeekGurl Well-Known Member

    Sometimes people need support and sometimes they need advice, and the key is knowing which is appropriate when. People turn up here in a wreck, sometimes they've already started taking an overdose, and just telling them that someone cares can be enough to help them get through feeling so godamn awful. They might have real problems and you might be able to offer them advice in that regard but it isn't going to do them any good at that point. You have to wait until they're feeling a bit better and then try to tackle the problems.
  12. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    personally i've always had kindness from the people who i have talked to here, and perfect strangers to help me get through a certain period. i always am surprised when strangers i haven't talked to talk to me and say i'm stronger than i know and make an effort to reply to me. i'm not expecting this place to solve anything. what i've received is people supporting the strength/determination i have within me and actually listening as best as they can which is generally what i need and i'm grateful to those that do as asking for help is something i haven't got used to in my life (it's always been super risky in the past and have shut up blamed myself for being in pain and died slowly instead ).
  13. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    People are different and need help in different ways. Tough love has a time and a place, but until you understand what the person is and has gone through it only causes more damage. Telling people to get over it is not the answer. Don't you think they would if they could? If you are able to "just get over" things like many of the members face, then more power to you. You are not among the typical mindset. The types of posts I see from you are no different than the types of things we have gotten from our abusers. No thank you. I have heard enough of that already. I only hope that, in the future, should you need compassion, you are able to find it rather than someone who feels it best to beat you up for your feelings.
  14. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    It's true that some of what is said here may come off that way, but it is NOT INTENDED to be patronizing.

    You shouldn't feel like anybody is insincere in their compassionate words to you or anybody else, just because they do not know you personally.

    As far as your approach...I thought you were very close to coming accross as abusive rather than helpful in a previous thread and/or post.
  15. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    True, I guess most people go the supportive route to be safe.
    Harsh doesn't have to be mean, personally I appreciate it when people aren't afraid to give me straight advice, others can't handle it though.
    Really it all depends on the situation and person. :dunno:
  16. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i think it says a lot about a person if they feel the compulsive need to give 'harsh advice' to unknown people in various states of emotional distress over the net. god knows i've had it all my life when i was dying by my MH team because i was asking questions about their behaviour and knew my rights. i call it personal irresponsibility and abuse.
  17. Alexpt2

    Alexpt2 Well-Known Member


    Collectively, this place is probably the most patronising group of people i've come across, and alot of the stuff that passes for "good advice" here is about as usefull as herpes.
  18. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    The way I see it - what do you say to someone who tells you that they are depressed or suicidal and hopeless other than letting them know you are open to listening to anything they may want to tell you and offer them a virtual hug, because really it's all you can do, unless they are looking for set advice.

    I try not to say things that will warrant someone simply saying they are here for me - because I know you all are anyway, but sometimes the newer people here haven't felt or realised that yet.
    Hopelessness cannot be resolved in any real way with a few words over the internet from untrained professionals. I wish it could, but it can't.
    Neither can telling them to fucking snap out of it.
  19. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    If you feel patronized and are unhappy with the support and way we choose to give advice, nothing says you have to stay. I am sure there are other forums that can fit your needs and tell you what you want to hear. You are here because you chose to be. We did not ask you for your membership. To put it bluntly and in the way it seems you like to hear "If you don't like it - LEAVE".
  20. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    if the support here isn't working for you, you should seek it elsewhere.
    good luck.
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