pattern

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lost_child, Sep 25, 2007.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    My mum's aunt killed herself she was the 3rd child.
    my uncle killed himself, he was the 3rd child.
    I want to end my life, I'm the 3rd child.

    My uncle was the black sheep, I'm the black sheep..he was a gemini I'm a gemini. he killed himself on the 27th September 1987. 2 days time its 20 years to he's anniversary of him killing himself and being found in he's bed. I have 2 days left, I am the same age as he was when he died.
     
  2. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    not much hope for me then... im the 3rd child and the black sheep :eek:hmy:

    there will always be connections if you want to find them.
    why dont you be defiant and live one day longer... and then take it from there :wink:
     
  3. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I do hear what ur saying and appreciate ur response. I don't know what to do at the moment, i'm stuck between two worlds. I'm tierd of feeling like this, never being able to escape the thoughts if only I could get a breather from it it might have been different but at the moment its getting more intense, the thoughts are getting darker. I'm sorry so damn confused, sorry.
     
  4. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    i wish i had all the answer. i only keep trying to not think about it, try to distract myself from how im feeling and it kinda works... sometimes. but i always end up back where i started. maybe thats all we can do is find distractions and hope we can do it long enough so we can successfully forget about it completely. :dunno:

    im here if you wanna talk
     
  5. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    Dnt be sorry hun just keep talking to us, especiaslly whist things are looking so bleak. Its not the time to go it alone. Im happy to talk anytime sweetie hang in there and we will speak ery soon please keep s:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:safe
     
  6. $MyName

    $MyName Well-Known Member

    I'm the 3rd child and a Gemini to...... Uh oh :p

    You just need to do your best, do you want to be another one to do it? I don't think you do. You don't have to, just try your best and talk about it to try and release some of the stress and worries. :)
     
  7. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry. I took my car out with all intentions of crashing it and hurting myself but being so thick and stupid its rush hour and theirs too many cars on the road I don't want to injure or worse kill someone else so I stopped. Whilst I was in the car I heard this song I think its carpenters and it had the words **I'll say goodbye to love No one ever cared if I should live or die Time and time again the chance for love has passed me by And all I know of love is how to live without it
    I just can't seem to find it** I seem to be getting all these signs it must mean something those klyrics hit a cord with me its like a someone is saying its now ok to die and that no1 will be upset or mad with me. I'm sorry I'm just more confused then ever at the minute. I don't know what to do for the best I can't think straight sorry. x
     
  8. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    i wrote this a while ago it explains the only way I know how to tell.

    I couldn't reach out, I couldn't explain
    why I was feeling depressed and insane
    the thoughts that were set inside my mind
    I couldn't share, nor leave behind.

    I held onto the last bit of hope
    praying someone would throw me a rope
    I couldn't reach out nor find that friend
    somehow I had to find an end

    The phone calls I made late at night,
    were my cry for help from troubles and fright
    yet still I couldn't explain, couldn't reach out
    so alone I lived with my own fears and doubt.

    Thinking about life and how I would end my fears
    I started looking back through all the years
    trying to remember a time I felt loved
    but instead finding & feeling so unloved

    I couldn't explain, I couldn't reach out
    I couldn't even scream and shout.
    If I could have found that voice
    maybe now I would have a choice.

    I wished the pain would go away
    why was it there and why did it stay
    The silence I knew had to be broken
    but I couldn't do it, I was to heartbroken.

    Then when I told Mum I was going to die
    She wanted to form some tears in her eye
    if she had loved me or even showed she cared
    maybe then I could have been repaired.

    She never loved me, She never cared
    She left me alone frightened and scared
    She watched, llistened and she knew
    and yet to her abuse was taboo.

    so now the demons that held me for so long in their grasp
    the good old Lord decided to take me at last.
    so now you can think about me in your head
    Because when you read this I will be dead

    Goodbye and fairwell my friend
    i loved you all from the start to the end
    Be strong, be kind, and never look to far behind
    always live for your own peace of mind.
     
  9. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    The thoughts of suicide don't ease like a trapped, caged animal just running against the bars looking for a way to escape but with each hit the pain gets worse, ur head feels like its closing in, ur body is tired from fighting..so what do u do, u lay down to rest, but with no care or love ur forgotten about and slowly but surly u pass away in the cage.
    10338 days of misery
    248112 hours never having felt love.
    14886720 minutes of suffering
    28 years, 3 months, and 19 days it finally all ended.
     
  10. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    I too am a third child, of five. Very strange.
     
  11. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I read this morning that a certain painkiller, caffeine and alochol can cause liver damage and even death if taken in large quantities. If I wasn't meant to die then why do I keep seeing all these connections, why does it feel like someone is saying to me its ok to die and even telling me how. I believe that each person has an expiry date and I believe that mine is about to come up. sorry if u disagree and think I'm pathetic sorry
     
  12. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    remember what i said about finding connections when youre looking for them, it always seem like when we are in one state of mind everything else around us seems to point it out or follow w/ what we feel (words not right, not making sense) anyway basically when you change your attitude and outlook you start to see how life treats you more positively, it really is all in the mind. you attract what you project.
    you are an incredibly kind and gentle person, you have a great sense of responsibility, you have so much love to give you just not sure how to yet, it will come in time w/ patience and practice. dont give up just yet :hug:
     
  13. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I do remember and I know that even if u don't think you are looking for them consiously, sub-consiously your searching/looking for someone/thing to say its ok to die. I know mentally that I need to change my attuitude, how I see life, How I deal with difficult situations but emotionally I don't know how to.

    I told my counsellor once, that mentally I feel older then I feel emotionally, emotionally I feel like a child, sometimes a teenager (I won't go into why this happens, as I'm sure someone will jump on me).

    I've tried to change, I know I have to change the world won't change to fit around me and I don't expect it to either. I just want some peace with myself, I don't even want to be happy, just content...but how far and how long do I have to keep soul searching to find it ~ I've been looking, I've been searching and nothing, nothing. I can't find any peace.

    I sound pathetic I'm sorry. I just wish I knew what I had to do in order to survive. Being abu*ed was easier to deal with then it is now, sounds mad right but then I felt loved, It hurt, I was confused, I was in pain but I had real feelings that showed I was alive, now I have nothing, empty. inside I'm dead, I died a long time ago.
     
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