Paying the price

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by tilly, Sep 30, 2007.

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  1. tilly

    tilly Member

    I have been a sufferer of depression for about 16 years on and off. I have been diagnosed with everything they can think of. The last one being manic depression. I do not have manic depression just an inability to stand up for myself and the misfortune of having a dominating abusive family (Parents & siblings). I am also extremely sensitive. I have hated my own guts for as long as I can remember and felt inferior to everyone. It all came to a head in Feb of this year when I took a massive overdose of my prescription medicine. I have been paying the price ever since and it wasn't worth it. I was put on life support and airlifted to a major hospital. I woke up in intensive care with tubes down my throat and in my arms. They shove as much charcoal into your gut as they can, to soak up the toxins I guess, my bowel became paralized,and the huge amount of charcoal became stuck like cement in my gut. It swelled up and pressed so high up into my chest it collapsed my lungs. I was put on oxygen, had a tube shoved up my nose and down into my stomache through which the nurses tried to suction out all the charcoal twice a day. It was agony. I couldn't eat for over a week because of this so I starved. I was on a drip for fluids and nothing else. I was sure I had covered all my bases when I od'd. If I had known the pure unrelenting agony I would have to go through for the 3 weeks I was in hospital I would never have done this. I am still paying the price. My hair fell out and I still can not eat. My stomache goes into spasms if I do. My husband and son have never been the cause of my troubles yet I have done more damage to them than I can ever repair. They have fear in their eyes everytime they look at me. They love me and I broke both of their hearts. I can't fix it. I can't convince them I will never do this to them again. I saw no way out at the time. My plan was foolproof. I NEVER thought I would have to face them. I got the people who caused me this pain out of my life and things are a lot better for me now mentally. Physically I will never be the same. My husband and son also pay the price everytime they don't know where I am or if I'm late or look unhappy. I never gave them any warning. I just did it. PLEASE. Think about what you are doing. You are not just killing yourself. Anyone who loves you will die inside too and pay the price for the rest of their lives.The guilt they feel is torture that never ends. My husband has aged 10 years because of this. My son is afraid to get too close to me now. You can't undo it. No matter how hard you try. Try everything you can to find other answers. Warn someone about how desparate you feel. Tell anyone. If they won't listen tell someone else. keep talking till someone helps you. Do whatever you have to to save yourself. You ARE worth it.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Thank you for your message tilly. We don't often think about what happens when we don't succeed. All we think about is that the pain will stop. Well, guess what. it doesn't stop. If we fail, we suffer for a long time to come. Our families suffer and that makes us suffer even more. If we succeed, the family still suffers. The pain is just passed on to someone else. It may be family, friends, medical personnel, or many others. You never know how many lives may be effected by that one act. People you don't even know. I would like to join tilly in urging everyone to please tell someone how you feel and get the help you need.Maybe, just maybe, you can stop the pain. :hug:
  3. BrokenInside

    BrokenInside New Member

    Thanks. I needed to read this right now. I have a plan, but just haven't gotten the guts to go do it. I had a failed attempt a few weeks ago, but unfortunately came out alive. If it would have worked, it would have looked like an accident, which would have been good because my family would have my insurance and not the pain from suicide. :sad:
  4. Sometimes

    Sometimes New Member

    Hi Tilly... - if you're glad to still be alive, then I'm happy for you. Really.


    I just sorta found this site out of curiousity about suicide. It's something that's crossed my mind over the years, but kinda casual-like, comparable to deciding which blouse to wear --- should I wear the red one, or wouldn't today be a nice day to die?

    Most of my thoughts are in passing. Every now and then, I'll linger on the thought, imagining that all this could finally come to an end. I like to tell myself that even though I care nothing about being on earth, I do have this center of joy -- however 'wee' it may be. I'm twice-divorced. I have children and grandchildren I adore. My problem is 'connectivity.' I don't 'feel' the closeness I long for. I know/imagine my children love me, but they are busy adults, raising families of their own, working, trying to get ahead. They are a source of pride for me, because of how they live. I wish I could see them more. I wish I knew they liked being around me. I think because I'm on the 'youngish' side (56) they see me as being 'a-ok.' Still got my health, still holding a job (that I don't care for), still looking ok on the outside. "Mom's alright, she can handle it, she's got it together.' If they knew my thoughts, I'm not sure what emotions it would stir up. Would they just dismiss me - like they sometimes do - 'oh, mom, she's being dramatic'- or will they think I'm insane? (why is it that a person is likely to be labeled as having mental problems because they think of suicide? Why is wanting to hasten death insane?) When I hear people say they want to live to be a 100+, I think "why in the hell would you want to do that?" Heck, I can't financially AFFORD to live that long. Got no pension, no savings - just a low-paying job. One of my most comforting thoughts is knowing that at my age, I'm on the 'other side of middle age - that I could go naturally any day from now til 70 or, hopefully, sooner. As it is, I'll have to work the rest of my natural life. (and it took me almost 9 months to find my current job) I'm filing bankruptcy, I live in a house that needs lots of work, my mom is dead, my siblings are dead, my closest friends live out of state, my one local friend is my ex-husb's sister, and a depressed alcoholic.

    Anyway, Tilly, the thing that struck me most about your post was the pain your family is experiencing. I would not want to do that to my family. They are good people, and to have the burden of my suicide on their hearts could possibly create something desperate and destructive in them. I admire their strength and courage. I wouldn't want to mess with that.

    But still...I am weary. It's been a long, lonely, unsatisfying life. I'm not on the verge of anything, so I don't need any 'hang in there' sentiments, however well-intended. I guess I just needed to say/write these things, because I just can't in real life. Folks might call me crazy.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 20, 2007
  5. nowill2live

    nowill2live Member

    Glad you're still around. it took me a lot of attempts *13 to be exact* to figure out that life is worth living
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