Peace or Suicide
Over these past days, everything seemed to tell me that there is no choice here after all: I do not want to die, and I want to find peace with all my heart. And yet, in the end it had to come to this, as if I had never wished for peace or dreamt of it. I have been longing so much to find peace for so many years. If all is meant to fail in the universe, what could it possibly matter? Isn't all the suffering in the universe, suffering that we never choose to have, a sign that all of life is a failure? If I'm destined to be treated unjustly, then I see no reason to live. There will always be injustice everywhere I go in this world. I might die now as well as within fifty years -- or even a thousand, and endure more pains that I'm unable to endure anymore.
Unfortunately, you may all be happy that I am a big coward. I will never have the simple courage to kill myself. And I will never be able to develop that ability, that of courage. I have been a coward since I was born. When I was little, I used to get scared and run to hide whenever my uncle called my name. He has a loud voice.
I can't change myself. It's not that I am not willing to, it's that I cannot change the way I look (sad/grumpy/angry) with these symptoms of my irremediable mental illness called "simple schizophrenia". Poor response to medications. Negative symptoms of schizophrenia are not able to be treated anyway; lack of emotionality, lack of pleasure, lack of motivation, lack of persistence, lack of speech, trouble concentrating and social isolation.
People have to accept me for who I am. I can't change for them, not with this awful disease. I just wish that I can find someone who I can relate to. When I say relate to, I mean having the identical problems as me.
I have been thinking of deciding myself between two choices last month. Either I don't kill myself and prove to humanity that it can't annihilate a very vulnerable person like me or I let humanity win and kill myself. I chose the former choice. However, I couldn't manage to live with their atrocities because they were too overpowering so I have been contemplating the second choice over the past days, in order to escape from their atrocities. But as you can all see, I am a coward.
If I live, I will have to use a ferocious option whenever someone hurts me from now on, then my pain won't be as bad. That of retaliation. I am sorry for showing such hypocrisy and insensitivity in my decision but you must forgive me for my mistakes. But I promise I will never punish the good ones.
Over these past days, everything seemed to tell me that there is no choice here after all: I do not want to die, and I want to find peace with all my heart. And yet, in the end it had to come to this, as if I had never wished for peace or dreamt of it. I have been longing so much to find peace for so many years. If all is meant to fail in the universe, what could it possibly matter? Isn't all the suffering in the universe, suffering that we never choose to have, a sign that all of life is a failure? If I'm destined to be treated unjustly, then I see no reason to live. There will always be injustice everywhere I go in this world. I might die now as well as within fifty years -- or even a thousand, and endure more pains that I'm unable to endure anymore.
Unfortunately, you may all be happy that I am a big coward. I will never have the simple courage to kill myself. And I will never be able to develop that ability, that of courage. I have been a coward since I was born. When I was little, I used to get scared and run to hide whenever my uncle called my name. He has a loud voice.
I can't change myself. It's not that I am not willing to, it's that I cannot change the way I look (sad/grumpy/angry) with these symptoms of my irremediable mental illness called "simple schizophrenia". Poor response to medications. Negative symptoms of schizophrenia are not able to be treated anyway; lack of emotionality, lack of pleasure, lack of motivation, lack of persistence, lack of speech, trouble concentrating and social isolation.
People have to accept me for who I am. I can't change for them, not with this awful disease. I just wish that I can find someone who I can relate to. When I say relate to, I mean having the identical problems as me.
I have been thinking of deciding myself between two choices last month. Either I don't kill myself and prove to humanity that it can't annihilate a very vulnerable person like me or I let humanity win and kill myself. I chose the former choice. However, I couldn't manage to live with their atrocities because they were too overpowering so I have been contemplating the second choice over the past days, in order to escape from their atrocities. But as you can all see, I am a coward.
If I live, I will have to use a ferocious option whenever someone hurts me from now on, then my pain won't be as bad. That of retaliation. I am sorry for showing such hypocrisy and insensitivity in my decision but you must forgive me for my mistakes. But I promise I will never punish the good ones.
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