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  1. the_farewell_kid

    the_farewell_kid Well-Known Member

    Peace or Suicide

    Over these past days, everything seemed to tell me that there is no choice here after all: I do not want to die, and I want to find peace with all my heart. And yet, in the end it had to come to this, as if I had never wished for peace or dreamt of it. I have been longing so much to find peace for so many years. If all is meant to fail in the universe, what could it possibly matter? Isn't all the suffering in the universe, suffering that we never choose to have, a sign that all of life is a failure? If I'm destined to be treated unjustly, then I see no reason to live. There will always be injustice everywhere I go in this world. I might die now as well as within fifty years -- or even a thousand, and endure more pains that I'm unable to endure anymore.

    Unfortunately, you may all be happy that I am a big coward. I will never have the simple courage to kill myself. And I will never be able to develop that ability, that of courage. I have been a coward since I was born. When I was little, I used to get scared and run to hide whenever my uncle called my name. He has a loud voice.

    I can't change myself. It's not that I am not willing to, it's that I cannot change the way I look (sad/grumpy/angry) with these symptoms of my irremediable mental illness called "simple schizophrenia". Poor response to medications. Negative symptoms of schizophrenia are not able to be treated anyway; lack of emotionality, lack of pleasure, lack of motivation, lack of persistence, lack of speech, trouble concentrating and social isolation.

    People have to accept me for who I am. I can't change for them, not with this awful disease. I just wish that I can find someone who I can relate to. When I say relate to, I mean having the identical problems as me.

    I have been thinking of deciding myself between two choices last month. Either I don't kill myself and prove to humanity that it can't annihilate a very vulnerable person like me or I let humanity win and kill myself. I chose the former choice. However, I couldn't manage to live with their atrocities because they were too overpowering so I have been contemplating the second choice over the past days, in order to escape from their atrocities. But as you can all see, I am a coward.

    If I live, I will have to use a ferocious option whenever someone hurts me from now on, then my pain won't be as bad. That of retaliation. I am sorry for showing such hypocrisy and insensitivity in my decision but you must forgive me for my mistakes. But I promise I will never punish the good ones.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 5, 2009
  2. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    Re: Peace or Suicide

    Please keep on fighting :hug: There are others out there in similar situations... maybe you could try and see if there are any support groups near you? And don't worry so much about what other people think... you are who you are, love yourself :hug:
     
  3. Altruist

    Altruist Active Member

    Hey Kido, me again :smile:

    Sticking up for yourself is good, its a start. I will warn you that If you are to strong with it you will be unable to get what you seem to be seeking. However if you do it right people will respect you and stop picking on you. I think that the best thing you can do when sticking up for yourself is be direct, firm and calm. If someone starts to "talk trash" you say "leave me alone" not in a whining voice not in an angry voice tell them and look at them, if you have been picked on before by them they will probably continue at which point you cut them off and say much strong "back off" and you give them a strong look in the eye, say it loud enough to draw the attention of others around you. Few people will continue after this because they will feel embarrassed by the attention put on them. If during this stage you look like a victim (you said it in a whining voice, you didn't make eye contact, you had a wimpy posture) people will not care as they will just accept that you are a victim and life goes on but if you say it firmly and you don't allow others to perceive you as a victim then they will categorize whoever is picking on you as a real ass hole rather then some clown who just likes to get his kicks from picking on the little kid. People will respect you more when you start to respect yourself more, don't let someone bully you most of the time there is something you can do about it. If you have no idea what Im talking about just ask yourself, what wildebeest is killed first by the lions? Then picture what wildebeest are you? don't allow yourself to bee seen as the sick, the weak or the old.

    Anyways sorry for getting all intense there, I must seem like a very confusing person one day Im telling you stories about Gandhi and nonviolence the next Im teaching you to stand up for yourself and not to let people push you around.
     
  4. the_farewell_kid

    the_farewell_kid Well-Known Member

    Re: Peace or Suicide

    Thank you, Mikeintx, for your encouraging comment. :thanks:
     
  5. the_farewell_kid

    the_farewell_kid Well-Known Member


    Thank you again, Altruist, for your nice advice. :thanks:
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Keep holding on honey..we are here for you. and remember when things seem that bad, they can only get better :hug:

    I'm always here if you need to talk xx

    Stay strong!
     
  7. the_farewell_kid

    the_farewell_kid Well-Known Member


    Awww. Thank you, sweetheart. You are caring. :heart:
     
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