'I still love you' by Amanda Perez, thats the song im listening to. And its true i still love you, I love my mother, the woman i no longer talk to, I love Jack, the man who is no longer alive, Canan, the bestfriend i betrayed and Kuba, the man i never had. Why is love the only form of acceptable self-harm. I hate it and i desire it. I miss it but I've never had it. I dream of it and yet i know it does not exist. Maybe i should be listening to another of Amanda Perez's songs, 'Love Is Pain.' So once again im slipping into my 'mode' were i deny to myself that anythings wrong, were i deny that im unhappy. I'm pretending to smile, to laugh, my hugs hold artificial warm and my kisses are out of politeness. Once again im seeking comfort online, from internet admirers, men that will tell me what i want to hear. I'll play their game so i can hear the words i long for. Its Pathetic. But in denial i pretend its not, it means nothing to me, im just passing time. In this way, ive passed so much time. So now i listen to Christina Aguilera 'Understand' and i tell you i dont understand. Any of it. Why im alive. Why i feel this way. Why I cannot feel like you. Why i cannot be the way you want me. Why? Why? Why? Why? You know thats another one of my problems, i think way too much, which leads me to ask way too many questions. So now i've moved onto 'You Give Me Something' James Morrison. And this song makes me feel empty. I want someone to have my cure, but everyone keeps telling me there is no cure. That nobody has the answer, that its somewhere in me. Sigh. Why cant life be more like a swing ? Peaceful, but just a little squeaky.