Hi, everyone. A little backstory...I am bipolar with anxiety and paranoia and have been hospitalized many times while dangerously depressed for being suicidal/actively planning my death. My lows are cripplingly low and nearly always end that way, in the hospital. Right now I'm moderately depressed...not doing well, but definitely not "time to go to the hospital" bad. However, my anxiety and paranoia have started to fixate on my mother. She's 64 and not in very good health, recently had a major emergency illness (the doctor actually SAID "You will die if you don't stay in the hospital." I've been completely obsessed with her...I worry she's going to die in her sleep, I worry she's going to get in a car crash, or fall in the shower, or have another stroke, or hurt herself while she's mowing the lawn, or any of another thousand things that could happen. It keeps me up at night. My mom and I are extremely close...maybe too close, because I've come to realize that if she dies, I need to die, too. I'm confused by the prospect of planning my death when I'm not in the throes of depression, I'm just kind of in a "peacetime" suicidal place where I don't particularly want to die, I've just resigned myself to doing it anyway. The rational parts of me are worried by these feelings. Has anyone else gone through something like this? Does anyone have any advice?