"Peacetime" planning

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by notafunction, Nov 2, 2012.

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  1. notafunction

    notafunction New Member

    Hi, everyone.

    A little backstory...I am bipolar with anxiety and paranoia and have been hospitalized many times while dangerously depressed for being suicidal/actively planning my death. My lows are cripplingly low and nearly always end that way, in the hospital.

    Right now I'm moderately depressed...not doing well, but definitely not "time to go to the hospital" bad. However, my anxiety and paranoia have started to fixate on my mother. She's 64 and not in very good health, recently had a major emergency illness (the doctor actually SAID "You will die if you don't stay in the hospital." I've been completely obsessed with her...I worry she's going to die in her sleep, I worry she's going to get in a car crash, or fall in the shower, or have another stroke, or hurt herself while she's mowing the lawn, or any of another thousand things that could happen. It keeps me up at night. My mom and I are extremely close...maybe too close, because I've come to realize that if she dies, I need to die, too. I'm confused by the prospect of planning my death when I'm not in the throes of depression, I'm just kind of in a "peacetime" suicidal place where I don't particularly want to die, I've just resigned myself to doing it anyway.

    The rational parts of me are worried by these feelings. Has anyone else gone through something like this? Does anyone have any advice?
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Your feelings are very much in keeping with the base history of paranoia and anxiety - nearly the definition of both to be honest. Talk to Psyche and see if a more aggressive plan is available for those and it will help with the challenges while keeping you grounded in the present. Your concerns are all very reasonable, rational, and normal. The severity of effect is the only real thing to be worried about and it is clear enough what is causing that.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you talk to you doctor hun let know what is happening to you. Your mother if and when she does leave hun will need YOU to be strong and to stay and carry on her memory

    Your emotions and feelings are important and you need to talk to your doctor and like said my NYJmpMaster perhaps get your medicaiton changed up a bit to help you with the stress you are under hugs to you
     
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