I feel somewhat like a failure tonight. I have been having many issues 'down there' and became fearful that my constant self-harm has caused damage. I decided that I would give a pelvic exam another try. It would also be a major thing for me because I have never had a successful pelvic exam. I tried once, and I burst out crying the second the doctor touched me. She invited my mother in to help relax me, but I still was crying. The exam couldn't be done. Fast forward about seven years later to this year. I no longer have a relationship with my mother because of actions she did in the past. I really tried to make amends with her earlier in the year, but it didn't go well. At one point, she told me, "how will you ever have children if you can't even have a pelvic exam?" That hurt me so deeply because I did not choose to be raped, nor did I choose to tense up when the doctor touched me. I really felt like my failure was her success. So today, with my current problem, I went to the doctors and specifically requested a pelvic exam. I wanted to be able to put this all behind me. I felt that I was ready because I can better relax, and I know what to exact this time around, but the moment I put my legs up and stretched them out, I started to freak out. I was able to handle her touching me, but once she started inserting the tools, I couldn't hold still and squirmed around. It was the oddest feeling ever. I thought I was doing alright and hanging in there, but after only five minutes she said that I was having hard time and that she couldn't continue. She did manage to get some samples, but it wasn't the full pelvic exam that I wanted. I still don't know if there's something wrong with me. I just don't know what to do. I feel like the only way I can have a pelvic exam is being put to sleep, or having muscle relaxers. My therapist talked about finding a gynecologist that knows how to work with sexual abuse victims, but I haven't had any luck finding someone like that. Part of what makers it hard is with both doctors, any sign of disconfront from me and they stop. In a sense they are too gentle with me. I've always wondered how women have pelvic exams after being raped. I have to admit that I feel tempted to find some random guy help me be more comfortable with being touched and penetrated, but I know that's not the answer and could lead to worse problems. Does anyone have any healthy suggestions on how I can work on this issue?