Pensive thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dyedsoul, Apr 8, 2014.

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  1. dyedsoul

    dyedsoul Member

    Hi everyone,

    I briefly introduced myself in the 'welcome' section earlier but don't want to exhaust its purpose, so yeah:

    I've been experiencing suicidal thoughts ever since I was 16 (though I am only 21 now so I hope that doesn't sound like hyperbole). I've had a few attempts, though clearly none very successful. However I've been pretty stable over the past two years. I've had up and down moments, of course, but nothing in comparison to where I was before. And where I have returned this past week or so.

    I'm terrified. I'm slipping back again and I am so, so scared. Of course the suicidal thoughts have always been at the back of my mind, even during my more stable times, but now they're screaming at me loud and clear again. I can barely think of anything else. I feel incapacitated; too scared to move, too scared to live.

    When you've already hit, and survived, rock bottom, the thought of falling back down there again is so unbelievably horrible. I'm not sure if I'll survive it again. Is this all my existence is worth?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi dyedsoul i hear your fear but before you spiral to far down you call you doc ok see what can be done to keep you out of that darkness
    maybe talk to a therapist or councilor see what has triggered these thoughts again If it is stress related see what can be done to decrease the amt of stress you are under
    Talk to someone at your school maybe your medication needs adjusting some

    Good you are talking here too keep talking ok so you know you are not alone hugs
  3. dyedsoul

    dyedsoul Member

    I don't do well with doctors or therapy, haha.

    I think a lot of it may be stress related. I'm just about to sit my finals and also have a 15,000 word thesis to write, so there's a lot going on. I'm also undergoing a series of tests for Multiple Sclerosis, so all in all not having a fun time.

    I just can't stand the fact that these feelings will always be there. My feelings go from one extreme to the other so quickly I barely feel like I'm existing. You know when sometimes you feel like you're watching yourself from the outside? Like you have no control of your body, your life, anything?

    I find it comforting that places like this exist though. The stigma of mental health can be so unbearable, it's refreshing to see some intelligent conversation about it. I just hope there aren't too many trolls lurking about - I already have enough of those in my head.

    Hope you are doing well total eclipse, thank you for your response.
  4. iwanttohelp

    iwanttohelp Well-Known Member

    Hi dyedsoul, no your existence is worth much much more than that. Even scientifically speaking the chances of getting to live a life as a human being is so rare. Even with all the less than ideal people and situations we have to deal with, I consider every one of our lives an incredible opportunity

    So to begin with, please take some steps to get professional help. If your not good with doctors then find some one or some group to connect with. This place is a start.

    Also, remember these are just thoughts you are having. You don't need to listen to them or act on them if they are not helpful to you. A good first step is to let the initial thoughts just "be" without taking it to another level and getting scared of your own mind. Then you become thoughts fighting thoughts. Give yourself room to feel the discomfort, anxiety and fear. Its ok... feelings in and of themselves will not kill you.

    You might want to check out Acceptance and Commitment therapy (ACT) there is a good book on it called The Happiness Trap. Its self help therapy and it helped me allot.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 8, 2014
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