People are the problem

[aoeu]

I've been flirting with suicidal thoughts since last Christmas (2007). I've been taking Remeron for anxiety for about 5 years now, and I've been taking Zoloft since February. I'm not planning to act on any of my suicidal thoughts, at least at the moment. I'm very precise and methodical, so I don't think I would get a second chance if I did try.

I don't deal well with people. I have very successfully isolated myself, and I have no idea how to undo that. My pseudo-girlfriend was pretty much my last supporter, and she gave me a panic attack last night [I had tried talking to her about my first panic attack last night and she got pissed off at me], so I don't suppose I'm going to be able to deal with her any further. All of my other friends were cut out of my life long ago.

I'm dealing with a counsellor through my university at the moment, but I can't go through with this. I am considering dropping out of counselling by just not going and cutting off all communication. I've done this before in counselling and in a variety of other relationships. Most counselling that I've done has been to try and get me more social, and that's the main topic this time around.

Whenever you tell a counsellor or doctor or psychiatrist that you're having suicidal thoughts, they will advise you to call a suicide help line if I'm worried I might go through with it. I don't quite understand that. The last thing I want to do when I'm feeling suicidal is to talk to another human being. I'm more comfortable with Internet forums, so I'm here.

Professionally, I'm thrilled with the future. I'm currently in mechanical engineering, but I'm transferring to prosthetics (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prosthetics) and orthotics (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orthotics), and that's about the most fascinating thing I've ever encountered. It thrills me, even now, to learn about biomechanics.

Personally, though, I can't deal with people, and I don't believe I'll ever be happy, outside of work, as a result.

I don't know what else to say here. I'm not quite sure why I'm here to begin with.

 

[fromthatshow]

I am sorry you are feeling low.
It's truly a blessing to be doing something you enjoy though. That is one of my biggest stressors is searching for a career I might enjoy. I can't fathom enjoying going to work. I am happy that you have that .
Socializing can be hard. People are strange.
Panic attacks are scary. I have them non-stop everyday. :hug:

Well anyway, I'm glad you feel comfortable sharing here. If you want a friend, someone to talk to. Send me a pm, I'm usually not doing much else except on this forum :laugh:.

:arms:

 

[max0718]

It's not easy to get yourself going socially again after you've isolated yourself. I was extremely suicidal a few months ago (almost went through with it, stopped at the last moment), and I isolated myself as well for about 3 months. No contact with any of my friends. I lived at home and only greeted my family during the morning and evening when I came home and then went to my room. The right medication and a confession to a few friends of what I went through got me at least going out once in a while again, although I feel I'm falling into the same habit of isolating myself. Do you have a psychiatrist or just a psychologist? My experience is that psychiatrists have much more of an idea what your going through and can prescribe medication as well. I really hope you can get yourself to go out or at least keep talking to your counselor. It really becomes hell when you're stuck all alone with your negative thoughts..

I'm in a slightly different situation as you in that I don't enjoy my course that I'm studying anymore. I used to enjoy it a lot in my early years, but once the depression kicked in, I lost interest. Try to keep your mind off the suicidal thoughts by keeping yourself busy with your uni work, but I know that's easier said than done.. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk. Best of luck!

 

[purplefizz]

Socializing is definitely not easy. I have a problem with that myself. I'm not completely isolated, but I have been in the past, and my ventures into public are not voluntary. I think you have to work your way out of isolation, step by step. Don't take too much on at once. I'm not sure what you mean by psuedo-girlfriend, but I wouldn't give up on her just yet, especially because this only happened yesterday.

If you're only comfortable throwing yourself into your studies now, I think you should do that. Any happiness is good. Keep working with your counselor and take your medication. For the record, I stopped taking my medication and dropped out of therapy the same way. I regret it. Just try to trust them, because they really do want to help you.

:hug:

 

[aoeu]

I'm working with both a psychiatrist and a psychologist, the psychologist for the counselling, and the psychiatrist for medication issues, but it's going to be a couple weeks until I'm able to get a prescription for a new drug [replacing the Zoloft. The Remeron makes me able to deal with people much better], and then I suppose longer until it takes effect.

I do enjoy mechanical engineering, but biomechanics was [oh god, I'm such a nerd] my first love - orthotics and prosthetics are applied biomechanics. Actually, keeping busy with university work is probably what kept me alive in the Winter semester, but right now I'm in transfer limbo and am only in 2 courses... I moved away to avoid everyone I knew. The isolation is pretty thorough.

Well, as for the pseudo-girlfriend, our relationship has always been extremely hard to define. Our relationship has been on shaky legs for quite a while now... A fight with her was what triggered the depression. Then for a long while, 6ish months, we were on extremely good terms. Then, she started going to parties and the like, and spent continually less time with me. Of late, she's been virtually absent of my life... I thought that was improving when she showed up after about two months absence on Friday [online, that is]... I had the first panic attack last night terrified that she was going to disappear again. I told her this, after she enquired why I was sending her panicked messages, and I received the following: "Fuck you, ******. Let me live my goddamn life." I then had another, worse, panic attack, on much the same idea, just with a bunch less doubt.
Edit: I suppose I should note that this has been a prickly subject for a while

I appreciate the PM offers, but I'm not altogether sure I wish to get friendly with anyone.

 

[aoeu]

It doesn't take long on this forum...

I won't do it.

I've made that promise to individuals in the past, but they've all abandoned me. I want to put this promise out in the open. I won't kill myself.

But I still need to be happy and I don't know how.

 

[free_your_mind]

i have no friends, i don't know how i keep on living to be honest, my boyfriend suffered with the same panic attacks you are talking about too and i always supported him when he had suicidal thoughts.

 

[max0718]

Glad to hear it aoeu! As for the happiness part, you just have to hang in there and figure it out.. I think that's the part where no one can help you but yourself. You alone have to find out what works for you. That being said, I'm also still looking for a bit of happiness. Just hard to find for some people I guess.. Best of luck and feel free to pm if you're feeling low.

 

[aoeu]

Obsession/dependency?

Well, Sarah showed up last night. She was pissed off at me still, said I didn't care about her, and so on and so forth... Eventually we got through that, but a worse question arose. Would I be better off without her? I'm highly dependent upon her, she's the primary effector of my mood - for instance, when she's pissed off at me, I go suicidal, fast - and my main source of social confidence. I'm thoroughly helpless without her, and she's not always able to be here for me. I can't imagine ever being happy without her...

Could it be the case that I'd be better off without her? Would I improve if I accepted that I can't be happy with her, but that I might be able to be happy otherwise? Am I living an unhealthy obsession with her?

 

[max0718]

That's a very tough question, and one that only you can answer. You need to weigh up the pros and cons. Do you really love her? Does she really love you? Is she just using you or put more simply is she having a positive influence on your life? Try telling her what you're going through. You have to keep in mind that being with someone that is suicidal also takes commitment, so you have to give her credit for that.. Anyway let us know how it goes and what you decide to do.

 

[aoeu]

She's certainly not using me. She's not getting any benefit from this relationship. I don't know if I am, though. I'm miserable when she's gone [which is often] and happy when she's here. She used to tell me that she missed me after she went away... She doesn't anymore. She seems to have made it pretty clear over the past few months that she'd be better off without me.

 

[max0718]

Sounds like you have to develop some coping mechanism for when she's gone, rather than leaving her as it seems that you truly love her. Talk to her if you feel she is distant and work from there. I mean at least you are happy when she's around.. That's something a lot of people wish for. Good luck and again keep posting!

 

[aoeu]

Well, I talked to my therapist today, and we got onto the topic of relationships in a big way. She feels that my relationships are not properly reciprocal, and my needs aren't being met by people in my life. Unfortunately, she didn't cover what to do about it. I guess I'll talk with Sarah, but she'll tell me that she doesn't have time for me.