People just don't get it...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wonderer, Dec 8, 2007.

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  1. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    I'm totally alone right now, and I just want to die. My best friend left because she says I'm emotionally abusive. My counselor keeps telling me she's the abusive one, not me. It doesn't really matter either way, she won't speak to me.
    My mother's method of trying to calm me down is to say "well, of course you are, but thats ok." She's a real jerk. Keeps telling me I reflect badly on her because I'm depressed, and that she's ashamed of me for it, and that everything is my fault.
    My roommate is going to be living with some of our friends next year. I wasn't invited to join them, and wasn't even told about it directly. I found out through a totally uninvolved 3rd person.
    My counsellor gets that I'm depressed, I've got to give her that much. But last week she said to me that I'm doing good because most people who have been through half of what I've been through aren't alive, let alone functioning. That just makes me feel like I don't have a soul, like I shouldn't be here and its wrong for me to be alive. Because people who go through stuff like mostly have killed themselves already.
    I've got friends who want to hang out with me, and I've got a few people who will listen, but they can't help. Its like I'm on one side of a window, and everyone else is living on the other side and no matter what I do I can't get over there. My mom's newest thing was to offer to help me find a different counsellor, but she doesn't get it. No one can help me. The only reason I'm still going is so that everyone else can feel like they're helping me.
    I want to kill myself. I want to finish my finals and kill myself. Point of waiting is that my friends here won't be expecting to see me for a while and my family won't have seen me yet. I just want this all to be over because its never going to change.
  2. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    You must be feeling miserable.

    I've been to psychologists and psychiatrists. I've found them to be temporarily useful, but I would never see them for say, five years.

    I go to support groups. I find them to be very helpful and affordable. You might want to check one out.
  3. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    I've been to a grief support group, but that actually made things worse because the people I was with... they'd all had a parent die, but that was ALL that had happened, whereas thats not the case for me. Going just made me feel worse because everyone else still had a safe home, etc. This was the group I was supposed to be able to associate with, and I just felt completely isolated because I totally couldn't.
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You're right, people don't get this at all. And I wish they would start to already. It so tiring always having to put up a front for everyone elses sake and if you do try to confide or help them understand, they hurt you or turn and walk away. But when you get suicidal, either they are all there pretending to be there to help you or save you or whatever but it's really just to make them feel better. "Oh I just helped that poor soul. Wow, what a wonderful person that makes me." Or they drop shit loads of guilt on you because of how selfish you are being and how bad your actions are making them look. And people tell me to get a life? How are we going to make them understand and when?
  5. mrdavid

    mrdavid New Member

    itmahanh, I know what you mean. I was helping one of my friends when he was suicidal, and I'm like, wow, I'm a hypocritical self-gratifying little prick.

    I'm also sometimes on the other end, as in, I don't feel okay in asking people for help because I don't want to get people down. I just sort of pretend to be insanely happy, usually, when I'm really depressed. It's pretty funny.
  6. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    Eh... I'm not so sure I totally agree with you, itmahanh. At least for me, there are a few people who know whats going on and are still there. Most of them aren't, but a few are. But I do feel bad talking to them, both because I'm afraid that'll change and because I feel like I'm dumping on them.
  7. down_and_low

    down_and_low Active Member

    I'm sure your friends will prefer you to talk to them rather than keep all your pain inside. Friends are there to help in the darkest times, and sharing your thoughts could well bring you all closer together.
    Your mum sure doesn't sound like much help. I guess she doesn't get how serious depression is. But i'm sure she'll be willing to listen to you too.
    If not, all of us are here and happy and willing to listen and help!
  8. flowerpot

    flowerpot Well-Known Member

    i hope you're okay :arms:
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