People keep telling me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by clouds, Oct 12, 2010.

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  1. clouds

    clouds Well-Known Member

    Its wrong to kill myself but when life feels so awful as mine does Im not sure how much longer I can keep going. I have bi-polar disorder and BPD so there are some extenuating circumstances.. Recently my 14 year old daughter seemed to go into melt down she hated living, hated people; hated school and hated me and her step dad.She even hated her sisters and was sick of seeing her 20 month old niece..This had a huge efect on my mood and way of thinking..In fact I was at the point where I thought the best option was to kill her and myself but then became consumed with guilt at leaving my youngest behind, so I set about planning how I would kill all three of us, but before I completed the task a friend called the police I took all meds and stuff I had planned to use on all three of us and ended up in hospital..Once I came round I was able to convince the ward doctor I made a mistake and was allowed home.Since then my daughter has had some councelling and her and I agree she is too young to die. So I shall not attempt to take them wih me..However living in Scotland in the UK the police and doc informed social work of what was going on and they have started a child protection investigation with a case conference coming soon.. IM trying to keep going and show them Im not a bad mother but it is hard..Instead of inpatient treatment Ive been allowed to attend adult mental health day hospital..It helps a bit but deep down I still feel the best way forward is to end my life..I have caused chaos for my oldest daughter who is 25 and a police officer and my 20 yr old daughter has had to take on a role of being responsible for my supervsion when Im at home..it is very stressful..I only have my meds dispensed weekly but this is week two of not taking them and combined with my pain meds am sure I have enough to help complete the task.. Ive written letters to those closest to me and feel ready and calm about my decision
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You need to set example for your daughter and show her with tx and care she too can heal with meds to help as well What you do has a rippling effect on all around you suicide will only cause more suicide and more and noone wins then noone get help for yourself and in doing so you help YOUR child heal
     
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