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People still dont get it

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kaos General, Jul 21, 2010.

  1. Kaos General

    Kaos General Well-Known Member

    What is it with people on here? Does it make you all warm inside to know you've got yet another pet project on the go? Ok let me explain.

    Some people on here love to be the martyr. They go around saying im here for everyone but no-one is here for me etc. Fact is these people who go around doing this have brought it on themselves. When you come on here and say 'im here for everyone', 'feel free to add me on MSN', 'feel free to PM me' its a lie. We are not your pet project you can claim to care about then ignore when someone else comes along. But its ok because your desensitized because your behind a computer. If your gonna be there for someone well all good, but do not say you will then ignore them after a week.

    How hard is it to simply send a message anywhere simply saying 'how are you?'. The people who are claiming to be there need to realise, just because you find it easy to talk to someone dont assume that its the case for every single person. And if anyone says well i have that problem too, well its simple, dont tell people they can PM you anytime they want. Im tired of deleting people off everywhere because of these ludicrous claims made by people on here.

    You see when you play the martyr, you want the whold world to see just how caring and compassionate they are, whereas in reality they treat people like shit thinking they can get away with it. My nan was the same and she beat the shit out of me every single day for 3 years which is why people like you really really make me angry with your manipulation and lies.

    Im onto you
  2. Kaos General

    Kaos General Well-Known Member

    The martyr is one who employs self-sacrifice and victimization as a way of avoiding to take responsibility for their life. They are prepared, however, to take responsibility for everyone else's life.

    They are invariably unhappy and unfulfilled because they deny their own needs for the sake of others. They view life as a struggle, and themselves as a bastion of righteousness in an ungrateful world.

    They consider themselves a light to the world, a shining example of how a good and selfless person should behave. They honestly believe they are a model of virtue. They also believe that their goodness will eventually "rub off" on others. If they are abused and mistreated, they will suffer such indignities, because eventually their tormenter will see the error of their ways, and recognize what a special human being they are hurting.

    Martyrs are often attracted to difficult and abusive people. They have a compulsive need to change them, make these people good, and make them appreciate and respect them. They pick spouses who are brutal or intolerant, who lack a conscience, who deceive and manipulate them, and who resist the martyr’s efforts to reform them. It is interesting that they unconsciously choose to be around impossible people, and that their efforts to rehabilitate the latter are doomed to fail.

    The victim role is an important component of a martyr complex. It justifies in their mind that others are responsible for their pain. They engage in compulsive blaming to reinforce this conviction. The blaming functions to deflect the basic neurotic tendency of their behavior: They set themselves up to be victims. They do this to avoid taking responsibility for their life, but also to show that their own behavior is beyond criticism.

    Martyrs are caught in a neurotic struggle that began in childhood. Since such behavior is a complex phenomenon it is difficult to describe a particular parent-child interaction that may account for it. Martyrs often learn to be victims from a parent who assumed this role, usually the mother. She sacrificed herself for her family and reacted passively to a brutal and uncompromising husband. She kept her family intact, and often shielded the children from the more negative aspects of her husband's behavior, absorbing the blows herself.

    Since their own life was pretty miserable, such a parent often lived for and through their children. That is, their quest for happiness and fulfillment revolved around the experiences of these children. To please the parent, the child assumed the latter's aspirations, and their own needs became secondary. They learned that they must make sacrifices, repress their own desires, and behave passively toward authority. Whenever the child tried to contradict the parent by asserting their personality, the latter saw it as a sign of betrayal, and made the child feel guilty: "Is this what I deserve after all I have done for you?"

    The martyr personality was often burdened excessively with responsibilities in their younger years, perhaps looking after the household while the parent was absent. The father may have been absent for reasons other than work (drinking, idling with friends), and the mother may have worked full-time to support the family. The child was forced to sacrifice their fun and leisure by looking after siblings, and generally behaving like a responsible adult. This made them serious and resolute beyond their years. It also reinforced the conviction that they should live by serving and catering to the needs of others, while repressing their own.

    The characteristics of neurotic martyrdom in adulthood can be summarized as follows: The person cares for and helps others while sacrificing their own needs. They find people who they feel require their help the most, usually those who are selfish and intolerant. They help by showing others how to be good. They submit to abuse as an appeal to the conscience of the abuser. When this doesn't work, they resort to guilt-trips, nagging and other types of passive-aggressive strategies.

    On a deeper level, martyrs are very needy for love. Unfortunately, they unconsciously believe that the only way they can get love is through suffering. The suffering makes them feel special and wanted, and it brings meaning to their life. Their suffering is tied to their ego. They are actually proud of it. Take away their suffering and they seem lost.

    To have a normal and mature adult relationship is difficult for them. They will want to help you by listening to your problems, by offering their time and possessions, and by trying to make you dependant on them. In fact, if you don't ask them for assistance, behave strongly and confidently, and treat them as mature and self-sufficient people as well, they will sabotage such a situation and become like little children themselves.

    And therein lies the great "martyr paradox". All their suffering is actually an attempt to get people to look after them! This is the secret code of the martyr. They are looking for support themselves. If you behave maturely with them, they will become like little children wanting help from you. It is the martyr who requires love and nurturing, not the other way around.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i think your anger comes from the past and that you are judging ones that do truly care here. I know the people on this site don't just say something and not follow thru with it they do care alot Sorry your past has colored you perception so drastically to what is the truth take care okay
  4. Kaos General

    Kaos General Well-Known Member

    It not my past at all. Its what ive observed and experienced off many people on this site. I am not talking about everyone because i know theres a lot of people who truly do care im talking about people whose main goal in life is to use you as some sort of project then ditch you when your really in trouble and still have the audacity to come on here and tell people PM me anytime you want. Im sorry but i have issues with that
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i understand it must hurt greatly to feel used then when they move on to anther and leave you behind I too have felt this but on another forum it does hurt greatly i am sorry you had to feel this kind of pain.
  6. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    No, For once Chuck Norris is making a statement I agree with.
    I hate when people say "just PM to talk" and only carry on for about one or two messages then stop talking all together.

    If you're busy fine, send a message that says that, if you're helping someone else, fine, let me know, if you're feeling unhappy with your own stuff, why not talk to me? Maybe I could offer some support back that you offered me?

    But nope, just two or three message, the usual start off like...

    Message 1 "hey"
    Answer to 1 "hey, how are you?"

    Message 2 "not great, I cant seem to stop hating myself?
    Answer to 2 "sorry to hear that, why do you think that is?"

    Message 3 "well I think its because of my low self-esteem and confidence issues..."

    No Answer.

    I understand there are quite a few people who need help but it seems to do more damage to offer help then not follow through than to not help at all.
  7. Needshelp

    Needshelp Well-Known Member

    chuck youre right completely. that happens to me almost everytime i come onto this site. honestly, the more i come on the more it seems in main chat and well all over this site, is just one big clique. everybody is all in one big group ,and they dont care about anybody else that comes into the room or anybody else that may reach out for advice and an ear to listen to. i was just in the chat and someone did exactly this to me and i was going to post something about it, but thought id add on to this. it got me so upset i ended up telling everyone in main chat to fuck off and this site is useless. which why are those people mods if they do that to? seems kind of pointless to me, but thats just my opinion.
  8. Mystic

    Mystic Well-Known Member

    I have to comment on this. Someone has discovered something, which I thought was only happening to me.

    I say I am hurting, I am in emotional pain. People say they want me to talk about it. People want to 'friend' me. People are here for me and want to listen to me. They say I will be missed if I were to leave or 'do something'.

    So after a great deal of courage, I open up. I begin to say what is bothering me. Very shortly, they all disappear.

    I triggered once. I said I was leaving the forums. Not once did any of my friends PM me or attempt to contact me. (But I notice when others do, they post "where is....").

    So I left and some months I came back. People said they missed me (although it seemed no one noticed I'd left). I said I was not ready to talk about the way I feel. Someone then 'friended' me and I was sent a lot of mails about why do I feel the way I do. What my life is like and who basically am I. So I began to tell about my unpleasent life. And the funny thing is, having told it and being not what they wanted to hear, they suddenly left. No messages...nothing. They post to other people, but have 'forgotten' me.

    And they said they wanted me to call them friend.

    I feel betrayed and angry over this.

    Obviously this is one of them people not interested in 'me', or trying to help me, but trying to make themselves feel better, at least until they find someone more interesting to talk to. Then they turn their back on you and leave you. The biblical quotes in thier signiture about helping others did make me laugh (or was it cry?)

    Which made me feel a WHOLE lot better. Not.

    Why do selfish people do this kind of thing? If they are not serious about trying to help those in pain are using this forum as a 'feel better' exercise for themselves at the expense of others who are feeling low and exposed, why don't they just find somewhere else to go. Its some form of emotional trolling I really don't need. I have enough problems without this.


    p.s. Don't begin to get me started about Chat!!! Another can of worms!
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 25, 2010
  9. varek

    varek Well-Known Member

    Maybe they can't help.

    I really want to help people here but I'm kinda struggling with my own shit. Sometimes people open up and I don't have anything to give them. They tell me things about themselves and I don't know what to say, because maybe I can't relate or I just don't know. Sometimes people tell me they're lonely, and I tell them I'm lonely too but I know talking to some nobody on the internet isn't going to make them feel better.

    Maybe these people aren't martyrs, maybe they're just in over their heads. Or maybe they are.
  10. Needshelp

    Needshelp Well-Known Member

    well at least be honest if you dont know what to say to the person. thats what i do. if someone tells me something that i dont know how to relate to or how even what to say to that person, i tell them. its better than you just not responding and leaving that person hanging. its like if a new friend says "call me call me lets hangout!" and then you go to do just that, and they treat you like an asshole when you call. whats the fucking point of even coming on here if people just arent gonna respond to you? to me thats pretty low. kick a dog while theyre down. i dont mean to sound like asshole, but its pretty fucking bogus when it happens to you damn near everytime you come on here. maybe i should just seek REAL mental help and stop with this internet bullshit. seems like everything on the internet is just false hopes, including this site. oh and once again, FUCK THE ADMINS.
  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Since I'm an admin, I have to ask what we did to deserve;

    oh and once again, FUCK THE ADMINS.

    Feel free to drop me a PM, I'd like to know why you're so upset with us.

    I agree with the original point of this post. It's sad when people who aren't usually comfortable opening up, finally do it and then are pushed away. I learned a long time ago that saying you'll always be there for someone is something NOT to be taken lightly, because that phrase can really hurt people.

    And Mystic, I'm sorry for what happened to you. :hug: That REALLY sucks and isn't fair to you.
  12. dubious

    dubious New Member

    You are bang on.
    I have been banned from the chat room for mentioning this.

    I was going write alot but I don't think there is any need. Look up Martyr Complex and it represents many of those damaging and regular users leeching and preying in the chat rooms.
    This site is really not good for any true vulnerable people in a crisis, isolated and using this site regularly as social interaction.
  13. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 25, 2010
  14. Lost.

    Lost. Well-Known Member

    I came here for advice and got *hugz* (gee, thanks) and all the same moronic, condescending advice.

    I had people tell me to pm to talk, but after reading this thread, i'm glad I never bothered.
  15. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    A lot of people here are in the same position and don't have the answers for you as they are seeking the same for yourself.

    I bet if i told you to get some professional help you would dismiss or have some excuse as to why that won't/hasn't worked.

    And i don't think it is fair because of 5 people complaining that they never got responses in PM that it's reasonable or logic to dismiss the thousands of users here.
  16. Needshelp

    Needshelp Well-Known Member

    wildcherry, all i have to say is every admin member ive tried to talk to or get advice from does exactly what this thread is about. i agree theyre in a difficult position, but like i said if youre busy just say rather than leaving people hanging. and every mod or admin ive talked to has done that. idk if you guys talk amongst each other and spread gossip about the people you supposedly try to help, but most of the time i dont even get a response. honestly this site is fucking useless and the only times i try to use it were when i was in a complete shithole and honestly this site did nothing but make it worse for me just because of that reason. why is it the maintainers of the site are the biggest offenders?
    all im saying is its as easy as saying "im talking to someone else" or "im busy"
  17. Lost.

    Lost. Well-Known Member

    So are you mods going to delete every post that criticizes you?

    Grow up.
  18. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Your post was rude and insulting, thats why it was removed.
  19. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    I like when they insult me Lynn, gives me more ammo!

    Grow up... from the guy that calls hugs gay :laugh:

    I also like how you ignore my post because you know it's true.
  20. Lost.

    Lost. Well-Known Member

    How was it rude?

    Sorry if I don't care for the fake kindness and eggshell walking that passes for civility on here.