I'm droning on and on about my issues with friends, but it's an ongoing issue that's been going on for years. I think I'm going mental because of how bad they've been. What with so much time wasted, people just don't want to do things with me and instead sit there and watch the world go by. Stuff like that, as well as not having a stronger connection with those friends than initially thought. I've got the three best friends I could ever ask for in life. Jason, Tom and Dana. Jason is my cousin, Tom and Dana are his brothers. We have a tight bond together, we're all like brothers. They're brothers I wished I had grown up with in my life, wondering where they've been. I do have real life brothers but they don't know jack about me, we don't have a bond and we don't see eachother that much. I have a real life sister, but we're two totally different people now and our bond have faded in time. But yeah, those three guys, they're watching out for me, especially one of them. We've had our bad blood at times, we imagine going heights in our lives and having like a band too so we can do something with ourselves. We also have a friend too and his name is John and god what a computer whiz he is. Fucking brilliant he is. He could understand the ins and outs of Linux in his sleep if he could and concoct programs tightened by his skills so that they're difficult to break or so. But you know the one single solitary problem with all of these guys? ...They don't exist. Not a single one of them do. I've come to the conclusion that I've been so depressed over many years as to why my life isn't as exciting with my friends as they should be. It's gotten to the point where I now have imaginary friends living in my mind to fill in the void whereas my actual friends couldn't. I get upset over random periods because I'm imagining a scenario or a situation of an argument with one of those guys and at times I actually BELIEVE in them. I get all daydreaming and hopeful because I buy into my own shit thinking that I'm going to be all okay and looked for whenever one of them shows. Pfft, they aren't. I know that. I'm only in desperate mode to comfort my mind, to try and treat this void. I don't know where the real me has taken a vacation to, but I'm sick of living in this fake world. I'm becoming mentally sick that it's come to this. It's like, my ex girlfriend whom I've dumped a month ago. She's been going around for years convincing friends and even me, that she had this uncle. This uncle ran a farm and had all these animals and was fairly rich. She would crack jokes about this uncle, tell small stories about this uncle and so on. But, the problem is, nobody got a picture of him and she never said his name. Ever. And now here I've been going god knows how long, convincing myself I've got these closely-knit friends that don't exist so I could treat my problems somehow. When I know very well, that it's the opposite! I know how these steps go. Eventually I'm going to start believing that they really DO exist and I'm gonna end up ditching my actual friends at the expense of me being alone in due time. It's almost as bad as when back in high school, I convinced one of my oldest friends that I belonged to a underground group. We were called "DX" and we rivaled these groups like "Revolution". And how I kept going on and on about how there's this clique I belonged to called "The Three Frontmen" along with more imaginary people like "Seth" and "Jeff". Oh my god, just thinking about all that is making me facepalm hard. But the difference was, is back then, my imagination was running wild and I enacted on that because I was in my teens. Now, I'm a young adult still and this stuff is resurfacing, but, it's not bad to the point where I'm enacting them, it's all in the mind and I know what's fake and what's real. God I need real friends...this sucks hard.