People who pretend to be dead!

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Rose24, Aug 31, 2009.

  1. Rose24

    Rose24 Chat & Forum Buddy

    I became quite close to a young Dutch man here a year or so ago. We’d talk all the time. He supposedly ODed but survived, I knew he was unhappy and I was so worried about him. I stayed up all night reaserching on the effects of overdosing on the drug he used and talking to him and then his “sister” MSNed me a few weeks later to tell me he’d run away from home, in the freezing cold with no clothes. I told “her” everything and I cried and cried. I even offered to go to Holland if she needed me. She said she didn’t want to put me out of my way. I spoke to her for weeks asking for updates etc. I was going out of my mind worrying. She disappeared from MSN a month or so later. I continued to email him in the off chance he might receive my words…no hope. At this point, with him missing for over a month, in the freezing conditions of mid winter, I was sure he was dead. I went into mourning and became even more depressed.

    Then, recently he popped into MSN again. I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry or hurt. All I can say is, don’t put other people though what he put me though.
  2. LDA

    LDA Well-Known Member

    That is horrible. He is a horrible person.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    What a dam cruel person I hope you never talk to the idiot again unless to give piece of your mind. I am so sorry you had to go through that.
  4. Rose24

    Rose24 Chat & Forum Buddy

    Well sometimes I think it’s not his fault – he was “unwell” and sometimes crazy people do crazy things!! He just wanted the attention, but I don’t think he thought about the effect it would have on me. I just hope he gets the help he needs.
  5. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Rose I am so sorry that happened to you, you are a kind and caring person that was abused!

    As for him and your stance now I commend you even have compassion for a sick soul and that is true compassion!

    I don't know what else to say other than I admire the hell out of you, you have a HUGE heart and you are taking the higher ground!

    Hugs Bambi.
  6. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    I'm sorry to hear that. You are such a great person to really care like that. There need to be more people out there as nice as you.

    Do they still come on here? If they do maybe have an adm block them so they can't do it again? I don't know..

    I'm here if you need to talk.
  7. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Hun, if a member has been causing your problems then feel free to contact me and i'll do my best to help you out.

  8. Rose24

    Rose24 Chat & Forum Buddy

    oh no they're long gone !
  9. CPessimist

    CPessimist Well-Known Member

    You're a super empathetic person, I hope you get over your grief and anger.
  10. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    sounds like you care... so dont be taken in. make him earn your trust. second chances should be earned not given
  11. X-51

    X-51 Active Member

    This may be out of left field, but I don't see how this behavior consitutes pretending to be dead.

    I tend to go weeks, sometimes months without contacting friends and family members. I just don't tend to be terribly social. And often when I have issues, I typically tend to deal with them on my own.

    Maybe he just needed some alone time?

    Of course, I also notice you place "sister" in quotes, which tells me that you at least assume that he was perhaps impersonating such person. Have you confirmed this?
  12. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I was also thinking this, so you're not alone with the questioning and wondering how those events led to it being someone pretending to be dead.
  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I agree with the previous two posts. I don't see what he did as pretending to be dead. I've known people who actually DID pretend to die, to the point where they came online as a grieving family member, and then several days later, a friend and I contacted the family, and that person was alive.

    It sucks when you're close to someone, and they disappear for an extended period of time. And unless you're close with the family (and by close, I mean that you talk to them in other ways besides online), you'll probably never know if it was really his sister you talked to. But sometimes people just need to take a break; no matter how hard it is on the people close to them, it happens.
  14. Rose24

    Rose24 Chat & Forum Buddy

    You’re right, I will not ever know if that was his sister or not nor if he did intended on me believing that he was dead; but though his sisters grieving, no word for months and the pain I knew that he was in before hand this was certainly the impression I got. His sister would constantly tell me how she felt that there was no hope in them finding him and it is true that if someone is not found within a certain amount of time that they are unlikely to return, he was not found in the month or so that I was in contact with his sister. I truly believed he was gone and what hurt was that if he was found; knowing the pain that I was in; why did they not contact me?

    People do need time, they do need to disappear to get well again, I am a believer in that; but there are better ways to do it.
  15. X-51

    X-51 Active Member

    There are times when I forget that others care about me. It's very easy at times to retract from those with whom we might seek solace. We lose sight of how our actions will effect others. Often times, many people I speak with who have contemplated suicidal behavior, often are unaware of how many people would show up to the funeral, greiving.

    It is also possible however, that this was merely a ploy for attention. If so, then truly there are better ways to obtain it, and I'm sorry this person manipulated your feelings in such a manner.

    Perhaps having a discussion with this person, to ascertain the true motivations behind his behavior, would provide some insight. Regardless of his ambitions, I think there is an issue that needs to be dealt with. Either he feels that this is an acceptable way to get someone to pay attention, (in which case, he may feel that he does not receive it) or he may simply have forgotten how his actions may effect others.

    I wish you the best in your future discourses with this person, and I certaintly hope for the most positive outcome.
  16. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    i have had this happen to me a few times, and one time it really hurt me cause i thought P. had died only to see later that he had logged in, of course i was told later that he really did die this time but for all i know he could have just changed his name or something.

    just know that you have a heart and that is why it hurts so much cause your one of the many special people on here who really do care.
  17. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'm sorry you had to go through that Rose :hug:
  18. where were you

    where were you New Member & Antiquities Friend

    I may be new here but I've been on online communities a very very long time and I know I haven't seen it all but I have seen all manner of sick behavior. I've moderated forums with members numbering in over 100,000, without getting specific the forum would get 100 new members/day, and we would get on average 100 reported posts/day. My online experience goes back to 1992, to dial up BBS's so I've had a lot of time to see all sorts of behavior.

    We would get all sorts of sick characters and many of them would turn out to be people pretending to be who they aren't; usually men pretending to be girls (which I got very good at spotting) but I will still remember the first time we discovered this and how surprised we were. Sometimes it was just guys who were wondering what it was like to have female attention online, other times it was very sick and once we had to get the authorites in (I'm not allowed to give details). Often no harm is intended. The easiest to spot are those who act like a caracature of a person: shallow, predictable, and always attention seeking behavior such as innapropraite sexuality implied often when the focus comes off them. When these guys get called out, it's a very awkward time indeed.

    Fake deaths are also very traumatic for people who get close to. The first time this happened was in the early 90's on a dial up BBS so it was a local person that some of us had met in person at user meets. A friend had said what hospital he was in and everything and people had gone so far as to send flowers and cards to the families before we learned that it was him just experimenting. I think people wonder if they will be missed and they gace "get away with it" easier on online communities. These people are sick people (in the moral sense), lacking in empathy, and I know how much it hurts because if you lose someone you go through real actual grief. These people don't understand that.

    Usually these people have multiple accounts (the moderating team can see their matching IP addresses on the posts) and the 2 versions of the person will often have very heated interations with their two characters in order to draw attention to themselves.

    These people are often very protected and babied because they don't understand what grief feels like. Possibly they have a mental disorder that prevents then from feeling the full spectrum of emotions (mild Autism or Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and unfortunately you just have to make it a learning experience because I'm sure types like that will flock to a forum based on this topic. They probably don't know what it's like to grieve (have never had anyone close to them die), or conversely had someone close to them die and in a sick way wanted to have the like of attention where people say nice things about someone who has died and wants to see what people would say; they are experimenting. It's filthy because when people really die we have to check the sources and maintain skeptical distance when we hear about a death.

    I'm sorry this happened to you. Chock it up to learning experience and that (like a bad relationship) you wasted time and energy on someone who is scum, and keep the wisdom that you got from this experience and keep and eagle eye out for people like that in the future.
  19. Kaos General

    Kaos General Well-Known Member

    damn rose just read the thread and that is sick. Hope your ok. There are some pretty sick people on the internet and you can never be too sure who your talking to half the time which is why the is always ways of checking if its the same person by means of ISP address!!!