People would be better off without me around

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ordep, Sep 21, 2009.

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  1. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    This is just what's been around my mind this past few days (and nowadays my mind is so volatile that a few days is a long time). I hate my father and he hates me, so we keep hurting eachother, my mom hates my father but doesn't divorce him because she wants me to keep studying and the only way I can pay college is with my father's help- and the minute me or my mom leave him that help's gone.

    My ex. doesn't stand having me in the same college as her. Every time we cross I can just feel I almost spoiled her day, my only friend is already tired to the bones of dealing with me and sometimes even gets depressed himself from talking to me. He has a great life and I'm obviously the only thing that's giving him trouble.

    And that's it, 4 people in my lif and they all would be better off if I was dead, even my mom who suffers so much with my father would be better off on the long run. My father would get rid of me and keep his precious money, my existence wouldn't bother my ex anymore and my friend could have a completely perfect life without me spoiling it for him.

    And me, I'm just so tired of living this pathetic shambling life that I just wanna die myself. I've got nothing to give me the will to push foward, nothing to take all this crap out of my head (even for a lil while), no one who needs me or is counting on me for anything. No, I just make people's life harder. I feel like a blight as it is. Luckly for society, I'm so out of sync with the world that I really don't get to spoil many people's life, but still...

    As usual, sorry for the long post
  2. alice_0

    alice_0 Active Member

    hi. im sad to say that i've feel that way a lot of the time myself. but ppl do care. i know you dont know me or anything, but i know what its like to feel hated and feel unwanted. my stepdad hates me and has before he and my mom were in a serious relationship. she knows and she doesnt care. she gets mad and smacks me around when i get upset. so i know how much it hurts, and i know how it can make you feel so completely alone, like there's nothing you want to do ever again. but please dont give up. you seem a lot like me actually, worried that you are making your friends life harder, and apologizing for a "long post". dont be sorry, when you need to talk you need to talk. holding it in only makes things harder and is very mentally unhealthy. stop being sorry. i know i say sorry to much until one day i realized i was sick of being sorry. i realized that im not the problem, and i shouldnt have to be sorry for hurting or for being me. i hope you realize this too. and your friend is there for you because they care! if they seem sad after talking to you, dont think that its because of you. you are their friend and that saddness is saddness for you not because of you. and i know its hard to see the light through all the pain and the dark, but its there, and ppl do care about you. anyone here at sf would be more than willing to help you, and im positive that we all want you to be okay. and dont rule college out and dont feel like you have to rely on your dad. there are many many scholarships and grants and loans, as well as financial aid that your college may offer. you'll make it if you want to, and then you'll be away from your parents and living your own life. things will get better, so please stick around to see it! i hope this helps, and i hope you can start to see the light. best wishes and thoughts for you! take care
  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    You are better off with you. Other people are responsible for themselves.

    Would spending more time on campus allow you to not have to be around your dad so much?
  4. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    I entered a big and prestigious (thus highly expensive) college on scolarship, but after breaking up with my ex. my grades went downhill and the scolarship is long gone, and no bank's gonna loan me scolarship money based on my latest grades. I can either drop out or be stuck depending on my father. I can't even ask for transfer without reseting all my progress in college to 0, I just can't do that stuff all over again, by the time I'd be finished I'd be too old for the certificate to be of any good

    There's no way in hell I want stay a minute in college more than I have to. My ex gets mildly annoyed by seeing me, but I die inside everytime I see her and feel her hate upon me. That and the fact that everyone just looks me down as an outcast just makes me wanna run from that place as soon as I'm done with classes.

    One is responsible for oneself of course, but everybody depends on other people to make their living. A student depends on the teacher to be taught, a singer depends on the other musicians to provide their parts for the song, everyone depends on the breadmaker to have bread, a friend depends on others friends to have fun on a night out, etc etc. The purpose of human life in a society is to provide for other just as they provide for us. But I searched high and low and found absolutely nothing where my existence could actually provide something good for someone, anyone. That simply defeats the purpose of being alive. I'd just like to know there's a situation where someone would pick up the phone and call me not because I'm the only guy avaliable but because I was the the one that person needed for that situation... But it seems thats just asking too much...

    Alice I guess you're totally right on one thing, I do apologise alot. I guess I'm not confident enough in myself to believe I'm not always an annoyance for other people.
  5. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I have a lot of ups and downs and you may be the one person who can help when I post here when I'm down. You have great worth.

    If people are looking down on you at college, that is their problem, and their process of maturing. You are not responsible for their process and everyone has to go through it.

    It's impossible for everyone to look down on you at college. Hang out there a bit so people can get to know you. If you see your ex sit down with a journal and write, then tear up the pages and throw them away.

    In time, the pain you are feeling over your ex will subside. We all have to walk through this when our hearts get broken. I hate it when my heart gets broken. Everything about life becomes surreal and has little meaning to me. That's when it's time to parent myself and do a few extra special things for myself. Ice cream is good.
  6. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    It's very possible for everyone to look down on you when you're a long haired male who dresses mostly in black and comes from the suburbs but studies on a school for rich snobs who look down on anyone who doesn't wear a rolex and/or drives a mercedes or better. I'm not one to give up on things, but I've preety much given up on making friends in that college, tried the first 2 years and failed miserably. I may not be the one responsible for this, but I'm certainly the one who pays the price.

    That's actually one of the reasons I signed in this forum... to try to help people, maybe that would give some meaning to my life I thought... I've been trying, but I don't know if I'm doing any good to be honest.

    Thanks for the support anyway
  7. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    It seems your still in love with your ex? I just started my first year of college and im sorta like you. I dont connect with people, I have nothing to share. I have a cell phone yet I get zero calls and zero texts 24/7. I havent made any friends since I started college, it is just hard for me. Especially the fact that I commute to my college. Im just trying to focus on education rather than friends. Im becoming one with loneliness and it isn't that bad. Anyway what are your ambitions? what do you want to be? What helps me is forgetting all the shit around me and doing what I want and just working to get a good job for the future. And about your ex. you should stop being bothered by what she thinks or what you think she thinks of you. I know it's hard but you gotta let go.
  8. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I've never cared for the rich snobs. They are off in their own world. Even with a lot of them around, I would find a few people I could connect with.

    I think dressing in all black with long hair is cool. I'm an old hippy and dress very casual and my cloths don't always match. I like comfort.

    Even tho I was so different than most in college I had a blast. Of course I went to college after 25 years of working so I was in heaven.

    One day I really got the rich snobs good. I got them all to say ewwwwww in class when I spoke of my love for peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches.

    Keep us posted how school is going. I love to hear about these kinds of things.
  9. jackiehall

    jackiehall Member

    People who are snobs and look down on other people are often the ones who have the lowest self-esteems. Why do people judge and criticize other people? Because it makes them feel better? And why do they need to feel better? Because they dont like themselves. When people don't like themselves, they either beat themselves up or they turn to other people and beat them up (physcially, emotionally, whatever makes them feel the best). What they are saying to you is really speaking volumes about who they are.

    You absolutely are valuable to this world, because you exist. Just by being here you are contributing to the way that the world is. By being at that school you play an important part in teaching people that not everyone needs to be the same as each other and your differences teaches them to look outside their little squares that they live in. None of us have any idea how we contribute to one another's learning about life, but we do, always. Everywhere you go you contribute to someone's life, through conversation, behaviour, reactions, your happiness, your sadness. If you took you out of the equation, many people's lives would lack your teachings. You are contributing right now to this forum and the many people that are reading it as well as replying. You help me to put my life into perspective by writing these words to you. Everything you do provides value to the world, because we are all influenced by you. If you feel that you're influence is negative to people, then there is still value in that because you are helping people to learn about life. If you feel that you're influence is positive to people, then there is value in that because you are still helping people to learn about life. Regardless of what you do, you add value to life, just be existing. We all do. That's why life is so wonderful, because we are all teachers and we are all students. Your mother and your father, through their behaviours, are teaching you abour life and you are teaching them. This is the cycle of life.

    You said, "The purpose of human life in a society is to provide for other just as they provide for us." You are providing for others by everything that you do and everyone is providing for you. Just because it isn't desirable, doesn't mean there isn't value in it. You need to look for the value in every experience and what you can learn from it, as there is value in every experience, good and bad. You learn when you get the goal, when you don't get the goal and on the way to the goal. You teach others on the way to the goal, when you don't get the goal and on the way to the goal. This is the very essence of why everyone is worthy in this world - because you exist.

    Now in this situation, you can become an inspiration to people by being different. People are often fearful of someone different because you represent individuality which is what they are afraid of. Many rich people are conditioned with the stigma that is involved with being rich and are scared to step outside of that stigma. People see you and you represent that fear in them to be themselves, for fear of rejection. If they reject (or don't associate with) you, then this is merely their attempt to keep their bull**t security of that stigma which is shielding their delicate insecurities. When you remain true to yourself and proud of who you are, your individuality, you become an inspiration to people. Have a look at some of the most famous people in the world and you will find that they are very different from the 'norm' and people are inspired by that. When you are confident about your individuality and your uniqueness, you become an inspiration to people, because you are what they want to be - free of the stigma that they feel that they need to live up to.

    I say, don't change a damn thing about yourself. Learn to see the value in all of your experiences and stay true to who you are. Know that we are all the same, all here to learn about life and experience our own journeys. No one's journey is better or worse, just different. When you believe this and you find all the wonderful things that make up who you are and love yourself for them, then you will present yourself differently to the world. In turn, you will find that they will respond differently to you. You teach people how to treat you and that is largely reflected by how you treat yourself. Find your inner uniqueness and radiate it out to the world, for you are worthy just the way you are!!!

    Finally, the best way to give more meaning to your life, is to give a part of yourself. You can do this by volunteering, helping people less fortunate than yourself, fundraising for a good cause, or just make a point to do something selfless for someone everyday. It helps you to step outside of yourself, gives you the most awesome, worthwhile feeling and inspires yourself and others around you. For inspiration, go to an awesome website called I just love this website.

    I hope that this helps you with a different perspective on why you are a beautiful worthy human being, regardless of the opinions and actions of others. They are just operating the only way they know how, based on their conditioning, teachings and experience.

    Good luck and thank you for my valueable learning from you and the contribution you have made to the many different people who read your posts.

    Take Care
  10. Mustafa

    Mustafa Active Member

    Ordep, time in college may be the hardest one in many ways especially if you don't have support, but after sometime you will just look back and say "Why was I so sad".

    When I was studying I never felt support from my parents even though they love me. When I failed one module my father kept blaming me, saying that I'm stupid etc. When I failed my resit and as a result failed my degree completely and the course leader said that there was nothing I could do I tried to commit suicide after few hours. And by this I don't mean something like overdose or something, I got to hospital with many injuries, had 7 surgeries and stayed in coma for 4 days.

    Thank God I survived and somehow was able to get credits necessary for my degree. But now after more than two years I regret doing it almost every day.
  11. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Thanks for all the kind words all of you.

    Angelo: I envy you, I wish I could just focus on my studies and put everything else on the closet for the time being, that really seems like the best course of action, but it's just not working for me. I blame mostly the things I already said about my ex and the people over there looking down on me and making me feel unwelcomed. I'm studying business managment and I'd like to manage in human resources if I ever get there.

    I mean, I love the subjects, love the teacher, but being at college is total pain for me. I feel unwelcomed, like I crashed the rich kid's party and they all know it. I don't know for sure but I think I'm sorta "marked" as no one ever sits on my ROW in classes. That's right, the entire row I choose seems to always end up empty unless I actually sit down in row that's already occupied. Now, I work alot with probabilities in college, know what are the odds of that being accidental? Close to 0...

    I'm right there with you on the cellphone. I actually have 2 (back in my golden days it made sense) and none of them has seen a call/text for weeks. Actually one of the cells is kinda new and never got a single call as far as I recall.

    Yes, I love my ex, not only as a woman but also as a friend. If I only had her as a friend I wouldn't be here. I could take all the rest of the crap with a smile if she was still around, she always knew me well, and knew how to push my buttons in a right away. I'd never go this down if she was still around, now I'm obsessed with her I think. I keep having flashbacks from times gone by, I daydream about those days, I still keep pictures of her, I still keep her letters, I still keep preety much any memorabilia I have of her, I keep track of her myspace just to try to get at least a small idea of how she's doing (even tough I see her everyday)... I know, this is stupid and I'm sure it'll be my downfall. If I suicide, I'm preety sure she'll be in my last thoughts, if not because it's the last, then because seriously, she's on most of them...

    Chargette: When I mean that school is a place for rich snobs I mean it. Me and a guy I knew in my first year (dropped out soon after) used to joke about how we're the only guys there who wear t-shirts, while the other guys all wear button shirts, pullovers or other fancy clothing. I'm dead serious, I'm not one for painting things worse than they are, that place doesn't look like a school at all, it's more like a ballroom or a bank. I'm serious, I searched high and low, there's no one even "kinda" like me in that place.

    I already gave those snobs afew shocks myself, but it really only served to make them look even downer on me. They really don't forgive anyone who thinks different.

    Jackiehall: Whoa, long post. Read it all tough. I agree with you that it's those snobs who are wrong and it's they who should change, but it's not them who feel the consequences of the way they are thus they won't change, it's pointless to even think about it.

    I can see where you're going with the "you affect others by being different" thing, but that's just not fulfilling, it doesn't earn me praise, doesn't give people a better impression of me than before, that's just something from the fringe realms of existence. I really need something "touchable", something that I can point at like having a friend that needs me because I'm the only one who can help him with math or something...

    And I did do volunteering during summer, now time now tough...

    Thanks Mustafa, it's good to hear from people who are in a bind such as me and actually got out ok.

    Edit: And just now me and my father just had the 1000th insult and fist fight because I forgot to charge the batteries for the freaking camera! God forbid that idiot from actually doing it HIMSELF since he's the only one who uses that bloody thing. Sorry, just needed to say that somewhere...
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 22, 2009
  12. jackiehall

    jackiehall Member

    "I can see where you're going with the "you affect others by being different" thing, but that's just not fulfilling, it doesn't earn me praise, doesn't give people a better impression of me than before, that's just something from the fringe realms of existence. I really need something "touchable", something that I can point at like having a friend that needs me because I'm the only one who can help him with math or something... " (Sorry don't know how to do proper quotes).

    What happens with depression is that you are in conflict between what is reality and what you believe should be the case. The reality in this situation is that you can't change who they are and have no control over their change, you only have control over what you do. If they really are as bad as you say, then there is nothing you can do to change that, only they can change who they are. This is not a reflection of you, nor does it prove how worthy you are and although you are still affecting their experiences in some way, I agree that we all need to feel wanted and needed and it is indeed a primal need, but the reality is that in this situation you are not likely to come across someone who "needs you because you can help him with math or something" at least not in this college or with the current students that are attending it (never know that could change at any time). This is the reality of this situation right now. Once you have accepted this reality as it being the way that it is (and that doesn't mean that you have to like it) and that it doesn't mean anything about you and your self-worth, you can begin to look at other ways to get what you want instead of looking for it in a place where you just can't get it right now. You have obviously tried to 'fit in' and it hasnt worked, so now it might be time to try something else. There is a bigger world out there than your college where there are people who are accepting and different and wanting to be needed, just like you. You just need to take your attention off trying to finding these people at college and start looking for that connection elsewhere. Are there other sports clubs, social clubs, suppport groups, church groups, meditation groups, special interest groups that you can join that align with your interests. These are the places to start looking for quality friendships. It is true that these college people are obviously very different from you (not better - different), so you are not able to connect with them, so seek out people that you can connect with outside of the college and this will help you feel fulfilled, accepted and needed. I'm not saying that it will fix the college situation, but it would certainly take the edge off feeling completely alone and isolated and possibly help you to care less about what they think, because you have some other group to look forward to that likes you for you.

    Remember, that this period of time (at college) is only a small portion of the rest of your life and you will get through it. Look for the solution by accepting the reality of the situation and think about other ways to fulfil your needs. Life sucks sometimes, but these are the times that we learn the most about ourselves and after going through the hard times, we look back and see our most valuable lessons about life have come out of them.

    Sorry for the long post again. I am a fast typer so I tend to have the liberty to waffle on. I hope this helps.

  13. Mustafa

    Mustafa Active Member

    Ordep, I just wanna tell you that you are feeling very bad now but just be strong and it will get better. I know from my personal experience.

    After I survived a suicide attempt I changed completely and one important thing that I learned is DON'T GIVE A F**K TO WHAT OTHERS THINK.

    People who judge you and look down at you are worth less than sh*t. They only do so just to make themselves feel better and because they have achieved nothing and never will.

    Also when I was walking and seeing poor people and comparing themselves to the situation that made me suicidal I was saying to myself that half of the earth should commit suicide :D

    I will tell it again. Remember the worst thing with suicide is if you fail and become injured so bad and make your life in worse. I'm telling so because I have titanium screw in my elbow and couple of wires in my fingers.
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