Why do I care? Why do you care? What the fuck am I looking for? I know what it is. And whatever it is it won't be found. Do people go to their deaths resorting to "it will happen," when the truth is that I can't take the pain that relationships cause? And avoidance of pain = lies.
It's at times when this happens between me and her that everything resurfaces again. And no doubt, in 5 days time- it may be forgotten, buried again- the fact that I am a pest she just about puts up with. What I say is unimportant. I have to now follow some rule when it comes to the contents of my text messages and if I'm going to talk about "anything important" on the telephone. Who on earth is interested? Who is ever interested? I have no one to talk to.
Am I going to spend the rest of my fucking life sitting in front of a computer talking to the air? Or trying to seam some connection with text, with feelings on the screen that doesn't respond in any way?
This hurts. I hurt. Everything hurts. It hurts inside that what I want will never happen. I can't even sustain or start up friendships on the fucking internet, I am that much of a social failure :laugh: It's better to laugh. I'll laugh and tomorrow this will fade and I'll try again to balance my life of burying what I want and trying to survive on my never-ending supply of dreams that are too painful to escape into in daytime but then creep up and haunt me when I'm asleep.
I understand how you feel - people CAN be painful, intentionally or not. I often feel like a nuisance and a waste of space too. I try to understand and forgive those who are painful unintentionally and just avoid those who are painful on purpose. I'm sorry that I can't do more than just tell you I understand your hurt and frustration.
first you are not a pest or a nuisance, you are a human suffering. I think with relationships you have to be willing to risk getting hurt and enduring pain because no relationship is guaranteed happiness. It takes work to get that and even that it's not always 100%. I shut down for years bc i got sick of getting hurt, i don't htink it's a good idea, i think that if you find osmeone you truly love then you will be willing to work at it.
I do realise that relationships mean getting hurt. I've been with my girlfriend for over 4 years and the first 2 were very painful but we worked at it and I thought things had settled down. Now I'm wondering if what we'd settled down into were just lies, things to keep me, mostly, from getting upset. I am a pest to her.
I think the hurt that people bring far outweigh the good. I've had bad experiences. I want to be self sufficient. And this leads on to the anorexia going out of control.
I hear what you're saying. But it's way too much pain.
i think i can relate as best as i can to what you say.Pain can be so excruiating [sorry for spelling] at times.im finding that quite a lot right now.i never thought pain could hurt this much as im experiencing rihgt now.i dont know what to say to you.But PM [private message] me anytime if you want to share more ever or carry on posting below.i hope somehow it helped you to get some of it out here.i hope slowly things will improve.i just wanted you to know i read and you are being heard.i could feel your pain.
Thank you so much kath. It did help to talk to people here and I appreciate that a lot. I'm sorry you're going through this, I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone. It is horrible how the one thing you want so much-the one thing you rely on can be so damaging when relationships start to "wobble." I appreciate your offer for the PM'ing. If you want to talk I'm here too. Take care of yourself kath :hug: