Why do I care? Why do you care? What the fuck am I looking for? I know what it is. And whatever it is it won't be found. Do people go to their deaths resorting to "it will happen," when the truth is that I can't take the pain that relationships cause? And avoidance of pain = lies.
It's at times when this happens between me and her that everything resurfaces again. And no doubt, in 5 days time- it may be forgotten, buried again- the fact that I am a pest she just about puts up with. What I say is unimportant. I have to now follow some rule when it comes to the contents of my text messages and if I'm going to talk about "anything important" on the telephone. Who on earth is interested? Who is ever interested? I have no one to talk to.
Am I going to spend the rest of my fucking life sitting in front of a computer talking to the air? Or trying to seam some connection with text, with feelings on the screen that doesn't respond in any way?
This hurts. I hurt. Everything hurts. It hurts inside that what I want will never happen. I can't even sustain or start up friendships on the fucking internet, I am that much of a social failure :laugh: It's better to laugh. I'll laugh and tomorrow this will fade and I'll try again to balance my life of burying what I want and trying to survive on my never-ending supply of dreams that are too painful to escape into in daytime but then creep up and haunt me when I'm asleep.
So fucking pathetic.