Perfect timing

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Emelie, Aug 27, 2016.

  1. Emelie

    Emelie Member

    To make a long story short.. I'm going abroad in a week. A wonderful trip with my closest and dearest friend and her 2 lovely children. I know I will have an amazing time. I will be happy..

    So why not end it when I'm at my happiest.. it's the perfect timing. I get to spend my last week with the ones I love the most. I tried putting the idea aside.. but it keeps popping up and I can't denye it anymore. I can never get a better timing than when I return home after that week. I will go with happy memories and they will have happy memories of me.. that's not easy to come by these days.. happy times..

    I have begun planning on how, when and where.. notes to my family.. and I feel at peace. Is that not the perfect way to go?
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi and welcome to the forum.

    Please do not go through with it. Maybe the holiday will make you realise that life is for living and push away the depression and suicidal thoughts and feelings?
    Are you on medication for your depression or in therapy? I hope you re-consider your plans and get help. You don't deserve to be feeling this way. Has something triggered this? You can talk to us, we will not judge you in any way.
  3. Emelie

    Emelie Member

    This is not something new.. I'm 27 and I basically have felt like this since I was 14.. a few good years but this is not depression or a sudden streak of insanity. I have a wonderful life. Nothing to complain about. I just don't want to live it.. I feel like I'm done.. I have done what I needed and now I don't want to do it anymore. And I know I'm ungrateful for this "gift" of life.. but I didn't choose life.

    I'm not in therapy and not on meds. Never seeked help. I don't plan to..
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hmmm. Didsomething happen to you when you were 14? I am also 27 years old. Life is tough for sure, suicidal thoughts are not something to brush off, you need to see someone about the depression you are experiencing. I think a part of you still wants to live as you posted here and I hope we can give you the encouragement and support to get you through this crisis. What do you think would help you best right now, in a pro life way?
  5. Emelie

    Emelie Member

    I have been reading on this site.. to search for happy endings. But I realised there is none. All the threads I have read with "survivors" has the same conclusion. They keep their mind occupied and live for someone or something else.. they are basicly zombies .. for what? To say that they made it to 30.. 50.. then what? Is a miserable life worth living just to say u lived it?

    When I was 14 life got more real. I fell into a deep depression.. probably because my mother did and our family as we knew it went dark. But she's really good now.. she found out after a few years she was bipolar. Meds working.. I came out of it for a few years.. but the last 5 has been grey. I'm not sad.. I'm not depressed.. I just don't want to do it anymore. I'm tiered.

    The reason I write here is that sometimes it's nice to air out your mind.. talk about plans and ideas. No one knows irl and I will keep it that way. Meds make u melancholy.. I already am.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    That is good, it's good to get your thoughts out in the open :) Glad you found us here anyway, IF something could change your mind, what would that something be? Do you want to die or do you want your life to be different?
  7. Emelie

    Emelie Member

    I could not wish for a better life.. I have a good family.. amazing friend.. a good job.. a nice home.. my health.. I'm aware that I'm a piece of ungrateful shit. I have it all.. and I don't want it.

    I don't want to die specificly.. I just don't want to live. I don't believe in heaven or hell. And I imagine that when I die it's like a dreamless sleep. It's just black. U don't exist. And I long for that feeling. The nothingness.

    U ask what would make me feel better.. I don't have an answer to that.. since I don't have a specific problem.