Perfectionism- need some objectivity

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by MorganaNever, Mar 1, 2012.

  1. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    I feel my partners perfectionism is ruining my life but it might all be my fault. I have no modEl to compare with to see what is normal.

    Because of many big things in life i struggle with depression- i dont want to use it as an excuse for who i am but it plays a big role. My whole life structure is so uncertain. Last thing i care about are tedious little details and doing everything perfect- sth i can only muster a bare minimum just to get by. Things like food or decorating the apartment or being so aware of my surrounding is very hard and doesnt always even feel important when whole big picture isnt right.

    My partner is different, he needs every little thing done right and always yells at me for being careless. I feel i try so hard to focus on stuff that i dobt even care about in this moment just to avoid confrontation but my best efforts arent enough- i always do sth wrong, i always fail to notice sth.

    If i lived alone i think id really put a bare minimum in things that dont feel so big until i fix myself a bit, but i cant do this now cause it would mean being very unfair and my partner would have to handle all cause they need that order. Im yelled at every day for being careless and i cant take it anymore- he is absolute, all or nothing and i just cant put my 100 percent capacity into everyday life at this point. The more depressed i am the more i withdraw within my mind and the less i notice of my surrounding. He however only seems to grow more petty. Maybe petty is an unfair thing to say- to him i am careless.

    Dont get me wrong i dont expect him to do everything and i try o be fair and do as much ad possible. But when he constantly has a problem with everythig i do it all becomes a terrible chore for me that drains the little energy i have.

    I get his moto that everything is importany and not to do it if you cant do it right but i also think sometimes you have to prioritize and sometimes just getting by is a skill.
    I mean i cab withdraw and not do anything but i would feel like shit cause it would burden him and is totally unfair. But i really dont know if its me who is so careless or his stabdards that are harsh (i mean he yells at his parents for not doing things right).

    So if anyone here is a perfectionist, how do you deal with people disappointing you. If anyone is with one, how do you manage to compromise?

    I get really hurt by the fact he is right and i really dont always care about some things, and its fundamental so even with all the effort it isnt perfect, i am drained and he is disappointed.
    In tired of being crticized and called careless when it takes so much energy to try and pay attenyion to things that to hin come natural. I know that makes him deeply disappointed with my character cause what seems trivial to me is a whole life philosophy to him. When we are in bed alone at night talking, everything is right. But days for me have become sth im trying to rush trough, filled with anxiety and sometimes pure insanity.

    I came a long way from where i was, but no matter what i just cant adapt to his expectations.

    My confidence is totally gone cause i cant play this all or nothing game and im tired of nothing.
  2. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    It seems that he isn't being sensitive to your mental condition, and if you're feeling worse about his criticisms of you, then you aren't comfortable enough to stay in a relationship with him. Just an outsider's point of view from what you've posted. Not suggesting that you break up at all, but you could open a line of communication with him about how his habits and perceived harshness make you feel, given you're already vulnerable and lacking self-esteem; otherwise you might as well get some time apart if you can't handle it. You need motivation, support, understanding from him that's more caring, especially when you're feeling weak. It's something he'll have to adjust if he cares about having a better relationship where you don't feel like this.

    When people disappoint me, how I respond depends strongly upon the priority level of the task(s). But if I'm asking someone else to do something for me in the first place, then it must be important in some way or another. I usually want things a particular way, and when they aren't, then I can flip out and forget about it just as quickly, but if it's something minor then I don't care. Also depends on the time of month...