I have decided to diagnose myself with an Obsessive Maladptive Perfectionist Disorder :unsure: Pretty much through some words together there Anyway I think it is the route of my problems. When most people think of a perfectionist they think of someone who strives for excellence and to better something, someone with a drive to be perfect. They say a healthy perfectionist has drive, an unhealthy perfectionist is driven. I'm the latter. Someone in chat once told me I was a perfectionist after I told them about my life and what is getting me down. What causes it, what I want. This was a while a go, but I've decided to look into it more, read some psychology background. What I want is something instant, I am not driving to get there, I am brought down by not being there. This is the unhealthy maladaptive side. I am constantly worried about others perception of me, I want to be perfect, seen as perfection. It makes me insecure when I am not feeling ok. I constantly seek sympathy and affirmation when I'm online! Both here and on msn with people I know personally. My self esteem is taking a battering because I do not have the things I want, I value myself on success rather than who I am, career success, money, love. I cannot stand being 2nd best, in my mind, just being in a room of people, meeting people, I am constantly trying to think of myself as better than them, how I can be this, if i dont feel it my self esteem will be shot. I can go into more detail, and will later when I remember the things I thought about this morning. But I just had to start a thread for now. There is nothing online that gives me hope I can get over it, no strategies that I think I can do, a lone mainly, actual therapy may be the only solution but I cannot get that.