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Performance + others' opinions = self worth

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cap, Oct 1, 2010.

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  1. cap

    cap New Member

    Thanks for taking a look at this attempt of me trying to articulate where my head is at. I think that in my former vocation, I became addicted to (and reliant upon) other's opinions of me. Essentially, I believe I ended up in this position:


    I want to move my self worth away from my performance (which in post-graduate school has been quite marginal) and others' opinions, but I am not getting there. I think I need to become better resourced.

    My faith has helped and is the only reason I have not already topped myself. Working out more has also helped. Nevertheless, I do not feel that I have taken any real, substantive steps forward.

    I am tired of being this way. I feel nothing, I want nothing, I am nothing . . . all the while I am plagued by anxiety (explain that). The last time I discussed these feelings with my wife she could not identify with me at all. She recommended that I see the doctor. I did, and he increased my meds and gave me an additional one that caused me to gain 15lbs in 2 weeks ( . . . yeah, that helped *snide tone*).

    Apart from killing myself, I think about disappearing. Jumping on my motorbike and leaving my life behind me . . . my wife, my family, my relationships, my identity, and my savings (for my wife). I guess part of me thinks I might be able to find happiness if I was someone else -- with a more simple existence -- off of all of the anti-depressants and removed from this life.

    I am not complaining about my circumstances. I realize full well I am far more fortunate than most. I am just pouring this stuff out. Thanks again.

    PLEASE NOTE: I don't care to hear responses about how much my family would miss me, how selfish I would be, how I would be a murderer, etc. I have felt this way for a long time and I have heard all of the boilerplate suicide responses -- none of which hold any water for me. I am most interested in responses from people who can identify with where I am at, and what resources have proven the most helpful to them.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 1, 2010
  2. stig

    stig Well-Known Member

    firstly hello and welcome to the forum. i have tried what you suggested, jumping on the bike and riding away. it doesn't work. what is in your head goes with you. all you do is ride away from any support that you may have. a change helps. change things in your life that are causing you grief. get some help. i take 5htp to try and keep me on an even keel.
  3. dreams4life

    dreams4life Well-Known Member

    Thank you for opening up. I can completely understand how you feel. I had such feelings too where I would "grade" myself by looking at what others thought about me. If my performance was poor, it would be worse the next time I try the same act. I feel that they are trying to find all my weakness. This would make me very anxious. It was very bad at one point in my life. But now I overcame much of those feelings by faith.

    But the battle is still there and I am determined to fight till the end. I won't give up.

    I am not a big fan of medications.
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