Thanks for taking a look at this attempt of me trying to articulate where my head is at. I think that in my former vocation, I became addicted to (and reliant upon) other's opinions of me. Essentially, I believe I ended up in this position: PERFORMANCE + OTHERS' OPINIONS = SELF WORTH. I want to move my self worth away from my performance (which in post-graduate school has been quite marginal) and others' opinions, but I am not getting there. I think I need to become better resourced. My faith has helped and is the only reason I have not already topped myself. Working out more has also helped. Nevertheless, I do not feel that I have taken any real, substantive steps forward. I am tired of being this way. I feel nothing, I want nothing, I am nothing . . . all the while I am plagued by anxiety (explain that). The last time I discussed these feelings with my wife she could not identify with me at all. She recommended that I see the doctor. I did, and he increased my meds and gave me an additional one that caused me to gain 15lbs in 2 weeks ( . . . yeah, that helped *snide tone*). Apart from killing myself, I think about disappearing. Jumping on my motorbike and leaving my life behind me . . . my wife, my family, my relationships, my identity, and my savings (for my wife). I guess part of me thinks I might be able to find happiness if I was someone else -- with a more simple existence -- off of all of the anti-depressants and removed from this life. I am not complaining about my circumstances. I realize full well I am far more fortunate than most. I am just pouring this stuff out. Thanks again. PLEASE NOTE: I don't care to hear responses about how much my family would miss me, how selfish I would be, how I would be a murderer, etc. I have felt this way for a long time and I have heard all of the boilerplate suicide responses -- none of which hold any water for me. I am most interested in responses from people who can identify with where I am at, and what resources have proven the most helpful to them.