I don't know why I'm having such a hard time coping this morning but I am. I'm so fed up with living. Nothing is worth this much pain. I fight back the tears that so desperately want to fall from my eyes because I am in a library. I am suppose to be educating myself but, instead, I sit and sulk at the computers. I feel so lost now. I've left everyone that has been dear to me. The ones I wanted to wait on me while I improved myself have left me as well, though I can't really blame them. I pray out to God every day to take this pain away. Either end my life or help me fix something. When I do this, I hope God will understand and forgive me; I know He'll view me as a sick person--one of the ill. I've gotten everything planned out perfectly. I don't mind that they'll clearly know it was suicide. I've tried to tell them for a long time that the desire for death won't go away. Medication doesn't help me. Counseling session after counseling session doesn't help me. Turning my entire life upside down in order to solve all of my problem DID NOT HELP ME! Any time I meet someone, I feel like they know my deepest secrets now. I don't have any hidden bits of me. I don't have any privacy. I don't have the ability to be my own person now. I rely on others to make all of my plans and then I follow routine until someone steps in and forces me to change. Nobody knows I still self-injure. Nobody knows I still journal about self-hatred when I sign onto one of the public computers. Nobody knows I hate myself more than ever and I honestly don't have a single thing to live for now. My life is completely meaningless. I'm giving up for good this time. I want to die painfully. I want to feel all of the pain I've caused others and suffer as I go. I want to be scared, cold, and alone as I always have been. It was just an illusion that someone would even somewhat care about me. I can't take any more. I can't hold it in any longer. I can't fight this any more. Suicide was my destiny. I was born to die. I am so sorry for rambling like this. Please ignore me like everyone always does, everywhere I go. I just wanted to get it out.