permanent solution to a permanent problem

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by suzi, Jul 3, 2016.

  1. suzi

    suzi Well-Known Member

    I'm new on SF. I'm 49 years old, and I don't recall ever feeling okay. I was an extremely anxious child. I was an anorexic teenager. Now, I think about suicide daily. I've never been able to hold down a job. I have NOTHING to offer the world. People don't like to have me around. I get on their nerves or make them angry. I'm odd. I am perhaps programmed for self destruction. I do not want to be here. I don't want anything. I'm afraid God hates me.
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi @suzi Welcome to SF. Glad you found us here. Are you in therapy/on medication? Sorry you have had such a tough life. You didn't deserve that at all. Think about what you can do to make your future that bit brighter, you can get through this :)
     
  3. suzi

    suzi Well-Known Member

    I did not have a tough life. I have been in therapy and on medication since I was 14 yrs old. I am fairly certain I got better than I deserved when you consider that the wages of sin is death (eternal death/hell). I don't want a bright future. And "you can get through this ?" Like I said, it's always been this way. This is not something new. This is my whole life. And I do not want it. I'm ready to go, and I desperately want God to take me. Please don't send me cute smiley faces.
     
  4. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hi Suzi, welcome to the forum. Is there anything we can do for you? Petal was just trying to greet you and make you feel welcome. Take care
    Brian
     
    Petal likes this.
  5. suzi

    suzi Well-Known Member

    Nice quote. "Petal" sounded like a cheerleader. I was angry with her. I'll get over it.
     
  6. suzi

    suzi Well-Known Member

    Sorry, Petal.
     
    Petal and Brian777 like this.
  7. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Okay, no cute smiley faces. First of all, there is nothing at all wrong with being odd. Odd is what makes the world interesting. Just think what a dull place it would be if we were all alike. I would also suggest that you may dislike yourself, but God does not hate you. Although I know what it feels like to want Him to take me. I have prayed for that. Many times. But I guess there are other plans for both of us. I also think everyone has something to offer the world. It may not be discovering the cure for cancer, or the cure for all mental illness. Nothing that will make us remembered forever. But we all have something to offer. Just sharing your story here is offering something to all who visit the forum. It makes people feel less alone and more understood.
     
    Joaquim, Petal and Brian777 like this.
  8. suzi

    suzi Well-Known Member

    Brian, I saw "There is nothing more healing than the unconditional love of a dog." I had to put my cat to sleep 10 days ago. He was seven years old. He had a huge mass in his lungs that was probably cancer, and it was untreatable. He was diagnosed 15 days before he died.
     
  9. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I'm really sorry to hear the Suzi, that's heartbreaking. My last dog that I had from a puppy had to be put to sleep when she was 9yrs old. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know the pain you feel Suzi and it's not something that goes away. I eventually got another dog, but it was years later. Again I'm so sorry this happened, I love all animals. Probably cause I get along with them easier than people.
    Brian
     
  10. suzi

    suzi Well-Known Member

    And, nope, SillyOldBear, I have absolutely nothing to offer. I am garbage.
     
  11. suzi

    suzi Well-Known Member

    And, nope, SillyOldBear, I have absolutely nothing to offer. I am garbage.
     
  12. suzi

    suzi Well-Known Member

    Romans chapter 9

    Some of us are made for destruction.
     
  13. suzi

    suzi Well-Known Member

    My kitty couldn't breathe anymore. Everything was a huge effort because he had so little lung capacity. After every small effort, he would lie on his side and struggle to breathe. He was so skinny. My baby couldn't breathe. I want him back.
     
  14. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    It's a tough thing to go through Suzi, people like us who love animals understand. I held my German Shepherd as she passed from the injection, it was like a part of me went with her. She gave me so much unconditional love I couldn't imagine being without her. I wish I could bring them both back.
     
  15. suzi

    suzi Well-Known Member

    I always worried about what would happen to my cat if I committed suicide. Now that is not an issue. Did God take my cat so I could commit suicide? Did satan take my cat so I would commit suicide? Did I kill my baby?
     
  16. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I don't believe so Suzi, unfortunately it's how life is. Everything here does eventually die, I'm not sure why, but I know that every struggle I've gone through in life has taught me compassion for others facing similar challenges. I've found life to be a struggle for the most part, but maybe it's to teach me what I need to learn, I honestly don't know the reason. I just try to keep going and support whoever I can along the path. I know the pain you feel from losing your friend, but only because I've felt that same pain.
     
  17. suzi

    suzi Well-Known Member

    So, LONG before the cat died, I did not want to be alive. I just don't recall ever wanting much, really. And I can't really say I want to end some pain. I don't generally feel this pain everyone talks about when they say they want to commit suicide. I don't want to be here. Do others experience this? Daily suicidal ideation, but not wanting to escape some temporary pain? What pain? Where is my pain? I am a void.

    There will be no suicidal gestures, or self harm. I live downtown where there are 20 story buildings.
     
  18. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Suzi, that question I can't answer, my thoughts of suicide were to escape the mental pain of depression. I've seen some people here post of feeling totally "numb" so there are others that feel this way. But I've never experienced it. You could make another thread post dealing with this and see what responses you get. There's some good people here Suzi, we basically are all suffering in some way and we try and support each other. I find that knowing I'm not alone is one of the biggest benefits of the forum. Right now you're grieving a terrible loss, but I hope you decide to stay around and get to know the people here. You can also speak to others privately using the pm function on the site if you're more comfortable.
     
  19. DNR777

    DNR777 New Member

    Hi,
    I hear you and believe what you say. You have one advantage over me - you believe in God. I would start there if I were you. If you have faith in that, there is always hope. Unfortunately, I am an atheist, so that option is closed t o me.
     
    lightning05 likes this.
  20. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I agree with @DNR777 . Do you belong to a church? Maybe you can speak to someone there and they can give you some advice or just be a good ear for you. They also might be able to give you resources.