Permanent solution to a permanent problem

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by fish.bulb, Apr 20, 2012.

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  1. fish.bulb

    fish.bulb Member

    I have been suicidal off and on for 15 years. I was a boring kid who did nothing but study. I spent thousands of dollars on therapy, and over 30 different psychiatric meds: you name it, it did nothing. I have been in extreme physical pain since age 12, and no drugs help with that either.

    I have a shitty GPA in a useless major, and the only job I've held in the past few years has been seeing incompetent doctors. I never had any real friends, never gone one dates, never had a birthday party - my emotional growth is stunted. I've only ever had acquaintances who probably wouldn't remember anymore since I never really did the facebook thing. My social anxiety is so crippling that asking for change at the supermarket nearly gives me a heart attack, so I don't see how I can hold down a job.

    I have a paralyzing procrastination, and I'm fidgety. I make up for it with an extreme form of hypervigilence in social situations, which takes all the enjoyment out of it. I really picked the wrong profession; helping others is the only thing that helped me get up in the morning, even when times were supposedly good. But I screwed it all up too bad to fix it. Maybe I need to be on ritalin instead of sedating anxiety meds. Maybe it will be enough for me to hold down a job and escape my family. I will never be happy it seems, but my life will be marginally less miserable.

    If all this fails, and I expect it will since nothing has ever worked, I will buy <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> I stupidly had to sell. My five year ban (for being in an institution ends next month). I'd rather dead than being committed to a prison like that again.

    I am petrified of being judged, so I am not sure I will have the courage to look at the replies to this post, so I apologize is advance for the rambling and ignoring.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 20, 2012
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Honey, so sorry to hear your pain - I do hear it. Thanks for writing it down, it always helps to get it out........... Hoping that you do visit your thread again, and it will be nice to make your acquaintance and to talk about your feelings and try to bat 'encouragement' back and forth until you're feeling stronger.

    Blessings and strength and all good wishes to you
  3. pppqp

    pppqp Well-Known Member

    hey there hun. i don't frequently advise this kind of treatment for mental illnesses but for me it's the last resort. have you ever practiced mindfulness? briefly speaking, it's about your observing every movement in your mind without judgements. if you're patient, soon enough you'll gradually see how your mind works; how sadness is formed; the true reasons behind every action you take; and finally you will come to terms with yourself through accumulating self-understanding. you'll be equipped with inner strength and will automatically see how to solve each problem both internal and external.

    read 'the power of now' or google 'mindfulness' if you are at least interested. give it a try, hun. and feel free to pm me anytime

  4. fish.bulb

    fish.bulb Member

    I'm sorry about speaking about un-allowed subjects in my previous post and I do appreciate the good vibes and kind thoughts/advice from this community, I am not sure exactly what I was expecting here, maybe I just wanted to write my thoughts down because the nergative thoughts have been ingrained in my head for decades.

    I have always been a coward, since preschool. But I had this drive because of a delusional optimism and I came close to righting the ship (some docs say I was just hypomanic). I was never happy but I came so close to being a contender, instead of a bum, which is what I am now. I've regressed, my social anxiety is so great that I can't even finish watching movies because of the awkward moments. How can I handle things like that in real life, much less explaining these problems to a doc.

    Maybe if I didn't rock back and forth like some kind of autistic kid, or compulsively fantasize about what could have been if I wasn't such a cowardly screw-up instead of concentrating on the tasks in front of me. Or if I wasn't permanently groggy or in excruciating physical pain, I could accomplish something. Who knows what can trigger another productive manic episode: an actual friend I could confide in, someone to love me, a job that I could handle for more than a few weeks, a shrink who actually listens to my problems instead of giving me formulaic advice out of a textbook, the right psychiatric or pain meds. Of course the reason I am in this mess is because of a quarter century of bad luck, which hash probably caused some kind of negative placebo effect.

    I know the usual platitudes for people like us, and I think it is applicable for a lot of people on this board. But I am not some teenager, and I spent my entire adult life putting my faith in dozens of doctors and their experimentation and all I got in return was a failed academic/professional career and bankruptcy. I should be gone already, but I am too scared, which is a defining feature of my life. So I should be dead by now. But I'm gonna find another shrink to give it one last shot - maybe a miracle occurs.

    I know notes are against the rules, but that won't be for a while anyway. But if any of you are planning on catching the last bus, I have been in that same mindset for a decade. I may be able to help.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello there, welcome to the forums. I really feel for you, maybe that's not what you want to hear but I can't help it. I've felt in that position for years and once I took a massive overdose and ended up in intensive care, please believe me when I say things can really get better, I know it may not feel like that now but they can. Just wondering why do you think ritalin would be better than anti anxiety medication when your main problem seems to be severe anxiety?
  6. fish.bulb

    fish.bulb Member

    Well I tried all anti-anxiety meds (SSRIs like paxil, most benzos, beta-blockers, straterra, buspirone, etc). No help, and some of them cause heavy drowsiness. I've had daytime sleepiness even ever since I was a kid, and when you add the benzos to my pain meds, I am a non-functioning zombie; and the anxiety is still there.

    If I look at the online quizzes for adult adhd, I seem to fit most of the criteria, at least for the inattentive version of it. In public, I'm obsessed with not looking like a weirdo. It takes so much energy trying to sit still and focus on what the teacher is saying without drifting off. The procrastination is so paralyzing and irrational it makes me hate myself. I often walk into a room, or log on to a website, and completely forget what made me go there in the first place. I try to write to-do lists but for some reason I can't follow them, though that's partially because I routinely misplace the list.

    So is the reason I am so stressed because of anxiety regarding social interaction? Or is it the fact that instead of enjoying human company I expend so much energy on attempting to 'act' normal that social interactions becomes just another form of thankless work?

    I've tried so many meds that I am hoping one I haven't tried will be my savior. Maybe its OCD not ADD, but Luvox for example didn't curb my obsessions at all: I compulsively listen to the exact same song on repeat hundreds of times for days on end (the only way to get rid of it is to replace it with another song), when sitting in the waiting room, I fantasize about heroically saving the fellow patients from crazed junkies (as if I would ever have that kind of courage). Usually I replay prior conversations in my head, wishing I had something clever instead of giving an awkward smile and staring at my shoes.

    Nothing has worked, so I want to try something I have never done before. Maybe this sounds like drug-seeking behavior, and I guess it is, but what do I have to lose at this point?
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