I have been suicidal off and on for 15 years. I was a boring kid who did nothing but study. I spent thousands of dollars on therapy, and over 30 different psychiatric meds: you name it, it did nothing. I have been in extreme physical pain since age 12, and no drugs help with that either. I have a shitty GPA in a useless major, and the only job I've held in the past few years has been seeing incompetent doctors. I never had any real friends, never gone one dates, never had a birthday party - my emotional growth is stunted. I've only ever had acquaintances who probably wouldn't remember anymore since I never really did the facebook thing. My social anxiety is so crippling that asking for change at the supermarket nearly gives me a heart attack, so I don't see how I can hold down a job. I have a paralyzing procrastination, and I'm fidgety. I make up for it with an extreme form of hypervigilence in social situations, which takes all the enjoyment out of it. I really picked the wrong profession; helping others is the only thing that helped me get up in the morning, even when times were supposedly good. But I screwed it all up too bad to fix it. Maybe I need to be on ritalin instead of sedating anxiety meds. Maybe it will be enough for me to hold down a job and escape my family. I will never be happy it seems, but my life will be marginally less miserable. If all this fails, and I expect it will since nothing has ever worked, I will buy <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> I stupidly had to sell. My five year ban (for being in an institution ends next month). I'd rather dead than being committed to a prison like that again. I am petrified of being judged, so I am not sure I will have the courage to look at the replies to this post, so I apologize is advance for the rambling and ignoring.