Perpare yourself, for 2,121 words of depressive ranting

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Matt93, Dec 12, 2010.

  1. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    What is the fucking point to even trying with this any more?! I must just move on. I think that’s the best thing I can do to be quite honest. It’s becoming more so evident that I’m not the one you’d rather have as your significant other. That is fair enough, but why do you insist on telling me you “love” me? You want someone else to be in your future, you tell me this in the most blatant way, and leave me wondering, “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!”

    Yes, I don’t actually believe what is going on right now, or even why I’m doing what I’m doing. I actually truly love you; that is certain in my mind. Yet, you want you’re ex back, and not want me and I’m even giving you advice and trying to help you get him back. Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!

    I should be sat here telling you he’s not worth the time, in acts of pain and jealousy. Although I’m hurting severely at this news, I still want to help you. Oh isn’t love just one huge fucking bitch. What the hell is the point right now? I don’t see a point to this, I don’t see a point to trying to help you, but I am. And you know what, it’s because I love you and I don’t care how much it hurts me or anything, I’ll help you, if it makes you happy. But, if you fuck it up again, I’m gone. Because I’m sick, seriously sick of hurting to incredible amounts due to how much I actually love you. All I want is for you to be happy, so if by me hurting, helping you get the guy you really want makes you happy, then so be it. But I don’t think that I can cope with having to keep doing that, if you keep messing it up.

    I know, I know, we’re only human, of course we’re going to make mistakes, and nobody’s perfect, but that’s the story of my life. I’m not perfect, but I try to be the best that I can be, for you, and you alone. I try to keep going, for you, and you alone. I try so hard, because if I don’t, I’m scared of what would happen to you. But currently, the way my depressed motherfucker of a mind sees it, you wouldn’t even fucking flinch. Now that is probably contradictory to reality because I know that it’s probably my depression speaking and not just me.

    But right now I’m just filled with thoughts like, “What’s the point? Why am I trying to be the best I can be when nothing’s going to work? Why don’t I just give up now, and save myself the trouble and pain of living a shit life, like I was going to in any way?” Plus, due to me writing this part of this little rant at… 2:37 am, I am very paranoid, very anxious, not really all that tired, I’m jumping at every little creak. Hearing a creak from my parent’s room and I jump, hearing a little creak in the pipes I jump. I’m so fucked up.

    I can easily see why you want Connor back and not to be with me. I’m just too much to handle for everyone. It’s why I lost my last “partner”, because I was just too much to fucking deal with. That’s all I am, I’m just one BIG fucking burden on peoples shoulders, I’m just dead weight, extra baggage, I’m not needed, I’m not wanted, I might be cared about, but seriously, not by the ONE person I want to be cared about. Not by the person whom I love dearly, and will always love. I won’t ever love another person, but she wants to be with her ex and here’s me bowing down and accepting defeat, because I can’t have the one thing that I want the most in my life.

    I wish that I could keep trying, I wish that I could have the one I want, and I wish that I wasn’t quite so fucking fucked up. I wish I could be normal, and have a normal relationship and lead a normal life. I wish that someday I could be married, to Courtney, the one girl in my life that I will love, forever and always. I wish that someday I could raise my own family, and nurture them well, and raise them so that they know the world isn’t some fairy tale place like we were all taught as kids. That kind of “brain-washing” was wrong. I grew up thinking that this world was this amazing place, where people got along and nothing bad ever happened. Then I went to Primary School. I became the class victim; bullied day in, day out almost relentlessly, all for being, smarter than they and being fat. But, yeah who cares, they’re the ones who had the problems. Oh no, hold on, I am now. Thank you, you fucking dick heads. For giving me all these problems, thank you for making my life hell then, directly. And thank you for making my life hell now, indirectly. Bastards.

    It’s now 2:48 am according to my clock. I should sleep but I can’t everything is just going overdrive in my head. I don’t know what to do any more. I’m thinking just all too quickly, and it’s stressing me out. I wish that I could do something to take my mind off of all this, but I really can’t and it feels quite literally awful. It’s so depressing, it’s so stressful, it is just fucking awful.

    Now, onto a point that always stresses me. This world we live in, sometimes it can be beautiful, but that’s due to what we were given by the random event known as the “Big Bang”. I don’t believe in god, or any kind of religion. I don’t hate it, I don’t have anything against those who choose to follow a religion, in fact, I actually admire what religion does, it gives those who seek religion hope. Though I personally could never follow a religion, due to it being a total load of horse shit. But, this is coming from a physicist and mathematician at heart. But that’s not my point, my point is, people judge people, just by face value. If you seem like you’re stupid, ugly and stuff like that people will leave you alone, because they’re too stupid themselves to get to know someone. I even do it. I take one look at someone and think, urgh no, I’m not getting involved with them. But doing it disgusts me. If you can’t be bothered to get to know someone, to see if they’re a nice person and all that jazz, then people shouldn’t bother with you. Yes, I do believe that people shouldn’t bother with me, it’d be better for them. I don’t want more friends, for them only to find out that I’m a dick, and a depressive one at that. That’s just asking too much of a person.

    But earlier this week, in fact, I think Friday, I was sat, alone in the college refectory, and two girls were down the hall from me, and I have one of them as a facebook friend, but she doesn’t know me, nor will she want to know me. They kept looking at me, and then talking, and just kept looking at me and I knew they were bitching about me, talking some kind of shit or something. I somewhat imagine this was due to me posting a couple sets of song lyrics on my facebook, my lyrics I should add too. I knew they were probably talking about how shite they were or something, or how they were depressing and all that, I just had a feeling. A feeling I know to be true, because come on, it’s obvious someone’s bitching about you when they keep looking at you and then talking again. I actually feel that it’s rather sad and pathetic, but that’s what you get with life. Sad and pathetic people. I fall into the pathetic category, because I’m too afraid to stand up and say to Courtney, “No. I want you, more than anyone else ever could. I want to be the one with you, and not you be with someone else, I’d rather die than live alone without you.” But you see, I’m so afraid to say that, because I know that I would rather die than live alone without her, however I know that she wants Connor, so it’s pointless saying anything otherwise. I do genuinely feel like shit. I do genuinely just want to die. After all that has happened today, I still find myself incapable of being happy.

    Yes, today’s been pretty good actually. I used to get depressed over how much I miss hanging with my old skating buddies, and I used to miss talking to them, SO much. I just missed them dearly. Then a miracle happened, one started thanking me on Formspring for sticking up for a girl called Amelia. Then, because I talk to Amelia on msn, she told Jake, which is this guy who started to talk to me on Formspring, how I truly felt without them, how I was so lost and depressed without them and he re-added me on Facebook and it seems like things might blossom back into our old friendship, which would be so amazing, it really would. Just to be friends with them again, just to be able to see them on a daily basis, just to see them again, it’d make me feel just amazing. They were the best friends that I had ever had.

    Wow, it’s now 3:06 am. I really should sleep, yet I’m so incapable of it. I still don’t feel tired, I feel perfectly awake. Though I know if I shut my eyes I probably will fall asleep, I guess now, I just don’t want to. Now I’m at 1,681 words. Jesus, this is probably the most I’ve ever written in like half an hour, I wish that I could write this fast for my Extended Project at college, I’d be done in like 3 or 4 hours.

    You know those days where you literally wish that you could turn back the clock a few years? This is one of them. I want to be 14 again, and start again, figure out where I was going wrong and fix it, because knowing all the things that I do now, there’s just so much that I could do to fix my life. Sadly I cannot turn back the clock a few years and so, I must soldier on through all this hatred, depression, mania, and just plain suicidal feelings.

    But, again I go back to my rant on the things I do for Courtney. Why can’t she just understand how much she means to me? She’s the only person whom I’ve ever loved, and the only person who I will ever love. That, I can be sure of. But still, I try to help her ascertain what would make her happy, even though every second I spend doing so kills me. She means so much to me, I just couldn’t go on knowing she isn’t happy, so if that makes her happy, to have Connor, then so be it. I’m happy to die inside, for her happiness. At 3:14 am I stop writing the rest of this, and leave it, so far at 1,934 words.

    Continuation at 9:58 am

    Hold on, what the fuck am I talking about? I am NOT happy to die inside for her happiness, but I am willing to die inside for her happiness. So tragic, that for another’s happiness to become real, another must die metaphorically. I couldn’t cope in a life without Courtney, I’d like to tell myself that I’ll be able to love again, but I honestly don’t think that’s possible. I’ve looked at all my past relationships and realised that in them all, I’d told them “I loved them” but that’s so generic, find me a relationship where you don’t tell each other you love them. I got caught in the trap. Love, in word form, effectively means nothing.

    But I can tell you, that I do love Courtney, truly. And I would also like to extend my apologies to all my ex-girlfriends, for telling you that I loved you, when the fact was, I didn’t. I am sorry. Courtney’s all I want, what’s there to want now? When I can’t have what I want at all? I’ve nothing I truly want any more.
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Okay, well I thought I'd just let you know that I read what you write in your blog. :)

    I don't have much to say usually on SF, as I am hating life a bunch too. I don't give advice, I don't really know what to say to people who are suffering, etc..

    I'm like.. Fuck it, no one cares!.. a lot. I think that's what I would say right before I attempted suicide.


    I guess all I can say is I hope you feel better? (that's what people on here all say though, so..)

    Good luck and you can talk to me on Skype or anywhere if you want. :)
  3. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    Thank you dude. It means a lot to me just to have people tell me that they hope I get better. I mean it's not directly helpful, but I guess at a sub-concious level it makes me try and get better for other people.
  4. houseofcards

    houseofcards Well-Known Member

    I really wish more people could have replied to you earlier, but I literally woke up an hour or so ago, PLUS it's Sunday, so chances are people are busy and what not... more people will come, at least I hope they will :\ I'll tell you all I can, mostly from what I can relate to. I suck at giving people advice if I can't relate to it.

    I knew a guy named Steve, he's 5 years older than me. I was having really rough times with my boyfriend and he liked me (see, you probably can't see where i'm going with this at all.. nor can I) He liked me, but he still helped me out with trying to win Bryan back.. he went as far as making me promise i'll go to him once my boyfriend completely dumps me. He could have chose to just ruin my relationship with Bryan, but he didn't. I blocked every form of communication with him afterwards.. but I kinda had no choice since he exploded at me afterwards and told me he wanted to do a million nasty things to me and just freaked me out.

    The thing I don't understand is, why does she want to leave her current boyfriend for her ex-boyfriend? You might think you're a "burden" and just dead weight, but if she wanted to be your girlfriend, you must not be as bad as you think you are. Also, i'm wondering, what if you don't help her try winning him back? what if you focus on trying to win her back?

    Blah. I don't know what i'm saying. I guess I just want to try to get you to know that I care if you feel like shit, even if you don't know me. Any post I read, if I know they feel like crap, i'll end up messaging (usually) or responding in a post. Sorry this probably won't help much, but I guess i'm giving my experience of being on the other end, I guess. Feel free to message me or what not, like Deum, i'm on Skype 24/7, as well as MSN. I'm sorry for making little sense.
  5. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    See, she's not with me. That's what makes this a very complicated thing. Again, I thank you for replying, I'm not really sure what I can type, as everything is becoming a complete mess.

    Just personal message me your Skype if you want, I'll add you the moment I log on.