personal hell

[poisonedresistance]

i think im going off my fucking head, loosing my grip on reality all together. Ok so i made a mistake, a stupid fucking mistake that wrecked a lot of lives. I was young and foolish and self fucking absorbed and it doesnt matter what I do i cant take it back, i can never put it fucking right.
see once i realised this i wanted to make it up,, but then found out im not going to be able to have a life, it isnt going to happen, too many walls, too much fucking shit. so i tried to deal with it,fight back and get somewhere,,, that didnt work either.
Now i live everyday feeling like shit for a mistake i made when i was young and stupid.
This is my own personal hell, sometimes,,, there is no world, no other people, just reflections of my fucking mistakes. Put there to torment me. i cant make it right, i cant move forward, im stuck in this fucking nightmere.
see im stuck, cuz if this is fucking real i cant end it, i couldnt do that to the kids,, see thats the only reason, i wouldnt want them living with that, ive caused enugh fucking shit.
But then again, if this IS my own personal hell it wouldnt fucking matter,, cuz they arnt fucking real,,, and its just gunna start all over agan.
so if it doesnt matter,,doesnt that mean i can do it,,,?
doesnt it mean im talking to myself right now and getting personal reflections back,,,
so if i did it,,, it wouldnt matter as i couldnt hurt anyone, only me and perhaps this shit would end

 

[Syn]

I don't know your exact situation, but I've done some pretty stupid shit that fucked up a lot of lives too and I know it's not easy to bear. I can also relate to feeling like your losing your grip on reality, it's not fun. If you end it, that would just be more people hurt, and if it were your own personal hell you'd probably just come back here again after you died, which means . We all make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes can't be taken back. We can however always learn from our mistakes and grow, otherwise life would be truly pointless. If it's in the past, it's in the past right? There's nothing you can do to change what happened, even as much as we really want to change things sometimes. I know it's easier said than done but we can't live in the past.

I'm curious as to what you mean by your not going to be able to have a life though? If you don't want to say, I'll respect that. I just hope whatever happened, you can learn to cope with it. I'd ask what you did, but I'm not sure if you'd be at all comfortable sharing that one.

 

[poisonedresistance]

Hiya Syn, thankyou for replying, it was very heart felt and I totally understand. Your right it is in the past, and believe me ive tried to move on, but somethings follow you and always will. I did a silly thing,, out of love or so i thought. My partner/husband made a stupid mistake and had an affair with his 14 year old cousin. When I found out he tried to break it off with her but she went running to the police saying he had raped her. I had found love letters to and from her from months previously so i knew this wasnt too but in my stupid fit of rage id destroyed them, so when the cops came there was no evidence. he would have got 14 years had i not said i had known. but then i became an accessory and was charged with inciting the behavior, i got a year in prison.
so my own kids went to my mums,, my eldest son had a nervous break down, but he got better with my mums help who has been through it before and knew how to help him. The restrictions on me now have stopped me from getting work, in 5 years its been impossible so i tried running my own buisness,, but the economy just wont support it at the moment.
this has stopped me getting somewhere to live in my name, leaving at the mercy of those around me, not enough money for food and rent so im in the process of loosing another place and running out of people who can help.
there is no help out there for people like me. people dont want to know. so i fight to get through yet another day of this shit,, wading through more crap and abiding by restrictions, getting laughed at regarding work, shunned by everyone who knew me.
all this shit took place in 2005, the date i first came here,, 7 years on and its been a fight every single day. No prospects, nothing to look forward to. cant even go on college courses to get sorted unless i lie,, then they find out anyway so whats the point,, cuz i tried. when i did finally get a qualification i was then told that i couldnt get insurance to work. so imwaiting to be out on the streets prity much,, thats the day,,, when it comes,, not if,, when. that will be the end of it. im tired of fighting. id rather live in the world ive built in my own fucking head, at least it allows me to smile once in a while.
so i 'work' in my own way, i hate every fucking second of every single day,, and currently it costs more than it makes so not even good at trying to fuck the system.
sorry if ive bummed you out,,, you kinda asked though x