I'm not quite sure where to go with this train of thought, so forgive me first if it's rather back and forth. The crux of it though, is I hate being an introvert. Or at least it might be more accurate to say I hate living life as an introvert, I'm really not sure if I am. I mean I enjoy solitary pastimes, but more often than not they lead me in to a spiral of isolation and negative thought, where actually going out and interacting with people energizes me... at least until the self-doubt kicks in. It's hard, I'm good with words, but they don't seem to exist for how I feel. Sometimes I feel like it's attention seeking, though it's not really acclaim or anything that makes me feel better, it's just time. Someone spends the time to talk to me, I open up... I've got few barriers really, beyond the big shadowy castle walls of my enforced introvercy. I mean sometimes it doesn't work, but that bit is life. I think I need to explain a bit more, this particular track my thoughts have been going down started yesterday, when being stuck on a bus ride full of extroverted people. Which sounds weird as I say it, but it's just how it happened to be. Strangers just starting to talk to each other... I just don't get how people do that. I mean, I get the theory, I overheard the conversations, it just perplexes me. Maybe it's just lack of social skills. I'm not good at asking questions or keeping a conversation going... and I can be pretty hard work to deal with too. But it only seems to last that way while I am thinking about it. Maybe there lies the desire I've had to drink more lately, less thought seems to mean more happiness. And that's a dangerous path... I don't have an addictive personality, but thoughts like that have to be carefully managed, so I don't get to the point where I don't have a choice in the matter. In general though, I feel like I am falling apart. My life is poor, but at least it's kind of steady right now. I'm just sick of the loneliness, and sick of being unable to do anything about it. It kind of feels like this comic. I shouldn't be helpless in this situation, but I am. It should be as easy as going out there, talking to people... but it isn't. All the 'advice' under the sun isn't going to change that, when so many people can be oblivious to the feelings of others that way... I think that's more a general thought about some of the sort of comments I've read recently, ignore me, I'm not being too coherent here. Fuck, I'm not even sure where I was going with this now. Just lamenting the past. I've messed up so many friendships, so many relationships, by being me... and now for a cycle of self-pity, so I'm going to shut up for now before I say anything worse.