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Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Fern17, Jan 29, 2009.

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  1. Fern17

    Fern17 Well-Known Member

    I can't say how many times I've come onto this forum in order to vent a little, but I end up reading posts written by other people and somehow I lose the inclination to write. I'm not sure if it's because I see other people hurting and so it's slightly easier to put my own shit on the back burner, or if it is simply a matter of distraction.

    I just know that I'm feeling utterly flat--and have been feeling that way for over 3 months. Some days are better than others. And for the most part, I've been able to stay somewhat connected to my son and to myself, unlike times in the past when I feel more like I've been cut loose and I'm floating around, utterly disconnected from the world around me...even from my own soul.

    And yet I am still lost and crave to find my way. I'm trying new meds, but since starting them, I've had more and more rage and suicidal thoughts. I'm surprised I haven't broken my hand from the number of times I have punched the walls. (That is certainly not something I'm proud of.) I'm currently working up the nerve to tell my pdoc when I see her today.

    Ultimately, I don't think I have any questions; I don't need advice. I simply want to say that I think this forum is helping me. And when I read about people in so much pain and misery, it helps give me perspective. I don't want anyone here to kill themselves, so why would it be ok for me to do it?

    Thank you everyone.

  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Fern,
    I can appreciate how you feel. Everyone thinks I am strong because I come on here all positive and trying to help others. But in reality I am suffering just as much as them. I find this forum to be very theraputic for me. I wish you luck with your doctor. Be honest with her/him. Take care!!~Joseph~
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Just to let you know I have read your post and that I am so pleased that you are finding benefit and support here...continued caring, J
  4. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Hi Fern,

    You're right, no matter how bad we're feeling it's always easier to get lost in someone elses troubles, kinda takes the focus off ourselves & yeah it's a distraction. Please remember that you too are here for a reason & we want to help you through the difficult times :hug:.

    Hopefully you have found the courage to tell the pdoc about the meds, perhaps you just need a reduction in the dose or changing them so you don't get all the side effects.

    Take care, Claire xx
  5. Fern17

    Fern17 Well-Known Member

    Thank you, all of you.

    I just got back from my pdoc and I was HONEST with her (once I was there, in front of her, I knew I really had to be, if I had any hope of moving forward).

    She sent me straight away for blood tests because I'm on new meds and she's concerned I might have too much or not enough of something. Anyway, I used to not like her so much, but the past couple months, I feel like she and I are on the same page...finally! :)

    I have my friend's dog and puppy with me today and I'm just really loving having this puppy cuddling up with me. She's curled up with me as I type this.

    I'm going to go make a pot of tea, for a friend is on her way over for a visit. I'm glad to be home. I hate the anxiety when I leave the house. But I do know that....this, too, shall pass......
  6. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Hiya Hon,

    Glad to hear you were honest with your pdoc, it must be a huge relief to know that you are both working together now, rather than against each other.

    Your post sounds a lot brighter too, must be all the cuddles from the puppy :dog:
  7. Fern17

    Fern17 Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much, Claire. I do feel somewhat better. My pdoc phoned me this afternoon to tell me my blood work came back all fine. We're upping more of my meds...it's a waiting game. If I can make it through tomorrow, I will manage ok. (I have to go to the city and go to a couple of stores and I'm bringing my son to a movie and then his dad's.)

    Thank you!!!

    P.S. I get to keep the puppy until tomorrow! Yay!!
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