Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rind, Oct 10, 2010.

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  1. Rind

    Rind New Member

    I've hated my life for as long as I can remember. I didn't have a childhood. I didn't have a real family. I didn't have friends until I was much older, and I had no memories, interests, or even a personality until less than 10 years ago, around the time I entered middle school. I can scarcely remember anything before that, probably because there was nothing. Because I was nothing. I've never experienced youth or innocence. I had both ripped out at a young age. I have never dated. I have never worked. I have never done anything except attempt to escape from everything around me, simply because I can't handle it. My art is the only thing that keeps me alive, and even that is losing its energy. As a pedophile, I can't expect anyone to sympathize with any of my pain, or understand it in any way. I can't expect people to reason with me, and I don't ever hold delusional hopes that I'll someday be happy. Because I won't. And I don't want to. Any happiness I could hope for would be wrong, and although I am a monster, I am not a monster, if you know what I mean.

    Inherently, I am wrong. Simply by being who I was born as, I am committing a crime. I am a walking aberration - a thing that should never have been born. I am a defective being, and there is literally no place in this world for me. And this is especially important - listen to this - because a lot of you who say you don't belong in this world don't know what the hell you're talking about. You ever tried being something that is unanimously hated by every single person on the globe, regardless of their religion, political stance, or moral code? You ever try being something so unthinkably horrible that it can't even be mentioned in every day conversation? Imagine being 14 and realizing what you are, that your life will never be like anyone else's, and that, even though you didn't do anything wrong, you are a black mark upon humanity. ...STOP with your "I don't belong, no one understands me" talk - you have NO idea. Okay?

    A being like me serves no purpose whatsoever. I've done nothing for anyone my whole life, and I know everyone here thinks they don't deserve to live, but I'm serious when I say I do not deserve to live. I deserved to die when I was a child. I deserve to die now. I wish that my parents would have cut my little throat when I was born. How could anyone in their right mind argue that I should live? What does the world need with me? I hate myself more than anything in the world. I've been miserable for so long that I don't remember what it's like to be happy. I'm not sure I've ever been happy. I've been in love once in my life, and it was when I was 16, and it was with a 9-year-old. Do you still think your life is pitiful?

    ...But I'm getting off topic...


    My point is this: a lot of you deserve to live. MOST of you deserve to live. You're good people, and believe me, I know the difference. The only people that really deserve to die are the mindless fucks who run my country, the mindless fucks who blindly follow them, and... well, sick fucks like me.

    So come on. Look at me, and then tell me if you still want to die.

    Think of it this way - if you die, people like ME will still be around. Does that seem right? Fuck no. If we can still live, then YOU sure as hell should.

    And I'm completely sincere. If I could hug you right now, I would.

    Just live. You'll find something worth living for. Please. I've been friends with people who went through depression, and for all of them, things got better. Things WILL get better for you. I have had to talk a friend out of suicide before, and now he's got a girlfriend, a job, and a LIFE. He doesn't talk to me much anymore, and I don't blame him. I want you to be like HIM. Not like me.

    ...Just don't have too many kids. I'm serious. There's too many people in the world. Stop making more. Or just... make less. Have like, one of them. Will you please do that for me? And for humanity? And for EARTH?


    -the empty rind of a fruit that never was.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I think your thread is a very kind guesture of support and guidance for members here. Thank you for sharing your pain and still trying to help others.

    Your illness is the monster. Not you. So you should also understand that depression acts the same way. I tell people over and over I dont want to die. I need to die. And I've been battling mental health issues for probably more years than a lot of members here have even been alive.

    The easy part is admitting we have mental health issues or illnesses. The hard part is accepting the help (professional & peer) that can change our lives and outlooks or at the very least, help us cope with who we are. The worst part is getting the rest of the world to wake up and realize that we do suffer from illnesses. And usually it's the illness not the person that is in control.

    What sort of professional help have you been receiving? Have you attended any type of support groups? See just like depression or suicide, pedophiles tend to isolate rather than face the daily struggles of life with our illnesses. It's much easier. But then it is also much easier to get lost in them and let them have the upper hand.

    Please try and find some professional help. If the first try doesnt help seek another until you find the right person. Just like any other mental health issue, you can fight it. But it is a long hard journey and need a lot of help and support along the way.

    I hope that you do find the strength to fight your issues. Cuz see I didnt see a monster that posted this thread. I found a person that is hurting just like the rest of us. A person that so badly wants to find some peace. And maybe even a person or two who will just listen.
  3. Cosmos Atom

    Cosmos Atom Member

    Rind I'll make a big assumption here but (assuming) you've never acted on your dark thoughts then there's no reason to hate yourself.

    I too, worry about some of the stuff that goes on in my head but if you can control it then doesn't that make you a stronger person? Think of it as a test. A horrid test that no person should have to endure but you were born with it and how you cope with it is your challenge.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    What you are blaming yourself for sounds like the behavior of a minor, one who was abused and neglected himself...if this is the case, isn't there any recompense for you having been that young? If you are continuing to act in this way, then your assessment, although idiopathic, is understandable...I am working on understanding ppl who abuse children...being the survivor of severe childhood abuse and neglect, I have issues that do not allow me to not be biased...I hope you can forgive yourself and make the amends that are appropriate...J
  5. dontwannabeme

    dontwannabeme Well-Known Member

    Maybe i am very wrong and against the rulez for saying this.
    But you are saying you deserve too die?
    If you really did those things ect you deserve too live!
    death is peace.
    Maybe not for many but for me it is.
    So no i dont feel death should belong too people that do harm too others.
    I rather have them live on this hell some earth.
    And have death for the people who deserve peace.

    As i said maybe its wrong for me too say or not but i dont care.

  6. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hi Rind. I was reading your other posts in the forums, besides this one. I see a profound self-hatred in everything you say. You did not chose to be a pedophile, from what you wrote, so you should not hate yourself. You should hate the disease. I know that you have never acted on your feelings, so you should commend yourself for being strong and discipline. You are not an evil person.
    Life hasn't been kind to you. You may have been traumatized when you were a child, since you have not remembered your childhood, there might be a good reason. All the more reason, you should be cared for and healed. Unfortunately, people have a knee jerk reaction against pedophiles, and that makes it harder to seek treatment. You are not evil. Just you have this problem. No one has a right to judge you. I hope you stay on here and get help. You shouldn't hate yourself, because you are a child of God, and you don't even know how you ended up feeling this way.
    You need healing, and someone to be there for you. You are a good person deep inside, despite what you are feelings are. The fact that you haven't acted on your feelings, proves that.
    I don't see you as evil, just as someone who needs someone to listen to you and to help you.:hugtackles:
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i hope you find yourself some professional help, as the others have suggested. it is not too late. in my opinion you are sounding like a victim but the real victims are those you are attracted to, even if you have not acted on your desires. you have the power to change yourself before this goes any further. sorry to be harsh but my life was ruined by a pedophile. he knew better. he could have received help but he chose to make my life hell instead. i am still paying the price.
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