Phantom Limb Syndrome

Discussion in 'Poet's Corner' started by BelovedDreamer, Aug 14, 2006.

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  1. BelovedDreamer

    BelovedDreamer Well-Known Member

    I can’t stand this anymore
    I had this thought
    I will not come back from my lunch hour
    I will die in this place where so much happened
    In a place I find beautiful
    I do not know when I learned hate
    I do not know when I forgot how to live
    But every part of me aches
    And I want nothing more to do with myself.
    Despite my resolutions
    I am still alive
    And I am still here typing
    Create useless hapless works.
    They do me no good
    They do no one any good.
    I want to sleep.
    To sleep and know no more.
    I am in need of a rest longer than life can grant me.
    I wish I had never started down this road.
    I wish I could rewind
    Drive myself back to that point before
    Before I made choices I would regret
    Before I felt myself irrevocably changed
    Before I lived the moments
    That brought me to this moment.
    There is no blame
    No blame
    Life is what it is.
    If to save my life I have to cut myself off from all of this
    I judge it not worth it.
    I must feel to live
    And if feeling makes it so I cannot bear to live
    Than I must find another way.
    I cannot turn around
    And I cannot go forward
    I am caught in between two moments of being.
    Suspended, my heart beats
    And my body beats in time
    And my mind thrums with it.
    The rhythm is irregular
    There is a pain in my chest
    Crawling up my throat and into my mouth.
    I cannot breathe.
    I cannot think.
    I do not want to do either.
    My limbs are so tired from chasing myself in circles.
    I down a painkiller
    It does me no good
    I can still feel
    And I can’t remember how many I’ve taken
    Or when.
    Things would be easier
    If I could just get my memory back in working order.
    Some quote
    From some book
    That I read once
    “I remember what I would not
    And forget what I should not.”
    I remember a mad woman’s life story
    But forget my doctor’s appointments
    And lose my keys.
    I remember the pain that shook my childhood as if it was yesterday
    But cannot remember
    How many days it has been
    If it was yesterday
    Or tomorrow
    Or Thursday
    That I wounded my body trying to find a moment’s peace.
    I can’t remember how many months
    Since I caused the scarring that runs from thumb
    Nearly to elbow.
    I can’t remember what I’ve done
    Or the order I’ve done it in.
    The aspirin kicks in a little
    The sharpness gains some dullness.
    Funny how it is
    That the pains
    From a weekend spent fixing up my home
    Bruises like odd grey roses on my skin
    Do not prompt this painkiller love affair.
    They make me want to curl in ragged bundle and sleep
    Or crawl into a hot tub and stair contemplatively at the ceiling
    But the thing that stops me
    is the same as that which makes me swallow
    tongue heavy in my mouth.
    I have phantom limb syndrome of the brain.
    When I think, it is dangerous
    And my sleep is fitful
    And haunted.
    I cannot do this much longer.
    Lack of sleep
    And lack of faith
    Are catching up with me.
    Something is missing
    And it is killing me.
  2. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Dearly Beloved;

    Beautiful! Stunning!! Exquisite!!! Damn, you're good!!!!!:smile:

    love and admiration and awe,

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