Physical and emotional agony.

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by feathers, Feb 23, 2011.

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  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I am having such a life changing moment. I am in torture right now, physical and emotional. Physical because I let my two friends tie me up and cut the hell out of me. Emotional because I've come to the end of an absolutely insane phase of doing shit like this, and I am finding it literally impossible to contemplate that I ever wanted that in the first place.

    The physical agony isn't from the cuts, per se. I mean, yeah, they hurt, obviously, that was the point... But at the time it was a good hurt, I loved the hurt. But now, the phase is over. I made the decision to THROW OUT ALL OF MY BLADES. To never self harm again.

    I started cutting in October 2009 and did so for a few weeks.
    I started cutting again in August 2010 and have been doing so since.

    Now I have decided, never again. This complete change of attitude has caused a complete change in the way my brain perceives the pain. It's not a good hurt anymore. It's a bad hurt. Bad like I've just literally been tied down and cut up like someone who isn't getting a kick out of it whatsoever. Then it was made worse by the fact I have just tried to clean out the cuts. They are stinging like hell.

    How does this happen? It's so difficult emotionally, so mind-blowing, to go from someone who likes and wants something one minute, unable to give it up, and then can't stand it the next and is vowing never to take a sharp object to her skin again.

    How do I cope with these massive changes? It's like my brain, my personality, entirely reprogrammes itself whenever it gets bored of the present programming state.

    But anyway, yes. My point is, I am vowing to never self-harm again.

    (I've done good, I've already stopped smoking this week too. Wonder what other shit my brain wants to go from one extreme to the other on before half term is out?)

    Kaz x
  2. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    That's a really positive step. :hug:
  3. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Thanks :).
  4. Blondegirl

    Blondegirl Active Member

    Wish I could be like you :)
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