Physical or emotional

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Scully, Dec 3, 2009.

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  1. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    I've been with a partner for 8 years. The las time we made love, about a year ago, it was terrible to me. Not that he was evil, but I didn't feel, he felt it etc... I just don't want to be touched. So he says he doesn't love me the same. He says he prefers to masturbate than use me. But I think it comes from here. We're not a very physical couple, more firends and intellectual, but here there's a problem.

    I think it comes from my rape when I was 20 and the abuses of my legal father.

    I wonder if it's physical, or if I don't want to get really attached to someone.

    I don't know how to talk to him. He's as shut as me. And it's something extremely painful. Even in therapy I can't.

    Physical emotional both? Other?
  2. bubblin girl

    bubblin girl Well-Known Member

    how are you
    i dont realy wanna take about everything...but some medication make this feeling...ask your dr. about the side effects of them...
    take care
  3. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    yeah, thanks I will. Definitely.
  4. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    Wow I'm so sorry this happened to you...relationships are already pretty hard to live through so I can't imagine the pain you must be suffering....

    have you tried maybe writing him a letter?

    Maybe you need to connect more on an emotional level? like kisses, carresses, maybe ask him to play in your hair or maybe a massage...doesn't have to be sexual, just a way to communicate by touch...holding hands...this could train your body and mind and help you relearn to live again in a new way...perhaps you need to see a couple therapist?

    I hope this is heart goes out to you..
  5. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    Here's my flowers I picked for you darling.../My sweet sister

    So forgive me if I'm doing this wrong, Wildcherry deleted the quoted part and the whole post, but I'm going to reframe it to be on-topic so everyone is happy, I'm sorry if I'm doing something wrong, I'm trying to do the right thing as Dana and I were shattered that the post was deleted. I'm going to keep this on-topic so hopefully it won't be deleted.

    Dana, if you react badly in sex, your partner may be troubled not by you but by his effect on you. But you've got to respect your body's reaction that this is probably not a healthy experience to have with your partner at this time, it may never be, you've got to try to love and hug yourself and say "That's okay Alexia/Dana, you don't have to, it's okay!". My friend told me once to look in the mirror and say I love you to myself - I want you to do that Dana.

    Also, many men tend to both demand aesthetic perfection (most girls can't live up to it) and grow bored of a lack of variety to fully enjoy their sex drive. It could be just that he is flawed in this way, please don't think it's your lack of beauty that is the problem, after all, he was able to make love to you only a year ago, and not much could have changed in a year!

    Don't judge yourself by your ability to have sex! Sex is an EXTREMELY artificial thing, unless the man is literally an emotional freak out of the norm with a heart of purest, solid gold. I can tell you I'm not one of them, if I was to have sex with someone it would be heavily artificial. I don't mean it would be horrible for the other person, I mean in sex most of the time beauty is only skin deep, take all the beauty away, like take the two eyes out, take the nose out, and our bodies just would not respond as well, that's how we are made. The response of our bodies varies very selfishly, and it's sickening and cruel. That's how I'm built, and it's probably how a lot of other men are built as well.

    If he wishes to toss, that's a healthy thing for him. I mean why have sex? Just hug and kiss (on the cheek or forehead even - that's gentler) and be gentle with each other and loving (and respect each others boundaries), and if he can't do those things you really shouldn't be with him, the art of communication also is absolutely crucial, it is probably the most important thing - if you can't sit down at the end of most days and talk through what transpired that day, the relationship really is not producing fruit. You've got to respect his boundaries Alexia, in the same way that you are troubled by sex, he is too, for whatever reason, and it's a very personal thing for a man, and he may not wish to talk about it with his partner.

    None of us are perfect. Perfection is found in compassion. Compassion makes even a romantic relationship deep, fulfilling and extremely precious. It lights it up. My parents are basically marriage virgins if you know what I mean. Try and be like them and put communication and mutual respect first. But do more because you are young. Look for opportunities to communicate. Perhaps (you might think this is silly, but I'm a romantic at heart!) do good things for him, buy him little magic toys, gourmet sweets and salty pastries (and cards, and write letters perhaps), think of him, forget about sex Dana. Do things for others, be constructive, follow intelligent and fulfilling pursuits, just don't waste your time worrying about sexual inadequacy, it's fruitless (meaning no good fruits come from it), it's self- and outwardly- destructive and it's Healthy Relationship 101 what not to do, but everyone seems to do it. Draw a line.

    You might also want to go to your local library and read 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' by Dr. John Gray, or look it up online.

    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 3, 2009
  6. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your posts.

    He says he doesn't love me "like before". But he doesn't want me to live, and he ran after me when I left downtown 2 weeks ago. So I'm very confused. I don't want to be touched because I'm depressed, and because I can't if I doubt.

    But Ihave BDP. What does he really mean, and what do I hear? Words can have different meanings. He's even less expressive than me. He's not cuddle, crarresses and kisses already in the beginnin, even when close to people. Me neither except some very very close people. We're not close anymore?

    I don't know. He's nto here evening night and tomorrow. At a friend/colleague I know, so better not lie to me. I don't think he does. He says he respects me that's why. What does it mean?

    Sorry. I'm suh in a mess in my mind with so many things already. THAT is a drop too much. This evening is fiesta.

    On the other hand, I have a Mulder friend, I quite like him very much. But he lives in England, and he's got his problems too. I think he likes me but... he's got other probs lately. I'm lost. Confused, sad, happy, I don't wanna eat. I dream of something else. You know Chris, my fairy tale. Some would find it hard to believe some dream of driving the states chasing weird stuff. But who cares if it's with "Mulder".

    I'm a bit implosive.
  7. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    I think also I was wrong, if you find it hard to touch or cuddle it's okay, just try talking. I hope he isn't mean though. :hug:
  8. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    No, he's not. He was, some years ago, after he lost his Dad. I forgave him, but after a while, I became really frank and sh*t attitude, and he changed. So we have a past. I had a baby from a rapist I gave away "for" him, but it was my baby. The year then I had an abortion, his baby. So its stuff we have both inside (me more I think). Add, we're not chatters. WE rarely talk and it's often "in extremis".

    Maybe he's just not the right for me. Maybe yes but 8 years it's short to say (IMO). after all we've been through mostly the worse, it's too short.
  9. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    You've been through a hell of a lot of trauma :hug:

    Hopefully you can heal somehow.
  10. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    Do you feel bad about your child? Do you know what happened to it? Was it an adoption?
  11. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    Sorry, I'm really stupid.
  12. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    Yes he was adopted, I asked for he was adopted rapidly, and have two parents, loving. I gave him his name, and I held him several times and wayched him in the eyes, for he knows I didn't hate him, but his "father".

    Yes I hate myself for my child. What mother wouldn't?
  13. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    No it's good, it helps me to talk it out, I can't seem to do it in therapy.
  14. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member


    :hug: I have to go to bed soon, but I'll read your text tomorrow. All the best Alexia :flowers: :hugtackles: :hug: :)
  15. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    Thanks Chris. G'night.
  16. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    So tell me about the adoption or whatever. :hug:
  17. unnati

    unnati Member

    just follow to ur heart... and do whatever ur heart says... u wil definitely feel well... thanx
  18. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    Thanks Unnati. I think more and more about it...
  19. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    Keep talking about it, people will be there for you. :) :hug:
  20. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    I will try to be there for you if you wish :hug:
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