This physical pain i am in is so unfair... It is an undying pain that eats away to the very core of my soul... It is like i can not feel the happiness of a life without pain.. The cramps are so unreal tonight. it is like my whole body is twisting inside and can not be released. It is a pain i must endure till the end.. It is a pain that God has allowed to consume my body.. It is a pain that only i can feel yet it causes pain to others here that have known me these last few days ... I can not bear to watch them cry for me.. God comfort them.. Let them know that you chose my life to end this way.. And even though you did not chose me to take the steps to end my pain- that was my choice - but you did allow me to feel this pain. Maybe it is punishment from you for a past that even i am ashambed of... A past i can not change nor correct... I tried. I honestly tried to make friends with them again. I tried to let them know just how much i loved them but they do not want me Lord. They do not want my love... The emotional pain i feel is so hard to understand. How can i expect them to understand it when i do not even understand it myself? How can i even expect them to even love me when even i am unworthy of your love? I am worse then paul ever was. I was a total waste. this emotional pain is taking up what is left from the physical pain of this cancer that eats away at my body.... Why allow me to suffer so much hurt? So much pain? So much lonelyness? How can they go on with their life without even thinking of me? Do they not know that they have hurt me? Do they not know i am in pain and without them day by day i go deeper and deeper into isolation? Do they not care at all about my feelings? Are they so wrapped up in this world that they think only of themselves? Why God? Why allow me this lonelyness? Why did you allow them to come into my life and then abandon me like they did? They left . They left without saying good-bye. They left without even thinking of calling me. They wanted me out of their life and now i soon will be in a few days... This pain is tremendas and is an undying pain that will continue on.. Why couldnt they have just called? Why couldnt Elaine just have called to say hi? I dont even cross their mind do i? I am nothing. I am totally nothing to them. It was all a lie to me. It was all make believe to me.. Their love was not real yet they talk about your love God. They talk about your undying love for fellow brothers and sisters in Christ yet i am not neither one. I am not concidered a christian by them nor am i considered a sister in christ either... How many times God? How many times has david been asked about me and he would always say i dont want to talk about her...? How many times have you tried to show him the truth? Yet he has refussed to see what others see. Why are they so blinded? Am i the one who is blind? Is it me that needs to change? Am i not worthy of love because i am all screwed up? Is it because i have a big heart? Is it because i care when i should not? love when i should not? The pain is getting to me and it is going deep... Why did i receive so much hardship upon this earth? Why let things happen to me all the time? Why let others hurt my feelings like they do? Why did you let david and elaine become someone i loved then let them walk out of my life? How can i ever forget them? They have the same birthday as my mom and dad had? There is no way i can forget. Was there a reason behind that? A reason they had the same birthday? If there was then i have failed you. they are out of my reach... Why do i hurt so much? Why could they not understand my pain? Why could they not just love me? I need them so much right now and they could care less. They care nothing of my pain. they care nothing of me. Why let them know i have cancer now for? They would be only here because they knew i had it and not because they truly loved me. God as much as i need them right now i really cant see them... i cant face them because i caused them a lot of pain.. i hurt them and i hate myself for that. i hate my life. i hate what i have become... like the white dove in the movie here of in you i found me .. i want to fly away into your presense. i want to feel that peace that i once felt. i want to be with you where i know your love will not leave me... You have the highest degree of love for me and i need you... God i really need you.. I am afraid of trusting anyone anymore... I trusted a minister and his wife that they would be there for me and look where they are at?? What happens if i stay? They will be there while i am on my deathbed? Why would i want them then for? with their pretend love? It is not right nor fair to me... I tried to make up with them but they dont want me.. and God you of all people know my true heart. You know my pain. and you know i need them now more then anything but yet they are not here... they are truly heartless and cold and have no feelings for me or my pain... it is useless to keep fighting. for myself.. for a hope that someday they will come around.. it will never happen... it will never happen... they could care less about me. Dear God forgive me but i cant go on anymore... I just cant go on anymore... it is time for me to just give up.. i am even losing my faith in you... oh God please forgive me for the next steps i take....?