Physically tired of life, when does the pain end?

I feel so horribly bad. Went to my sister's house today for a birthday party for my 7 year old neice. Tried to be happy, tried to "party" with family, but just struggled so hard. I cant even talk to my family anymore with the guilt of the knowledge that I do badly want to exit this world. I keep my answers and my talk short, and try to have a smile for the kids as their "big uncle".

But ultimately, I am tired of trying to live.

I have so much stress in my life, from work, to finances, to just plain lonelyness and thoughts of uselessness. How else can someone like me explain my lack of any sort of dating, or relationships whatsoever in my life. I have even been accused by coworkers as being gay, when I am absolutely not. With my values, that is a major slam in my gut like with a 2 by 4!

I just cant seem to get past a first date with a woman, no matter how much I try, or not try. I guess that I am slowely dropping into a deep cave of despair and depression. Its hard to sleep, hard to eat! The only good thing is that Ive lost a lot of fat on my body in the past few weeks. Ive told my family that I am on a diet, just to try to cover it up. Sure they think its great I am loosing weight. I use to drink soda like it was going out of style, but now it tastes like piss after stopping drinking it for a few months.

I really dont care anymore about even trying to date, because I doubt I will be around past christmas. I am just to that point of saying "so be it!"..."my life is over!".....

:itachi:

 

HI Jacob....don't give up ..
are you getting any help? doctors, meds, therapy to help with those feelings..
the date thing maybe to do with low self esteem and confidence and therapy can help with that..
those smart a**** at work need to get a life...try not to take any notice of them