pills.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Eloquence, Jan 20, 2015.

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  1. Eloquence

    Eloquence Member

    At times like these, I wish there would be a pill to swallow that would immediately kill me. Just one tiny pill, whoops.
    Side Effects? As soon as the pill is taking effect, I want everyone I ever knew to forget about my existence from the start altogether. Well maybe they already don't remember me without the usage of any stupid pills.

    Don'tleavemealone,don'tleavemealone.
    Ahh, but still you go everytime. Telling me it's always about me being hurt, when all I really need is for you to stay. I never begged for anything more. I'd get on my knees, I'd cry and call you my Saint, if only these things would make you stay.
    I need you so bad, though you are the one that destroys me in the utmost.

    I just don't know where to go anymore. I'm tired of trying to be strong for you, knowing I can't help you, because of this damn Long Distance Relationship. I'm just too far away. I just "can't understand you" either. I don't have the money, or a driving license, or any kind of power.
    I feel so worthless.
    I keep adding stress to my parents and I know for a fact that they'd be glad if I was gone, they would move to another country and live their dream. I know it. They told me.
    I keep adding troubles to my classmates, who are complete strangers to me, by being such a dense idiot, who is not capable of getting just one thing right.
    Oh, please kill me.

    But I'm too dumb to even kill myself, I can't even do the simplest task and do everyone a favor.
    Because I'm scared of adding even more pain to the one that already turmoils in my heart. I feel so squished, there are knots in my throat all the time, sometimes I just can't breathe and even though I'm still capable of crying, it is so annoying.
    I cry because of every little thing. I get frustrated so easily, like when there's an inkspot on my homework. I lose it.
    I lost it.

    Oh please, just give me a pill to end it all, a pill that makes everyone else and above all ME forget that I ever existed.
     
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, please be strong as we can help you. You are young and have the rest of your life to live.

    You think no one understands you we do on this forum. Each day you find it a struggle to live but.you can I know it's hard but be strong. It's ok to feel down but treat each day as a new life experience.

    It's hard at such a young age but.be strong. Yes, like you, I would like to take a pill to resolve my life but it's about finding one's inner strength.to move forward.

    Your parents do care and love you. Classmates just tease.as they are just kids themselves. Remember it's easy to hate but hard to be accepted by your peers.

    You are not struggling on your own and please remember life will be easy in the future. I hope this message gives you comfort. Keep posting for support you truly require. Be safe and take care.
     
  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hi there Eloquence and welcome to SF.

    I'm really sorry to hear that you are struggling so much right now. I think all of us here at one time have wished that there was a pill to end it all, or a pill to just fix everything but life is not that simple. Is there anything in particular that has happened to make you feel this way, or is it a whole combination of things? Have you sought any help for your depression? Please keep reaching out to us here, and my PM's are open if you feel you need a more private chat. Big hugs :hug:
     
  4. Eloquence

    Eloquence Member

    @Unknown: Hello and firstly thanks for replying..it makes me happy, seeing replies.
    Seeing that..people are reading this. Listening to me. Well, you probably know that feeling.

    Yes, your answer did comfort me..you're right, I'm not alone. Thank you, you really brightened my day. :)

    @Butterfly: It is a whole combination of things. My life feels like it was a process only waiting for me to fall into depression, but the cause are many things.
    You see, Im in a long d
     
  5. turryburry

    turryburry Well-Known Member

    It's not so easy with one pill, or even 20 pills, or 30 pills. It sounds like a great idea but it never works out like that. I hope you continue posting here. You're not alone!
     
  6. Eloquence

    Eloquence Member

    oops... long distance relationship. Both of us are suicidal, fighting depression and its like we build each other up to bring us down again, a really unhealthy relationship. But we cant live without each other either.
    Then there are my dad and my stepmom with whom Im living. They command me around like in a prison. Not allowed to drink or eat or go to the toilet after 9pm, or be loud ever, electronics get taken away in the evening, my cellphone too, and they keep controlling me with thousand questions etc. I even got kicked out for 4 days over christmas to my birthday, with them knowing I had no place to go.
    School too..sigh, its just many things piling up.
    No, this is the first time I really reached out for any help, by writing in this forum..
    Thanks for your answer! *big hugs back*
     
  7. Eloquence

    Eloquence Member

    @turryburry: Thank you for your answer..well, its more of a selfish wish or a dream I guess.
    Yes, I will continue posting. It is really giving me strength, the feeling of being..heard on here..:)
     
  8. turryburry

    turryburry Well-Known Member

    I'm glad I could help. You have no idea how your words have affected me. :p
     
  9. Eloquence

    Eloquence Member

    t-they affected you..?
    Oh God..How come?
     
  10. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Turnberry. Words hurt your feelings and that's understandable at a young age. As you get old, it will be easy but do not take it to heart. Perhaps you should write down the emotions you feel down. That might help. I know it's easy to say ignore the cruel words said to you but just start the day with a smile and just.make someone smile.

    Keep focused and keep posting here for the continued support.
     
  11. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I'm sorry to hear that Eloquence. I think it's difficult when you want some freedom but still live with your parents, but unfortunately, you do live in their house and will have to abide by their rules. In my experience, protesting does not help matters and only makes things worse. Maybe you could get a part time job and start saving, so that when you are old enough you will be able to move out and get your own place.

    As for the long distance relationship, it sounds like you are both toxic for one another. I know it may sound harsh but maybe for the sake of yours and his mental health you should end the relationship. You are young, you will experience many more relationships and you have plenty of times for things to change. Being a teenager is difficult, but you have time on your side and you can start now by making things change your future for the better.
     
  12. Eloquence

    Eloquence Member

    Well, I guess that's true. I'm the kind of girl that puts up the tough act and is actually pretty sensitive, so I guess it's my fault too. Because I mislead people into thinking these comments don't hit me that hard.
    Yeah..I should write them down..thanks for that, I should really do that.

    I will, thank you for everything!
     
  13. Eloquence

    Eloquence Member

    I already decided I would move out when I turn 16. Just, the knowledge that there is an escape but you cannot get away from those parents that call you a heartless beast and hit you for one more year- it doesn't feel like JUST one more year, it feels like every day stretches endlessly. I already have a parttime job too, I'm..doing everything I can. I just wish that people would actually see that one day, I I mean I swear to God I'm trying. I don't always want to excuse myself, I want to be heard.

    I know that it is what I should do. Yes, I should break up with him. But for what? So that he is all by himself, and so am I?
    I crave to be loved, I don't know what I would do wthout his love- maybe..just maybe I am a masochist? Letting myself get pushed into depression by him everyday in order to make myself believe that I can still feel something, even if it's hurt?
    I tried staying away from him once, it..did not go well. So I keep being like this. It's like this one tiny little threat is connecting us and we're both already holding up our scissors to cut them through. And if either of us was kind, we'd cut the threat for the other, as to stop the pain for him. But I'm a cruel person.

    Though, I just...want to say one thing.
    I really really really honestly appreciate all of you commenting here and HELPING ME, I've never felt so blessed before, just- please listen to me when I say that what I feel is not just a "phase of puberty". I don't want to talk myself into depression, because I wish I didn't feel the constant need to od on the stupid little medics we have at home, but this is far beyond a little puberty down-ness. Please believe me. I need you guys to believe me, otherwise I'll..lose the confidence to post here.
     
  14. turryburry

    turryburry Well-Known Member

    We do care. We do believe you. Keep posting. Don't lose confidence.
     
  15. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    If they are physically hitting you then you need to confide in somebody at your school or call child services because that is NOT okay. But well done on getting a part time job and having a plan for the future, that is a good thing.

    If you are only in a relationship because you don't want to be by yourself and don't want to hurt his feelings, then you are in a relationship for all the wrong reasons. Have you ever met this guy face to face? You need to concentrate on yourself before trying to please others.
     
  16. Eloquence

    Eloquence Member

    Thats not the reason. I really love him. Thats exactly why I need his love so much. Because hes the only one who can make me feel loved. And I also want to make him feel loved and give him strength, I just...dont have enough self confidence and think Im not good enough to do that.
    No, I never met him face to face. But we write and talk and cam everyday, and I saw him on there and on pictures too. I believe him. Though I know you have to be careful on the net, but hes not pressuring me into anything, its more like HE is putting me on an armslength.
     
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