Pissed Off

[GoldenPsych]

I woke up today so bloody angry. Mainly that I woke up at all.

I don't know why I am feeling these feelings. I am so tired of it. I have been so anxious and aggitated all day. At least I have managed to get my room clean and tidied....a whole bin bag of rubbish I got out! As I was doing it I was feeling awful. I mean, what normal person has a self harm drawer? xxxxxxxxxx . Then I have the instruments also. It just seemed so normal for me to have all of this.

I then have all my old meds that I store for "just in case". I can't throw them away. I need them there. I feel better knowing they are there.

I feel the need tonight to get really pissed. I only have 1 bottle of wine though so that wont get me drunk. I know though in the state I am in if I drink much more than that I will end up cutting. I know I want to now and having drink makes me want to even more. I know I'll let tonight as I've been doing it every night for the past couple of weeks. It is that that is stopping me cutting. I know if I cut it will be bad. With putting it off it does get that it gets worse each time.

I am so anxious I don't know what to do. I have 1 diazepam left. I have had it a while. I like to know it's there and I don't really want to use it. I keep it for an emergency. I don't think that this constitues one.

 

[dazzle11215]

please don't go drinking tonight. remember what happened last time? the police? the hospital? you don't want a repeat. see if you can keep distracting yourself. do something wtih that excess energy. rip up an old phone book. that takes a lot of effort and is good for getting anger out. write in your blog. go for a drive. thinking of you

c

 

[Jenny]

Hi

I echo what Dazzle has said.. i hope you're able to keep yourself safe tonight and not get drunk and/or self harm. I hear how abnormal you feel because you have a self harm drawer etc. but it's your way of coping.. maybe not the healthiest of ways but it's all you know right now. Things can improve though, but you've gotta be around for that to happen. Not saying it'll be easy but hang on in there and keep writing if it helps.

Thinking of you too
Jenny x

 

[cashing_out]

Smoke some bud, eat some chocolate and fall asleep....just dont go drinking and cutting.......I suffer from rage myself and boy oh boy do I get pissed off......I want to hurt others though, not myself. I will drink and fight. So, I just dont drink, I smoke bud and that changes my head so I can function without wanting to kill EVERYBODY.....it may work for you too. This site and weed has changed my thought process so much in the last 9 months.....A year ago, I thought for sure I would be dead by now, and wanted to die............wanted to kill folks and then be killed........not so much anymore. Still pisssed for all the same reasons but no longer crave the urge to take my life or others........weed may not be your answere but it works for me......good luck and purge that nasty drawer of yours.........

 

[GoldenPsych]

I don't always end up in a mess every time I drink. Just sometimes. I only have a bottle of wine and have had a couple of glasses of white. Just started on my bottle of red. I want to cut tonight. I want to do it. I will try not to and just let a little.

 

[cashing_out]

No matter what we say, you will do what you want anyhow. Alcohol is a depressant......so why would you want to drink and get more depressed? It is a nasty drug. Since you already started to drink, your thought proces has already changed........please try and not cut.....please.

 

[GoldenPsych]

I didn't cut. What I did is probably worse. I didn't actually drink anymore than 2 glasses of wine. I ended up blowing again. I think I have got a vein this time. Will have to wait and see. A cig was painful so hoping that that means I succeeded.

 

[Jenny]

Hi

I've just seen this and am really hoping you're ok. To be honest I don't fully understand what you mean but i know it doesn't sound good.. please try to get some help if you can. I know it's scary and you don't want others to know but this sounds dangerous and potentially lethal.

I'm thinking of you
Jenny x