Really pissed off today. God i haven't been on here for ages might i say. I have had a friend who i recently have confined in to the extent of telling him what i do but i didn't talk to him again about it or i tried not to as i am too disappointed in myself as i don't think i deserve help. The only reason i haven't SH as much as i used to (everyday almost) is because of him, didn't want to disappoint him but i have given up trying to do that. He keeps trying to get me to talk about my problems, coaxing me out of being silent i guess but it just unearths all my depression, SH urges and such :unsure: I scolded my hand quite a lot today, holding it in hot water over and over again. i have left cutting behind me as i dont want scars anymore. I just wanted to lash out today, i have too much anger kept inside. If he had come near me i know i would of attacked him :dry: i'm so messed up. Past too many train lines and bridges for my comfort today. I went for a long walk for about 3 hours just continuously walking :unsure: Every time i saw a train i would wonder if it would be fast enough to kill me or if i saw a bridge or building if it was tall enough to kill me. He wants me to talk on Wednesday but its too late. After the walking i needed to talk to him, after i had cooled down i was ready to share to show my whole past if he wanted. But he just said "talk to you on Wednesday". It will be too late then :unsure: Though i will not kill myself i have caused myself a lot of pain and emotional grief and i don't want to talk to him anymore. When i needed him he wasn't there, when i finally reached out for help he asked me to wait. Am i being selfish?