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Plaged by SI

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Tonks, Oct 19, 2010.

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  1. Tonks

    Tonks Active Member

    **I can spell most of the time..really!**

    I haven't really posted anything about my background, since I am new to the forum, my history of depression and family problems. Perhaps another time because I am feeling just that mentally worn out at the moment. Assuming my idealizations stay just that.

    Well, perhaps part of my family issues are what is making me feel this way. I loathe my father. Invisibly mentally abusive my entire life. I could never achieve his idea of perfection. It drove me to attacks of anxiety and feelings of worthlessness. He first preyed on my older sister, he was subtle, nobody knew what he was doing, not even my mother. He destroyed my sister. She was like a beautiful flower that wilted at the first sign of heat. She went from an outgoing, lovely, intelligent young woman to one who would never talk or look in your eyes. A mere shell of who she used to be. I can look at her and see her, but she just isn't there anymore.

    I was safe from him until the past few years. I was stubborn, hard headed. I fought fire with fire. I defended against his attacks. However, my armor eventually began to chip when I went to college. In an attempt to keep a scholarship, I was taking more credits than I could handle. I failed my first class, and he swept in on me like a vulture. He made my life a living hell. I couldn't handle it. I withdrew from my family and friends. I lost my job because of my anxieties. He was doing the same thing to me that he did to my sister. He was breaking me like he broke her.

    I haven't spoken to him in over six months. This is good news. Until I learned of what he has been recently saying to family members who I hold close. Awful things. They know none of it is true, but it makes me dizzy with pain and sadness.

    During the night I dream of suicide. During the day, I think it is the best way out and plan. I'm tired. Right now, my depression is just overwhelming. Medications haven't helped, therapy hasn't much either. I feel like I am a burden on society, that I'm not worth the very oxygen I breathe. And my plan is...realistic. XXXXX Often I compare the difference between using a XXXXX. Both will get the job done. I know it is strange but..I don't want to shoot myself in the head. No, I want to feel my life ebbing away. I guess when I dream of dying, it feels comforting. But that feeling ends when I wake up in the morning and all the negative feelings return. I wish I could ask my friend who committed suicide this summer how it was...
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 22, 2010
  2. Hanging_On

    Hanging_On New Member


    I remember feeling like you, parents being the bane of my life, and it just kept on going.... But now I'm trying to be independent. That is another story however...

    When you say 'therapy isn't helping', what do you mean? the counselor just isn't there for you? Is finding another counselor out of the question? And you haven't spoken to your father, nor your other family members for a long time? Is nobody else supporting you?

    Surely the fact that he's been saying horrible, untrue things about you shows your relatives that he's one heck of a liar.

    Has anyone else in your life reached out to you?


    As for those guns, not yet. Not yet. Not yet. You hurt the people who care for you when you do it. I fear hurting them the most which is why I am still here.

    People care. We care, even if we're not physically there with you. And no doubt, you've got someone crushing on you right now who will help if you let them.

  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    hey, sorry to hear this is going on. your dad sounds like a total asshole.

    please get rid of the guns. i can't see how any good can come of them.

    if you are in need, i think that society has an obligation to you. you are more than worthy of the air you breathe. i think it's just your father's poison words that have affected you.

    i hope that you can live and overcome what your dad has done to you. it would be great if you and your sister both could overcome this. i think that maybe thinking about her could help to motivate you to help yourself so that you both can overcome this.

    if you got out of this and told everyone what bastard your dad is, that would serve him. i'm guessing he has had his own trauma, which he dumped on you and your sister, but it's no excuse.

    it would be great if you and your sister could overcome what he has done and live.

    electro-covulsive therapy? meditation? maybe try some other stuff?
  4. Johnnyc

    Johnnyc Well-Known Member

    My comment is just on those guns, the mere fact you have considered what type of round you could use is a threat. If I were in your shoes I would think of selling them as soon as possible. There way to easy of a temptation. I did the same a few months back.
  5. Tonks

    Tonks Active Member

    I've essentially bounced from therapist to therapist. I can talk about my problems after a while with each one (takes a while to open up), keep up with the positive behavioral therapy they suggest, but in the end, I'm feeling as cold and empty as before. I've even had a bad experience before with one. I didn't go to him long, of course, but it made me leery of therapists. When you go to someone for help and they write you off as having "the crazy" and not helpful...makes me wonder why he was in that career field anyway.

    I guess I consider the xxxxx to know ones available won't do squat. Unless I steal xxxxx the hospital I do a clinical at. But I'm not up for theft...it seems too wrong. I should sell at least one...I keep one around because I live in constant fear of someone breaking into the house...it happened once before in the middle of the night.

    My mother supports me, so does her sister. She and her sister, my aunt, are the only ones who know. My Dad, he's changed in the past few years. He's become bitter, angry. I used to be such a Daddy's girl, we'd do everything together. Now I hate him bad enough to wish for his death, but that would just make Mom sad.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 22, 2010
  6. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    there are quite a few therapists who really shouldn't be therapists. it's important to find a good match.

    what about family therapy? do you think your mom would be into it? would she be able to get your dad to go?

    your dad would probably profit from some meds.

    I'm not saying it's gonna happen, but it would be great if your dad could get some help to change, realize what an asshole he's been, and make some apologies and try to undo some of the damage he's done.
  7. Tonks

    Tonks Active Member

    Actually, Mom has already tried to get him to go to therapy. Didn't work because he believes all mental illnesses are fake, so he wouldn't go.

    In the meantime...I gave my firearms to a friend with a safe to hand onto (well, to put in HIS safe, I have one, but I obviously know the combo). Hasn't taken away the desire, just the readily available method.
  8. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    this is a good first step!

    I don't know if it would help for just you and your mom and your sister could go to family therapy?
  9. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    What a brave step...and so glad you decided to share with us...it sounds like your father has his own issues if he needs to live through other ppl's lives...please try to deflect his meanness as much as you can and try to remember, this is HIS problem...thanks for sharing...J
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