Planned Ahead-please ignore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Warp, Nov 4, 2012.

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  1. Warp

    Warp New Member

    I just want to say I do not want comments, I just had to post my thoughts. Don't waste your time here, seriously. Help someone else here who needs you more... I am a lost cause.

    So I planned out my death. Every detail. I even devised a backup to ensure it works. I had a date set aside in my planning, a note that is coded and only 1 friend can translate. I even found a way to make my less stable friends think I'm still alive days after I've passed. More than enough time for someone else to be alerted to keep an eye on them & ensure they can't follow my footsteps. I am a little concerned about side effects of failure, but with these preparations, I don't think it would even matter.

    As my due date drew nearer I actually grew uncertain & decided not to go through with it, but still have all my preparatory notes saved.

    The date still hasn't arrived & I keep thinking back to them, and as I drop worse, I am slowly convincing myself that with all this planing it would be a shame to let it go to waste. I know that's stupid, but with every passing day it seems to make more sense.

    I don't really expect any help because I'm sure most people will say "don't do it" or "we've been there & it won't work" or "what about your family and friends?" but I just don't care anymore. Yes I'm selfish, I'm terrible, & I don't want to be here. I just needed to let my thoughts out.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    There are many of us here that have made plans that still have their plans but chosen to stay here because of acceptance of safety of friends
    You are not unlike many of us hun and it would be worse to see a life go to waste then a plan You life is worth more then any plan you have Even the best laid plans can go array and one is left in such a worse place then before
  3. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I do not believe you are a lost cause in any way, and it has nothing to do with wanting to "save you" - just I do not believe people are disposable things to be forgotten about or cast aside regardless of the situation they find themselves in. I do not see any good reason to try to convince you of pro's and con's as it is apparent you are weighing them out with some care yourself and I will not presume myself to be a better judge of your life than you are. I would ask simply, as you have some time left at this point, to tell what is going on that got you to this point. Presumably it does not matter a great deal now so there is no reason not to really, and who knows, maybe some unthought of point or idea may come of it that can help as opposed to simply waiting away the days.

    Take Care

  4. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    Your in a huge amount of pain, please reach out for help. Go to the hospital and tell them you are in an emergency. Please let others help you.
  5. CosmikJack

    CosmikJack Member

    As we all know, or maybe it is just me, notes and plans are things that are concrete for us to hold onto. They are something to make us feel better about our choices that we make, and try to help lessen other peoples pain when they find us. But I ask you this do you really want to rummage through one of your old boxes in 2 years, 5 years, or even 20 and find these plans. I know that with any kind of disease we have to take it one day at a time, and it is hard for us to plan out our futures when we dont even know what the next 24 hours are going to be like. Now I am aware you didn't really want responses to your post, but by saying that loudly and clearly whether or not you want them you will recieve them. If you want to keep them to look back on one day to see how much you have changed, do that until your hearts content. But if these plans are in place to actually hold you back, you need to let them go, burn them, flush them down the toilet. You can always draw up new plans and better ways to do what you want to do if that makes you happy, but until that time you should let the past be the past, the future be the future, because right now you are in the present and thats what it is all about.
  6. midnightstar

    midnightstar Senior Member

    You are not a lost cause honey, please reach out for help and tell professionals how you feel and let them help you and keep talking here :hug:
  7. letmedisappear

    letmedisappear Well-Known Member

    Hey Warp. At first, I'm tempted to repeat the words of many here, but... well, as you said, they probably just won't work.

    I just wanted to bring to light life, rather than death. Something a lot of us talk about here - and for good reason - is death, death, death, but we sometimes skip over the life. And life isn't worth skipping over. I'm sure we all could say it's pretty goddamn shitty. Life sucks, to say the very least. And to be honest, the majority of the world would have killed themselves if it weren't for one thing.

    I think that one thing is what keeps us all here, in life, and even on the forum. It's other people. We're not alone - and I don't just mean that in the cliche sense of "we're here for you, we know what you're going through". Rather, we all are here together, experiencing something together. Everyone will tell you, you get hooked on a hobby or a club or anything because of the people in it. Marching band. Key Club. Anything. As one people together, we're experiencing some fucking awful stuff - but hey, this person is here, and so is she, and fuck, I'm not leaving them because I like their company. People live, not because people like living, but because they like living with people.

    And hey, I won't even get into the possibility of relationships between people. And going further than that? Well, that's just too taboo to think about for a youngster like me.

    I hope that you won't reconsider what you're doing. I hope you stay steadfast in your ways. But I only say that, for at the moment, I don't want to be a hypocrite. I would want you to say the same thing to me. I don't want people telling me to stop. Except, sometimes, I stop my plans because I want to die, but die peacefully, not in a bitter state. I want to die with the love of my life holding my hand, in hospital bed of old age. Not just another statistic that Key Club can use to try to get teenagers to call this number if they're in need.

    I'm always here if you want to PM me.
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