Right. Bear with me on this one. I'm new to both this forum and this whole suicide topic, so sorry in advance for any newbie mistakes. Tl;dr-version of "My Story": I'm a 28 year old male STEM-field student from northern Europe. Because of my heritage, a great deal is expected of me in terms of education and success. I also have a strong personal urge to succeed. However, I consistently fail to uphold the standards I set for myself. Even in cases where my expectations are waaay low, something in my head prevents me from performing tasks adequately, or even at all. Needless to say, this has been wreaking havoc on my studies, and I'm now about two months away from facing an outright fail and dismissal of my entire degree. Oh yeah, and I'm also a social pariah with low self-esteem, no money, no firends and no girlfriend (ever). My only redeeming feature is an above average intelligence, and should i fail in making this into a career, which is wholly dependent on my education, then I would rather kill myself than live with the failure. Now on to the actual topic: A few days ago, I decided to plan an "exit strategy" in case of the looming failure. Because of the forum rules, I can't mention anything specific, but what I can say is that after some research, I did find a viable method. However, it was contingent on sourcing a number of items from vendors without causing suspicion or breaking the law. Initially, I thought it would prove too difficult, but to my great supprise I managed to source everything - no questions asked. Even more supprising though, upon realizing that my plan was not only theoretically possible, but fully feasible, I felt the heavy burden and darkness of depression lift off and give way to a weird sense of euphoria. Wtf, right? What's even weirder is that the depression has not reemerged since, 3-4 days later, which for me is unheard of. Seriously, I'm dumbfounded by this. I would expect to be feeling the worst I have ever felt, lowest of the low, not verging on being contempt or dare i say it - happy?! It's definitely not linked to anything going on with my studies. That's worse than ever. There are no improvements in my personal life either. Still as lonely and awkward as ever. If any of you guys have any inputs or opinions about this, please share it with me!