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Planning ahead...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by WordsMeanNothing, Dec 27, 2013.

  1. I have been informed that everything I have worked towards my entire adult life will likely be destroyed next month because of one small mistake. I almost wish it was something bigger – a serious crime, something more impactful or dramatic to anyone – but it’s not. Even the ways in which I sabotage my own life are pathetic and inconsequential.

    My odds of being able to recover from this are slim, but possible. I am holding on to that last bit of hope that what I’ve accomplished won’t be shattered in the name of bureaucratic expediency, but it is dying fast. That I have resolved to keep living on through the night may be the hardest decision I have ever made.

    In the meantime, I have been making very concrete plans on how to end my life and how to prepare my friends and family for this, both financially and emotionally. It’s going to take a long time to get my affairs in order (and there is the chance that what is happening to me now will pass), but I have to do at least one thing right in my life before I rid it of me once and for all.

    P.S. For anyone wondering, yes, I have been diagnosed with mental health issues including depression. Ironically, it was seeking out treatment for my problems that eventually lead me to where I am now. I can’t speak for everyone, obviously, but I have found that the desire from outsiders to “treat” one’s problems is bullshit. I wish I had kept everything to myself and never opened up at all.
  2. wyngedbyste

    wyngedbyste Well-Known Member

    Wow. That's some heavy stuff. Not sure what to say about the whole getting help caused my life to fall apart thing. Not enough information there. I do know what it's like to lose everything. I went from having a great job, a wonderful apartment, family and friends, to being homeless and penniless. It took me a year, 7 months of it inpatient, but eventually I got disability and an apartment. I still have virtually no possessions and little money. I take life one minute at a time.

    Your friends and family cannot be "prepared" for a premature end to your life. Seriously. There's really no way to prepare someone for that. You can't minimize the impact it will have on them. You can't mitigate it. You can't tell them they'll feel better. Realistically, they will NEVER feel better if you take your life. It will always be with them. They'll feel it was their fault. They'll be angry with you. Sure, you won't be there so you won't have to deal with it. I guess that makes it easier for you. But don't think it will make them feel any better. They want you there. In the flesh, problems and all.

    Please, stay alive. Post here. A lot of people have been where you are. There are a lot of very kind people here.

  3. Byste,

    Thank you for your thoughtful response. I will definitely engage with the community here. I haven’t given up yet...

    I will do my best to imagine how my family will be somehow worse off without me as a ball-and-chain on their existence, but it’s hard right now. I feel like I’m choosing between dying a coward/selfish bastard, or living as an undue burden to people who deserve better. One thing I am definitely going to do is call and/or see them soon.
  4. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Give yourself a chance to process your feelings here and see how we can help you see things in a better perspective than resorting into dying as your ultimate answer. Keep us in touch when you get to see or talk to your family. I wish you the best....
  5. Something amazing happened to me today...I might actually turn things around to my favor by the end of the month! The fight has just begun, but I haven't felt a stronger will to live in a long time! I'll keep everyone posted. Thanks for all the encouragement!
  6. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    what exactly happened that is/was ruining your life and what is happening now?
  7. Arun

    Arun Well-Known Member

    That is wonderful WordsMeanNothing! I am really glad that you now have a strong will to live, and whether this good thing falls through or not, i hope you keep this determination to live.
  8. rigadoog

    rigadoog Active Member

    I'm wondering this as well... I don't mean to invalidate your misfortune in any way, but we do know that depression can make us blow things out of proportion.