Planning but delayed

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LJM, Aug 21, 2013.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. LJM

    LJM New Member

    Hi I am in a private psychiatric facility - have ust been diagnosed with a mood disorder, and have also recently separated from a long term marriage. I have a background of trauma and abuse, and my behaviours have lead to the end of my marriage. I am planning to suicide when I can get out of here but at the moment I can't even pretend that I'm ok. Nothing here is helping, no one understands and I feel completely destroyed - no matter what I did or how strong I was my abuser ended up getting everything. Not sure why I'm posting here just feel like saying this out loud to anyone who will listen.
     
  2. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Hello and welcome to SF.

    We are a peer-to-peer support community for people of all backgrounds/histories. We aim to be pro-life, so you may find some offer options such as therapy or going to the docs for medications - but there are options for you if you choose to discuss further what has brought you to consider such a choice as suicide.

    Hope we can offer you some much needed listening support.
     
  3. _Lily_

    _Lily_ Forum Buddy

    Hi Welcome to the forum
    Am sorry that things are hard for you right now
    i come from a trauma and abuse back ground too its hard to keep going after something like that i struggle everyday myself
    if you ever need to talk am around most of the time just shout me a pm
     
  4. Corey1221

    Corey1221 Active Member

    Hi there, often just having people to listen is the best help one needs for the days we feel down.
     
  5. Dialtone

    Dialtone Member

    TL;DR

    I got you bro. I've been where you are for some of what you are going through, and I can feel your pain. If you need ideas about your treatment or ways to evaluate stuff, hit one of the older board members up. Since you are actively suicidal and in an institution, tell the staff everything good and bad so they can have the opportunity to tune your treatment until they find something that works. Above all, be strong bro and know that the LS boards got your back. As a whole, we are pulling for you to make the most of your situation.

    Be well and kick ass.

    Dialtone

    ------------------------------------------------------

    LJM:

    I am not an established person on here like many of the older members. If I can help by listening or sharing, I will. For now, I'll share.

    I've been in your shoes: inside a facility, alone with nobody. I hadn't been married at the time, but I was going out with a long time friend from high school. We loved then parted in a rather hurtful manner. I might have been able to keep going if the rest of my life at the time was not in pieces. I and wanted to kill myself. Not for my ex, not because I was living a shitty life, and not because I was angry or sad or anything like that, although all of that was in play. The truth was that I was in pain and had been since I was a kid. I didn't see a way out of the endless downward spiral. I'd hit the event horizon of a black hole and was getting stretched out to nothing, for no damn reason.

    I hurt a lot and nobody understood what I was experiencing. I was isolated from the other patients because they all seemed as if they were on a different planet (literally quite detached from this earth, in some cases). I didn't feel detached from reality in the sense that I could still reason and was aware that I was severely depressed. I felt connected because I knew that I was facing the pain of continuing to go on living. I looked at the hospital personnel and they all seemed so normal. I felt like they all looked at me like I was a complete nut job. I didn't think they could understand either, and truth be told, most of them have no more than a rough, clinical affiliation with the sort of psychic pain that leads to suicide.

    In that sense, we're probably very right. They live normal lives with brain chemistry that does not continually betray them and cause atypical behavior. They are totally clueless when it comes to understanding what you or I experience.

    What they do have, are the tools and compassion it takes to help people like us.

    I am not fool enough to say that It'll be okay and or that everything will be alright. Rationally, we owe ourselves and our community every opportunity to survive even to the point of taking the high, hard road. You keep going until there is real certainty that there is no dignity left in the life we live; and that there is no potential to regain dignity, once lost. When the diagnosis comes down, and there is nothing left that they can do to help us, then it is time to weigh options. Not before.

    That's the way I look at things, I suppose. I'm still kicking around because for me right now, the pain is bearable and I've got some things left to do. I'm a bad model because I'm half-assing treatment, if I'm honest. I'm limping along and I think things could possibly be better if I put effort into finding a decent therapist.

    Anyway, I hope I helped somewhere; at the very least to let you know that you aren't alone.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.