planning suicide for the future

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by iceblue, Mar 25, 2013.

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  1. iceblue

    iceblue Well-Known Member

    Well I'm sitting here alone as I often am as I do not work, having had a mental illness which has kept coming back. I suspect that the medication itself may have something to do with it as I have become dependent on it and have read a lot about 'rebound psychosis' when you try and come off it, and the fact that people who never had psychosis to begin with can become psychotic once they take this type of drug.

    On top of this about 11 years ago I became a Christian - partly through a sense of guilt and fear - because I felt guilty over not wanting to be with my husband at the time, and also because of the mental illness I had delusions over being followed by Satanists. So I was looking for a safe haven and I thought that God/Jesus would provide that. However, it didn't work and all that happened over the past 11 years was that it caused a rift between myself and my son because I became so religious and also I just had lots of guilty feelings all the time - particularly every time the voices or illness would start up all over again and I came to think I was being demonised - and this belief was affirmed and basically encouraged by other Christians.

    Finally, recently I heard a voice I believed was God telling me that the devil had a stronghold in my heart because I had some money in the form of savings so I gave away all of my savings to charity and to an immigrant selling a magazine on the street and now have hardly anything left and no money to buy much needed replacement glasses.

    So, I am forming a plan to commit suicide in the future. I am going to save so that I can purchase a substance that will enable me to take my life. Taking the medication that I've been on meant that I put on weight and have diabetes and I currently live a life on benefits with much social isolation - basically the quality of my life isn't great. I miss people and company but my mum and dad do not want me to live with them, and as I said, there has been tension between myself and my son because of the religious aspect and mental illness. As a woman, my looks have been wrecked and I know that I am very unlikely if not never likely to meet anyone for a relationship.

    I am 46 this year and am thinking that about the age of 50 I will be ready to go. I have tried several times to commit suicide but think it didn't work because I didn't really plan it properly and think it through. In the meantime I will try and live life as best I can, but I do not want to be on my own when I am older and get older by myself. Plus my diabetes and related health issues puts me at risk of stroke and complications.

    The way I am looking at it is that everyone has to die and it would be better to go in a way that I can choose, rather than leave it and possibly have to experience things that I don't want to experience with noone to care for me.
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I think prudent planning for the future makes sense. I am about your age and do not have to wait for the physical ailments more often associated with older anymore and I agree with people being able to decide there healthcare choices for themselves. I am not in the camp that believes avoiding needing to be concerned with healthcare by dying before it becomes an issue is a good idea.
    If there are breaks that cause money management issues you can ask for disability to appoint or find yourself a a rep payee to assist with that if you have times where you can not do that for yourself.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi I am sorry there have been health issues. Both mental and physical. I am a lot older than you. I never thought my body would hold out this long. But it has. I hope you can also plan for life. Because you may have more life left than you think. Perhaps "God" would be quite happy if you also focused on seeking out ways to become financially secure. Do you think the semaritans helpline might have some suggestions re how to get yourself financially stable? I hope you continue to post here.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Use your time hun to plan how to reconnect to your son and do something hun for YOU ok that will make you feel better about you. Have a salon day join a group so you can get out and meet people so you are not so alone. Art class music dance hun writing whatever your interest get out ok be amongst people that will get you feeling more positive about you.
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