I really want to go, and I have for a very long time. I started thinking about suicide at seventeen, and I’m now almost twenty-five. My life has been a really hard one: severe abuse/neglect, eating disorder, medical complications, cancer, having no money, no friends, no job, and so on. I keep searching for the things that are missing from my life, but nothing ever seems to work out. I’m all alone in the world, basically. All that I have is my cat. I think part of me stays alive for her, because I know that if I were to leave her, she’d be lost, and nobody would be able to take care of her as well as I do. I sit alone in my apartment everyday… I have a friend, but this friend treats me like garbage. When I do hang out with them, it’s even more of a verification to commit suicide. My family was highly abusive to me growing up. Thus, I don’t have any sort of family. I’m in therapy, and I don’t think that my therapist takes my suicidal/depression seriously enough. Although, I’m glad that she doesn’t, because I don’t want to be placed in our local psych ward. They basically lock you in your room, and force you to sleep on little cots with plastic sheets. There are no activities, except meals, and the staff is very rude. I was told when I was there that’s it’s not a place to be therapeutic, it’s to keep you safe. Basically, it is really safe. There’s no way that you could harm yourself. You are allowed nothing in your room, the shower is a small hole that comes out of the wall, you have to sign out your personal care items (they count and check them when you hand them back in, and you are only allowed to have them once a day), plastic sheets on beds (which easily rip), no razors or mirrors allowed, and so on. I wouldn’t ever think of trying to commit suicide in the psych ward. I want to do it at home. I have thought of a lot of great ways to do it. However, I’m not sure if I have the right cocktail, so to speak, or the right formula. I want to make sure that I never ever wake up again. It would be fairly easy to commit suicide, being that I live alone, nobody checks on me, and such. By the time my body were found, I’d already be long gone. It’s just finding that thing that will work. I have the worst luck possible, and know that even if I did do some really dangerous things, I’d probably still live or turn out with brain damage but still live; making it even worse. I just need to plan it out… I have been planning it out for years. I want to have it very planned out. I think that if I could pull it off well enough, it may look like a death from natural causes (because I do have health problems). Also, they don’t really investigate suicides and things like that in my town. It’s very small and rural.