Planning this out...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NothingThereAllAlong, Nov 24, 2009.

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  1. NothingThereAllAlong

    NothingThereAllAlong Active Member

    I really want to go, and I have for a very long time. I started thinking about suicide at seventeen, and I’m now almost twenty-five. My life has been a really hard one: severe abuse/neglect, eating disorder, medical complications, cancer, having no money, no friends, no job, and so on. I keep searching for the things that are missing from my life, but nothing ever seems to work out.

    I’m all alone in the world, basically. All that I have is my cat. I think part of me stays alive for her, because I know that if I were to leave her, she’d be lost, and nobody would be able to take care of her as well as I do.

    I sit alone in my apartment everyday… I have a friend, but this friend treats me like garbage. When I do hang out with them, it’s even more of a verification to commit suicide. My family was highly abusive to me growing up. Thus, I don’t have any sort of family.

    I’m in therapy, and I don’t think that my therapist takes my suicidal/depression seriously enough. Although, I’m glad that she doesn’t, because I don’t want to be placed in our local psych ward. They basically lock you in your room, and force you to sleep on little cots with plastic sheets. There are no activities, except meals, and the staff is very rude.

    I was told when I was there that’s it’s not a place to be therapeutic, it’s to keep you safe. Basically, it is really safe. There’s no way that you could harm yourself. You are allowed nothing in your room, the shower is a small hole that comes out of the wall, you have to sign out your personal care items (they count and check them when you hand them back in, and you are only allowed to have them once a day), plastic sheets on beds (which easily rip), no razors or mirrors allowed, and so on. I wouldn’t ever think of trying to commit suicide in the psych ward. I want to do it at home.

    I have thought of a lot of great ways to do it. However, I’m not sure if I have the right cocktail, so to speak, or the right formula. I want to make sure that I never ever wake up again.

    It would be fairly easy to commit suicide, being that I live alone, nobody checks on me, and such. By the time my body were found, I’d already be long gone. It’s just finding that thing that will work. I have the worst luck possible, and know that even if I did do some really dangerous things, I’d probably still live or turn out with brain damage but still live; making it even worse.

    I just need to plan it out… I have been planning it out for years. I want to have it very planned out. I think that if I could pull it off well enough, it may look like a death from natural causes (because I do have health problems). Also, they don’t really investigate suicides and things like that in my town. It’s very small and rural.
  2. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member


    I just joined about an hour ago so sorry to just barge in. I just wanted to say that I can relate to a lot of what you say you are feeling (I mean, hell, you can probably guess what kinds of things I was googling that landed me on this website) including the bits about having researched a lot of methods but being mostly scared to end up as a vegetable. And though it will probably sound obnoxious to say this I am really sorry that you went through/are going through all of that.

    I am in no position right now to tell anyone how beautiful and magical life is and how the best is yet to come and whatnot, but I am pretty sure someone else will hook you up there. What I can offer, though, is my humble view that it doesn't sound like you're getting anything near the therapy/health care/general attention you could be getting, I mean I live in a city of several million people and there is only one dude here who treats adult ADD so if your town is as small as you say it is.. er, well, color me skeptical that your therapist is the best/only fit for you, especially if the best she is doing for you is being ignorant to the fact that you want to kill yourself. Is there anyone, anywhere else around you you could try seeing? Does this therapist actually know how to deal with your particular needs (ie is she an eating disorder, depression, suicide, dealing with chronic illness, abuse/neglect specialist all rolled into one super mega therapist?) Is she also your pdoc, or do you have one of those, or have you considered getting one?

    I know there are a lot, a lot, a lot of practical limitations to getting proper mental health care.. I dunno, I just think you would be doing yourself (and/or your cat) a disservice to check out now without having a go at talking it all out properly with a specialist you actually trust.

    Take it easy.
  3. NothingThereAllAlong

    NothingThereAllAlong Active Member

    Hey, I have been on here for a couple of years. I don’t post much at all. I do read, though. I guess that I’m kind of a lurker. I want to help others, but it’s so hard to help them, when you feel the same way yourself.

    I do have a regular doctor, but he does not want to handle any of my mental health care needs. He leaves that up to the place where I get therapy. That's how it works with all of the doctor's in this town.
  4. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member


    Yeah, I get that, but do you have a psychiatrist or just a therapist? (AKA do you have access to someone who can prescribe/change medication if necessary? And if so, er, how's that going?)

    Are there any other options for therapy there? Even just one other therapist? I mean, if you feel like this one is ignoring you or not taking you seriously, then maybe it would do you good to do a kind of restart.. just by going in for one session even and saying "hello, I have another therapist but I want to switch" you automatically start off on a "something is wrong here and i want to fix it" note instead of the "oh, you again" note that maybe has developed between you and this other one..

    On an unrelated note, is there any way of turning off the animated smiley wall next to this message? The sheer number of them is driving me batshit crazy while I type
  5. kurenai

    kurenai Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure why people who have everything all planned out would post on a forum like this where everyone is going to tell you, hey, don't do it. Could you explain it for me? A lot of people have been lost here recently, and now there is more bad news except with a smiley face next to it. I've attempted in several different ways that I can't mention here, I think, and they've just ended up being excruciatingly painful. Oh...
  6. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member


    I know this question was not directed toward me so you can ignore my answer if you want, but here it is anyway.

    I think some people want to post things like this because there is a part of them, maybe just a small part, that still wants to live... or at least believes, theoretically, that if living could be less painful it would be preferable to dying. To me the online format is a way of remaining anonymous, of being taken seriously without immediately having all the authorities alerted, and of focusing my thoughts by having to write them down.

    I personally don't feel like I get much out of hearing "oh don't do it think of the children and think of what you will say to God and think of all the sunsets and daisies and hugs you will miss," usually it makes me feel smaller and stupider than I already do.. but I know it helps some people. What helps me the most is talking to people who are in a similar headspace as I am, maybe getting suggestions for small, practical steps I could take to sort of back myself away from the ledge (so to speak) or hearing from people who have dealt with similar situations and what they did. I think anyone who has been suicidal for awhile has made plans for how it will/would go down, no?

    I have to ask because I'm new to this forum: how is this place different for you now than it used to be? I personally am not surprised that a lot of suicidal people get "lost" here, because of the name.
  7. towei

    towei Member

    Hi, I feel that I'm in an almost similar situation. If you want - please add me on MSN, - that way we can be two lonely ppl at least having eachother...

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