Planning

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by wallflower, Aug 28, 2016.

  1. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    Ok, first of all some background. I have carried the diagnosis schizophrenia, adhd, now bipolar 1. I was just put on Saphris and am waiting for the insurance approval. There are so many things depressing me right now. My boyfriend kept acting out which forced me to take him to the ER multiple times, taking a toll on me psychologically. I've been off Abilify for about three months without symptoms so far, but the stress seems to be the issue of being at odds with this system. One time recently, I asked to be seen while waiting for my boyfriend to get out, they would hook him up to IV drips etc. I told the intake person that I was suicidal and off my medication and that I had no intentions of calling my psychiatrist. She told me that this wasn't the place for this, basically. I tried again after I took my boyfriend to be admitted. They took about 6 bottles of blood and I overheard the nurse talking loud that they had put my blood samples in a different patient's bag. This freaked me out after all that, I just walked out and they seemed ok with it. None of this actually resolved the suicidal feelings. My boyfriend's adopted mom yelled at me for taking him to the hospital, and then two days ago he called me from his house at midnight and said he overdosed on <mod edit - details> so I rushed him to the ER and this is the second day. I called and they said he's not there anymore but he has not called me.

    He's also been doing things that have been harmful to me. He dresses up in skirts and stuff, has a weird fetish and is more disturbed than schizophrenic and seems to be a sociopath. Like all the energy I have put into things just seemed to turn into negativity and darkness, pulling me down. I'm also alone in my parent's house and my mom's in a step-down unit for a few more weeks. Everyone is thinking of themselves while ignoring me literally and putting me down.

    My dad threatened to kick me out if I didn't clean the house for my grandpa who didn't even end up staying there after I cleaned it with help from my boyfriend and another girl. I can't take the drama. I'm really hurt and I feel like this might prove a point to everyone how I feel and that there are moral and social consequences to putting someone in situations of abuse and oppression. Nothing is changing. I don't want to exist as a fucking animal anymore. My little brother won't talk to me about anything other than me applying for a day job. No one in my family will help me pay for the last two years of college, are shunning and shrugging off my value of education.

    All variations of corruption in my face. I find records and documents of all this abuse. But I can't really even recognize it. I found a bunch of files in closets and cabinets after my dad dipped out. He never answers the phone or hadn't been more maybe four months completely ignored me. I don't want to subjected to mind control or financial oppression anymore. I want to leave this shitty place. I want to raise to a higher level of consciousness. I'm thinking of taking <mod edit - details> Since I know it will put me into a painless coma. But I really want to die, and I don't believe it's a crime or wrong. I'm in a situation where I have no way out, spiritually or emotionally.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 28, 2016
  2. Wiltingone

    Wiltingone Well-Known Member

    Wallflower I feel your pain and I'm so sorry you're going through all of that.