Planning

[argentina1908]

I don't feel depressed and I don't feel worthless. In fact I feel at peace with the whole idea of leaving this life. I just want to make sure that finances etc are sorted out for my family.

My husband was diagnosed during our relaionship with aspergers (autism spectrum disorder). We have coped for years with his anxieties, obsessions, irritability, communication issues, depression, strange behaviours, alcohol dependency and his inability to manage his anger.
There have been 4-5 episodes of police attendance at our home when he has "lost it" and threatens to kill himself with a knife, kick a hole in the wall, rants for hours on end about something he is unhappy with.

My son, age 7, also displays "tantrum" behaviour beyond what would be expected from his age group. My daughter, age 11 is very capable and smart. However, both our kids have been influenced negatively by my husband's disgusting behaviour and this has impacted on other areas of their life eg: friends, school.

So, what is my role in the family. Am I perfect? No, but I certainly know how to conduct myself in a manner which is acceptable and the behaviours of my family I find embarrassing.
I have poured heart and soul into resolving the issues in this family over the past 5 years, involving gp's, psychologist, psychiatrists, school counsellor, child mental health services. I have done this whilst working full-time and studying. I receive a small allowance for carer duties of my husband each week. Bottom line is.....I am not cut out for this. I am not the sort of person that can sustain this type of caring, self-sacrificing attitude.

I have asked for help from police, mental health workers etc. I get told that they cannot arrest my husband unless he physically hurts me or the kids and the mental health workers have admitted they do not have the resources to hospitalise my husband. they won't seem to intervene either unless he is willling. nor do they liaise together on the multiple problems he has. at its worst, they all pass the buck eg: police see it more as a mental health issue and mental health see it as a domestic violence issue.

without me in the picture, the life insurance money will allow the family to live reasonably comfortable without the stress of financial concerns. My husband will be able to work part time which will reduce his anxieties and what he perceives as the root of all his problems (me) will be gone.
And I get a damn good rest and don't have to worry about dealing with all of this for the next 40 years. I know there will be significant problems with my son as he gets older and I don't want to deal with this on my own.

Somehow, before I go, I want to let my community and my country (Australia) know that the system fails us significantly. My children and I should not be put in a position of having to single-handedly care for my husband. Residential facilities should be in place to manage complex cases like my husband's where there is multiple issues. at the very least, visits by professionals to our home to provide support and therapy should be available.
likewise, we should not be expected to vacate our home in order to ensure our safety. my husband should be forced to take responsibility for his behaviour and there should be consequences for his actions. So, when I do go, I leave behind this message to my husband.
There are consequences and now it is your turn to stand up and deal because I ain't here to do it for you anymore.

 

[solutions]

First, let me say that I'm deeply sympathetic to the situation you're in. Being caught in the system with no apparent way out is a nightmare.

Having always lived in the U.S., I can't say I know the particulars of Australia law. Hopefully someone else here will be more knowledgeable.

I have a few thoughts, if you're willing to listen.

First of all, you may be right that the system is a failure and completely ineffective, including for situations like this. The U.S. is like that, too. Any of us who gets stuck in the cracks is left to fend for themselves without any help from the people who appeared to have been hired to do just that for us, yet they say they can't because of technicalities.

You seem unwilling to leave your husband and relocate. Why does this idea hurt you so much that you'd rather kill yourself than try it? If you kill yourself, you leave your children behind. I'm not sure if you've read of the consequences of a mother killing herself and the effects it has on her children, but they will live with it for the rest of their lives. They often have lifelong problems that persist throughout life as a result of their early loss. With any other cause of death, it's bad enough, but suicide amplifies the effect.

You can kill yourself if that's what you choose to do, but you should be aware of the very serious consequences this would have on the people you love and care for. It could also be worth noting that your children would then be left alone with your husband, which I don't think you want. It seems like you want you and your children to escape the behavior of your husband, but you don't think it's possible.

Is there really no other option for you than suicide? Why is leaving him for the sake of everyone involved not an option at this point, considering that you're not getting the intervention you want from outside sources?