Plans are coming together

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Jul 30, 2008.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I have had enough. I have been thinking about this for a while. I have decided that Sunday will be the day for me. I have my ideas of what I am going to do. Things have gotton so much worse over the past few weeks and I can't keep it together anymore.

    I have spoken help lines etc and they are no good. I find it really hard to talk to anyone about things. The people at hospital can't really help. Just recently the time I felt my best was when i was in hospital and I was given Diazepam - is great stuff! I know I cant take it long term though. They wouldnt give me any to take away. It make me feel as though I had no care in the world. I have tried all the things people have told me to do and none of it has worked.

    So. I am going to work tomorrow - dont know why I am bothering but I suppose it is distraction for 7 hours. Things are pretty crap there at the moment. I am not doing well so it makes it harder for me. I care too much about what other people think and dont want people to think bad of me.

    I feel as though I have nothing to live for anymore. Nothing is making me happy and it is hard to do anything when you feel like that. My existence at the moment is pretty dull. I get up, watch TV go to bed. Some days I go to work. I have no money to do anything with and I seem to fail at everything that I do.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi GP...since your discharge from the hospital, have you had an appointment with a pdoc who might be able to find a medication that will give you similar results and will be safer to take long term? if not, please give that route a try...also, you can PM me if I can help in any way...big hugs, J
     
  3. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I am meant to have appointment next week. I have had an appointment with the social worker person who I like and he has refered me on to psych person (well I think she is she is a doctor but not sure if clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist). I am meant to go back to see her next week then 2 weeks after that going back to social worker again. I am not sure what the appointment is all about. They tried to tell me I have borderline PD (although they didnt call it that but is the same thing) so I wrote down a whole list of reasons why I didn't.

    The thing that scares me most is being admitted to a psych unit. I dont think I could keep that from people then. At the moment I am keeping it from people. I don't want people knowing as I dont want people constantly in my face and on at me all the time. I dont deal well with people knowing. I dont know what reaction I am going to get and cant trust people.
     
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi golden

    what is it you are trying to keep from people at the hospital? is it that they think you have BPD, or is about something else? if you don't want say, that's okay, i was just wondering and couldn't figure out from your post. i think i told you this before, but one of my friends told me to never worry about the diagnosis, instead focus on the treatment. that's when i was freaking out over the fact that they thought i was bipolar. it was good advice. from then on i let the psychs worry about labels and instead i try to just focus on doing things that make me feel better.

    can the social worker help you come up with a plan that might give you the comfort of diazepam and the security of the hospital (in a positive sense, like the being safe and cared for sense)? i find the social workers and the nurses much better in terms of practical ways to cope with feeling desperate and suicidal, much better than the doctors. can you take in a list of things you've tried (therapy, meds, helpline etc.) and if they worked or not, and then tell him you are still feeling very suicidal.

    please hang on. the sun will come out again for you, i am certain. you just need to keep trying until you find the right combo of things that work best for you. let me know if i can help in any way, okay?
     
  5. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I am trying to be honest. But I don't want to say everything all at once. I don't wanna open up some massive bag of crazy on them. I can't fight anymore. It makes me tired. I can't cope now. It has been 2 much for 2 long!
     
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi GP,
    You have been fighting this bout of depresion for quite a while. I can imagine how drained you are. Is there anyway to get out of town for the weekend? I was thinking on the lines of you and a couple of friends go camping. It will get you out of the house, peace, intuned to nature, it will do you good to spend a couple of nights under the stars. It may refuel you just a little. I can't get out of the house much so I just picture it in my mind. I hope you feel better!!!!
     
  7. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I have no money to do anything with. I dont want to leave the house all that much either. I get paranoid in new situations and so is not a good idea really. I can't cope anymore though. The other night I was out at about 2am as needed air. I was sat there on some steps and thought to myself why dont I just throw myself down them. Then i thought I would just lie down in the middle of a bysy dark road, someone could run over me and as it was dark they would never know and so there would be no one blaming themselves. But then I thought why would I do that, just my luck that some police car drives by and I would end up being sectioned. So I have made my plans, and it should work as will cause CNS depression!
     
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    O.K. I just thought it would help you clear your mind a little. With me having augoriphobia all I can do is picture things I use to do in my mind.the camping out is one and the other is being out in the river in a boat just drifting and watching all the wild life. Maybe you could try that and see if it doesn't help a little.It is a coping skill I was taught it is called visualization. When you add it to another of the coping skills like controlled breathing it relaxes you a little. I know it sounds crazy but for some of us it actually works.Give it a go!
     
  9. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Im here for you hun.
    I can see things are tough for you right now, but just keep your chin up and keep fighing hun.
     
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