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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by letmedisappear, Sep 24, 2012.

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  1. letmedisappear

    letmedisappear Well-Known Member

    I'm making plans for Wednesday. School is off, maybe I can get away with it when my parents are out.

    I promised my therapist and boyfriend both (and oh, my parents too) that I would not attempt suicide this year. I am blatantly and knowingly going against my promise. That bugs me a lot, but it motivates me even more... what keeps me back is guilt.

    Are there any ways to assure that people will not hurt themselves upon hearing of my passing? This is specifically for my bf, who has threatened to take his life as well... I want to perhaps warn his parents, maybe I'll try so in a note... is there anything else I could possibly do besides plan and prepare, write a note and guarantee the success?
  2. Syn

    Syn Well-Known Member

    Well now why would you do something like that? I know you've been feeling down lately, but I really hope you do keep that promise.

    Truth is there is no way to guarantee success, there will always be a chance for failure. There are also no ways to assure that people do not hurt themselves at your passing, you can you warn his parents, but realistically if he wants to take his life as well then nobody can really stop him, just like nobody could stop you if you tried.
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Yes, I think there is......I've been in your situation and what I would have done, which you have the opportunity to do before Wednesday is write it all down in a letter to your parents (and your boyfriend? - but it's your parents who really need to know what you're thinking as they have more responsibility for your well-being) - write EXACTLY how you are feeling, and the reasons that you know of that are making you feel like it - and tell them that, as you know that they don't deserve to go through what you've been planning to do, that they must get you to a doctor straight away who will know the best way forward....honey. There is no other constructive way forward for those who know you and who love you and care about you; the reason being that life, despite all that it throws at us, is not meant to be done away with because we feel we can't cope with it. No one can know for sure exactly what comes after death, so there are no guarantees there will be nothing hun.

    I've spent most of my adult life trying to make sense of why I was scared and upset at so much......and the answers can be found and be made peace with, whatever they are. Perspectives can change with deeper insights honey, and it is worth staying around for that to happen :)
  4. letmedisappear

    letmedisappear Well-Known Member

    To be honest, there really is no specific reason that is triggering this... it's just an opportunity, and the same old reasons always come back. I know that things will get better, I know that there are reasons to live, I know that I should stick around to find out what the future has in store... I may be suicidal, but I love helping others, and I've heard all of the reasons of why to stay alive. But going through it all... well, what's the point of any of it? I'm a coward and a weakling, last school year was a disaster and as much as I tried to change this year it's going down the drain once again, I can't balance my life to be productive, happy, sane... I'm just an utter and complete moron when it comes to living my own life. Yes, that does make me selfish and one hell of a hypocrite, but... I just need to stop. My friends and family are the sweetest, kindest, most supportive people in the world, and I am just wearing them down with my constant whining and annoyances. When I'm happy, I'm a nuisance, and when I'm down, I'm plain depressing and not enjoyable to be around. School is no better. Family life is no better. My life is fantastic, but I make it a mess, and there's no point to keep something that just keeps screwing up in the long run, even when it has its moments.

    I know death is uncertain. I've spent years of my life just thinking about human mortality and the point to life and I've come to the point of "who cares" and "there's no point in anything at all ever". When you finally get to the bottom of that bucket, you realize the harsh reality... that it just doesn't really matter in the end. I mean, like you said, no one can stop him if he wants to go through with it, so if I try my best to prevent it, then what happens happens. Everyone lives on.

    I can't believe I've gotten this cold-hearted, but then again, I suppose I do, because I'm just that fucked up.
  5. Syn

    Syn Well-Known Member

    your not cold hearted, or fucked up. Your just hurting.

    This year is almost over, just hold onto that promise okay? You just in a rough spot right now, but you can pull through this.
  6. letmedisappear

    letmedisappear Well-Known Member

    It's less of a rough spot now than tumbling downhill. The new year really means nothing...and there's still three months, a whole 90 days, 2,160 hours... No, I can't. It's too perfect of a time, I have to do this. As I said, I just hope I don't chicken out.
  7. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Honey, you're not - although you feel that you are. You're making your feelings the reality of your situation. Once you can see this, you can start to take control of your feelings. I know that it sounds simple enough, but it's a journey and a learning process. You can help your bf with this, as well as yourself honey.

    You say "it just doesn't matter in the end" honey, but it does matter. We were not put on the planet just to leave it whenever we want to. There is so much more to experience and consider and discover, that will help you to see this - and the first place to start is to tell yourself "My feelings may not be an accurate reflection of reality for me - my feelings are a result of what I am thinking. Therefore, if I want to feel better, I can start to think better."

    I promise you, you can :)
  8. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    There are no ways to make sure nobody hurts afterwards, I mean how could there be?

    One thing I do when I'm feeling suicidal is go through my phone book and think about how each person would react upon hearing that I had killed myself. It's really sobering. Sometimes emotions can get in the way of making you realize how many people love you.

    I really hope you'll take a look through your contacts list, and see how many people would be in agony if you did it. Suicide is also contagious, when someone takes their life, often someone else will follow them.

    Please message me if you want to talk about anything, I'll do my best to help. I have been through horrible things and depression and understand how you feel.
  9. letmedisappear

    letmedisappear Well-Known Member

    It's just funny how every time it ends up the same... my boyfriend or a friend finds out because I'm too weak and I live on only to continue the cycle again.

    I'll be calling my counselor in ten minutes to talk to him... I hope it helps. I won't be doing anything tonight, and thank you guys for trying to talk me out of it. It's much appreciated.
  10. Syn

    Syn Well-Known Member

    Every breath you take, is another step forward in your battle against suicide, each and every breath is moving you away from that cycle, and to a better place. I'm really glad to hear your talking to your counselor, and I'm even happier to hear that your not doing anything tonight. Stay strong (As best you can) I know you can break free of this cycle.
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