Plastic Dad

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by me myself and i, Apr 13, 2011.

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  1. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    I have already written of this in other posts.
    My children have started to love the new man in their life.
    Im am being torn apart from jealousy.
    I do not show it, to them, him or their mother.
    I just want them to be happy, of course i am their father, and i have a fantastic close and meaningful relationship with them, yes, i know, i will always be their Dad.
    But i would be lying if i didnt say how much this is hurting me, some of his behaviour has been disgraceful, yet i have stayed silent and have never said a bad word.
    I am asking for some coping strategies here.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I can surely understand you feeling this way...what have they done that has been 'disgraceful'? and would it be in their best interest to not act this way? It must be so difficult to be estranged in this sorry this is happening to you 29...big hugs, the other 29
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Ah remember well the stab of the green eyed monster when my son came home and talked about my ex's new wife.
    Then when his half sisters came along...GRRR.
    Here were 3 people large in my son's life and I didnt even know them :rant:

    But here's the thing, no matter who comes into your childrens lives YOU ARE THEIR DAD, that bond is unbreakable (unless you break it yourself).It's a good thing that they are fond of this step dad, so many children are made horribly miserable by step parents and hate the sight of them.

    Try to hang on to the act that no matter what the bond of blood is strong.
    Carry on not sayng anything bad about their mum or the new man, thereby being the better man and not putting your children in the middle.
    Believe me, when they're older they will remember this (my son is a prime example, as he's since mentioned this now he's a grown up).
    Show your kids you love them, but still be a parent, i.e they still need a firm and guiding hand and you won't go far wrong.

    YOU ARE THEIR DAD and no one can take that away from you. :hug:
  4. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Your children are drawn to him cause hes there, but believe me they would so rather have thier father if it was possible. You are number 1 in thier eyes and heart, you will always be daddy.

    If I suggest anything it would be to show them you still love them, show them that even though he is there that they can come to you for anything. Give them the father and child time, talk to them, play with them, love them.

    If it makes it easier on you, think about what they may be feeling, put yourself in your kids shoes and see how hard it is for them to. The daddy, the protector will come out in you and do the things that are needed to be done to show them that you love them no matter what, that your there for them and always will be no matter who comes in their lives.

    Hugs, hope it gets easier for you.
  5. jota1

    jota1 Well-Known Member

    I have seen a few cases like yours and I can assure you that sooner or later your kids will by themselves "find" you again. You should be glad the new "dad" is kind with them, just imagine if he wasn't, the trouble you would have to deal with such a situation.

    Blood will always prevail, even kids that have been mistreated by their parents, deep down want their parents to love them. Everything is great in their lives but they still miss you a lot, dont give in to your jealousy they will look for you in the near future.

    As far as coping I have no idea. It must be hard
  6. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    He has contacted me and abused me, he has issues surrounding trust, honesty and respect. ( former heroin addict of 15 years)
    At the start of their relationship, he used and assualted my ex wife, i found that hard to deal with, when i warned that if it continued i would act through the law to ensure my children were kept away from heroin, all hell broke loose.
    I have begun to realise my ex wifes hate is not so much aimed at me, more aimed at protecting their relationship if that makes sense.
    He has bad mouthed me to my children.
    He has continued to buy their love.
    But, i know he cares for them deeply, there is no doubt of this, i kind of figured that you can never have enough people to love and i should be happy that they feel comfortable enough to love and be loved.
    So, its my issues not theirs, lets face it, still hurts a lot though.
    And damn, this bit hurts.................. but we are all allowed to have a fresh start in life, him included. I know that more than most.
    Thank you for your replies and kind words.
  7. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    I can provide a perspective from the other side of this situation (kid's side) from personal experience. I don't know how much of a consolation this well be but here goes. It has a relatively happy ending:

    My dad walked out on us when I was 11 years old. The divorce was messy. I hated him for it. He would remarry some years later. I hated him for that too. My mom later remarried as well, and again it was messy (long story). It has now been about 16 years since the initial divorce occurred. I am 27, they are both in their 60's.

    While it may appear that your children are all chummy and carefree with this new interloper, I assure you they are not. They are simply coping with the situation as best they can. Appearing on the surface to be okay with this man is simply the only way they can possibly continue to function under the circumstances. In no way will they see this guy as a replacement for you. Note that they probably feel most comfortable refering to him by his first name, never "dad". You are "Dad", he is "John" or whatever. For them it is very hard to deal with and very confusing despite their surface appearance of happiness. Now they have two families to deal with. 2 sets of all holidays. 2 houses. 2 neighborhoods. It's horrible.

    For my story, relations with dad's new wife and mom's new husband were rocky to begin with but later smoothed out over the years. I now consider both of them friends, but I do not love them. We get along. I am satisfied they make my parents happy. Mom is still the only mom and Dad is still the only dad. There is no replacement. There never can be. Take heart. Your kids still love you as much as they ever have. That bond cannot be transfered, bought, or sold.

    ... might want to watch out for repressed anger over the divorce later on though. That'll boil over eventually. Just a heads up. My advice is just to be there for them no matter what.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 13, 2011
  8. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Tyler, thank you for your kind words, shit, did i need them!
    To hear it from your perspective meant an awful lot.
    I am divorced.
    Thing is, i dont want them to just accept things........................ i want them to be happy and loved by all and be able to reciprocate that love.
    The post................. it is all about me and my feelings and my inability to cope with the jealousy, but ALL of the replies have been helpful in this.
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